I was at the Arboretum, walking the pooch and pushing M along in her stroller, as we do every morning during the week. Today we were a little later than normal so I didn't see my regulars (the man that runs shirtless no matter how many feet of snow are on the ground), but a new cast of characters (including the woman jogging in linen shorts, a silk shirt and boat shoes). Everyone is always very pleasant and friendly, and says "good morning" as you pass, and all the dogs are the same (replace good morning with a bum sniff).
As I was huffing and puffing up a steep hill an extremely pregnant woman was walking towards me with her dog. She was the type of pregnant that I wish I was - big round belly, perfectly toned arms and legs, not looking like she gained an ounce of weight anywhere other than her stomach. She had a great big smile on her face as she was watching M play with the flowers (weeds) we had just picked and singing her ABCs as loud as she could. And I couldn't help but smile back at her as she looked beautiful. There is something about pregnant women that I just think is so attractive (not in a sexual way) - their strength and power, their glow, the wonder of the whole idea that we can grow life inside us. As a fellow woman, and as someone who has experienced the whole pregnancy thing, I just feel a kinship towards other pregnant women and can't help but smile at them.
So our dogs sniffed each other, we said our good mornings, and off we went, but since we were making the loop in different directions, we actually crossed paths again shortly thereafter. And here she came, smiling her glowing smile and I stopped and said "you know, I just had to tell you, you look so beautiful."
She stopped and looked at me and started to tear up, as she pulled her tank top over her enormous belly and said "that is the nicest thing I could hear right now. I feel so huge and fat. Wow, thank you so much...I needed to hear that."
"Well, you really do look beautiful. Have a great day!"
And I turned as quickly as I could because I then just started to cry. One of those sobbing, gasping cries that comes out of nowhere (and even now as I remember this moment I am crying at my computer while I type this). And I know why...
For those of you that know me personally, or have read the blog since the beginning, you know that I had a terrible time getting pregnant with M. It took us 2 years of fertility drugs, and IUIs and IVF, and I can't tell you how many failed pregnancy tests, and so many tears, and sessions with therapists, but we finally have our little miracle, who has brought us all the joy in the world.
Well a few months ago I (my husband left the timing decision up to me) decided that it was time to start trying for a second child. Because I am unable to get pregnant without assistance from science (thank you science), we decided after a few months of hopelessly trying on our own we would go forward with a cryo IVF cycle. When we had M I also had 5 additional embryos that were frozen in 2009, so we are now in the process of doing a frozen cycle (as opposed to the fresh cycle, where they have to knock me out and retrieve eggs, etc.).
Once again my body looks like a war zone from all the injections, and I am taking three pills in the morning and three pills at night...and I have a basket full of syringes on my kitchen counter, which also contains different types of liquids to be injected later as well as pills I will have to take after the implantation.
|My big girl laying next to the Preemie clothing |
she wore the first day she got home
Or crying over seeing a pregnant woman in the park! But I think this minor encounter I had today, that lasted all of 15 seconds, has finally brought me to the conclusion that I am ready to have a second child. I am ready to be pregnant again (I had an easy pregnancy after the 2 years of chaos thankfully), and I am ready for M to be a big sister, and I am ready for those sleepless nights in the beginning, and that newborn cry, and those tiny hands and that new baby smell.
I know my life will be chaos, but I am ready for it. I think of it as my next project in life (current project is M's big girl room - more to come on that soon).
Of course we might not get pregnant this time around which I say I will be able to handle better than I did 2 years ago, but who the hell knows. All I can do is stay positive, take care of myself, keep shooting myself up with hormones and let science take it's course.