Frestaurant: Where everybody's glad you came...

I don't know about you, but I love to go out to eat. I get sick of cooking and cleaning up after my kids three times a day. I like to sit down in a place that doesn't have food stuck to the floor (at least at the beginning of the meal) and get served food that I would never make at home. Eating out, in combination with a 12 month old that doesn't sit still, likes to scream at the top her lungs, and has grabby hands does not a happy experience make.

A few weeks ago I took my girls out to lunch at the Yard House, one of our favorite kid-friendly restaurants. Why is it kid friendly? It is loud, there are televisions (which are always playing sports, but they are a distraction to any kid) and it isn't fancy. I spent the entire time I was there using my left hand to feed M food while she watched the iPad, and the other hand either holding a bottle in Val's mouth or picking up whatever she threw on the floor. As soon as my food arrived I asked the waitress to put it in a to-go container. I ate my soggy salad 2 hours later after we got home and put Val down for a nap.

Today I met a good friend of mine, and her two kids (ages 3 and 6) for lunch. I warned my friend that lunch with Val is "chaos," but I don't think she was mentally prepared for lunch with the Tasmanian Devil. Val spent the entire time throwing things on the floor, trying to escape from her high chair and grabbing at anything and everything, until she finally (God only knows how) pulled an iced tea on herself. I ended up wrangling and entertaining Val while my friend ate, and then she so generously took over so I could woof down my salad. It was a typical restaurant experience for me, but today I felt like instead of people around us being understanding I was getting looks left and right. Next to us was a table of grandmother aged women who I thought would feel sorry for us and the chaos, but instead were throwing shade our way the entire meal. Even when I apologized to them for Val's behavior on more than one occasion I didn't get anything but stink eyes in response.

The restaurant we ate at was "family friendly" in some ways, but are there truly any really family friendly restaurants out there? I think no, and that is why I am going to open the ultimate family friendly restaurant, or "Frestaurant" as I will call my chain of eateries...

Frestaurant will only serve parties with kids ages 0 - 6.

All meals will be served on melamine plates (nice looking ones of course), and all glasses will be acrylic, so you don't need to worry about your children breaking dishes or glasses.

The food will be delicious - not fried bar-food crap that you usually get at family restaurants.

The menu will offer "kids size" portions of all the adult menu options, so that your kids can learn to eat food other than grilled cheese, chicken fingers and pizza (these will also be offered on a separate kids menu, and will be made of all natural ingredients).

There will be a call button at each table so that you can get your waiters attention without having crane your neck around looking for her/him.

Your check will automatically appear when you push a button at your table, and you are able to swipe your credit card yourself (like at those self-check outs at the grocery store) so that you aren't waiting forever for your check to come.

Frestaurants will have "baby wranglers." Does your child not like to sit still? Our baby wranglers will walk your child around in your stroller, being within eye sight at all times. Does your baby like to be rocked? Our grandma baby wranglers have years of experience with babies and will happily take your baby to one of our rockers near your table and calm your baby down while you enjoy your meal.

Frestaurants will also have "toy wranglers." Does your baby like to constantly throw things on the ground? Well our toy wranglers have lightning fast reflexes and will be in charge of picking up what your baby drops, quickly cleaning it off and giving it back to baby.

There will also be a play area that your kids can enjoy once they are done eating (ok, maybe they shouldn't be running around after eating, but we can figure out that later) or while they are waiting for their meals to come. We will have trained babysitters watching them at all times in the play area as well.

At each table there will be iPads for your kids to enjoy. They will be fully loaded with educational applications, not television shows or movies. Don't worry about them dropping them because they are built into the table!

And parents, don't you worry! If you have enjoyed our extensive wine list a little too much, we also have someone that can drive your car home!

Sounds like a happy place, no??? Investors can leave comments and questions below.

The Best Form Of Birth Control: Lunch with kids

You know what the greatest form of birth control ever is? Going to a restaurant and sitting next to a table where there are at least 3 children under the age of 4. If you are worried about your teenagers getting pregnant, take them to a family friendly restaurant, around 11 AM on a weekday, as that is when most moms venture out with their children for lunch because they know it will be less crowded, therefore less people to apologize to when their kids go batshit.

I just returned from lunch with my two girls, and a good friend and her son, who is the same age as M (3.5). I know what you are thinking - the 3.5 year olds went crazy and were loud and spilling stuff, etc.. Oh how you are mistaken. Our 3 year olds were the poster children for kids who lunch. They sat quietly and ate their food (without electronic entertainment), were so polite and patient - so much so that at least two other restaurant employees told us how great they were.

This time the guilty party was Val, my almost 10 month old who played the part of the Tazmanian Devil. She has been teething, and didn't get a sufficient nap before we left, so I knew it would be an interesting lunch. And bad-mommy-me forgot to bring any sort of entertainment for her - the cap to her bottle and plastic tub of puffs only amused her for so long.

Like all kids her age she is grabbing at everything, so you have to keep everything out of her reach. Things I didn't move fast enough that she got in her mouth at lunch: coaster, paper napkin ring (this she ate part of before I was able to get it out of her hand), straw (which she stuck up her nose), sweet potato fry, napkin, knife (not proud of this one).

I was constantly moving plates around and she was fighting to grab them, and whining loudly when she was unsuccessful. She was in and out of the high chair as I was stuffing my face with my lunch. Val screaming with frustration, as she was so tired and cranky.

And then she grabbed a side plate and threw it on the floor, where it shattered in a pieces.

Check please!

I think the very young couple seated next to us (both of them on the same side of a booth - are we doing that now?) was going to think twice about doing it tonight...

Holy Sweet Cheeks

As you all know, this is not a restaurant review blog. Occasionally I will give a shout out to somewhere that is great to take your kids, but I don't normally write about my experiences at new restaurants. I write about poop, and throw up, and my kid getting into accidents because she is totally uncoordinated...and I write a lot about my fat pregnant ass too. But Saturday I had a food experience that I have to share with you all because I cannot stop thinking about it, and I need someone else to experience it ASAP.

My husband is a lover of BBQ. And the Boston area is a hard place to live if you love BBQ. He used to frequent Red Bones in Davis Square when he lived over there, and then Blue Ribbon, and more recently Red Eyed Pig in West Roxbury, where we live. All we have agreed are decent, but nothing ever blew us away when we ate there. 

Last year we read about a new restaurant opened by Tiffany Faison from the first season of Top Chef (one of my absolute favorite shows on tv) called Sweet Cheeks Q in the Fenway area. I actually drive by the location every week on my way into the city, and we talked frequently about how we needed to get our butts there ASAP. Last week my husband came home from work (he is a lawyer in the city) and told me, "I have something to tell you, and I hope it doesn't make you mad." Of course my mind is going crazy thinking the worst, but he says "today at lunch I was craving BBQ and I took the T out to Fenway and ate at Sweet Cheeks by myself. And it changed my life." 

Ok, he might not have said "it changed my life," but he did go on to explain for many minutes it was the best BBQ he has ever had, and told me in detail about the menu, and how the place was so cool and I will love it... blah blah blah. So for his birthday dinner this past Saturday we went to Sweet Cheeks Q with M in tow. 

At 5:30, the place was already BUMPING. We only waited a couple minutes for a seat at one of the family style dining tables (where you have other parties siting at the same table on either side - thought I would hate it but didn't!). The table we were at had 3 other parties - all with children! So that right away was a great sign for me. 

Right away I knew what I wanted - Brisket and pork belly with mac n' cheese and carrot salad (you get to pick your meat and with it comes a scoop of "hot" and a scoop of "cold" side choices.) To start we had some of the homemade biscuits...and as soon as I took the first bite of one, lathered in honey butter, I can honestly say my life changed. 

Sounds so dramatic to talk about food like that, but HOLY CRAPBALLS! This food, from the first bite of biscuity-goodness, was mind-blowing. The meat? What?! OMG the meat! I can still taste the meaty deliciousness in my mouth (and this is where my husband would say "that's what she said!" and I would give him my "are you serious?" look). The pork belly was the best I have ever had, and while I haven't had many briskets in my life, this was hands down the best one I will ever have - EVER. I seriously could eat this food every night. I think our waiter thought I was insane because I was at a lack for words when he asked me how everything was just saying "Wow...wow" over and over. My mouth is watering right now thinking about it...

I was so overwhelmed by how good the meat was that I didn't really pay enough attention to the sides, and I love me some sides. The mac n cheese was very good, and it had ritz crackers on top, which I love with my mac n cheese, and M loved it too. The carrot salad was delicious with nuts and rainsins, and a little added blue cheese - but I was so full I didn't get to really enjoy it as much as I would have liked. 

I was dying to try some of Tiffany's libations on the drink menu, as I know from watching her on Top Chef that she likes her booze, but being 5 months pregnant doesn't so much allow that. And the music they play, while a little loud, had me chair dancing at the table - I love me some good old southern hip-hop, with some classics like Biggie mixed in! 

Oh and the ladies room has a Dolly Parton theme! How can a restaurant that has a Dolly Parton themed ladies room not be amazing? 

Seriously, you all need to go to Sweet Cheeks now. Go! Now! Get your meat sweats on (and by meat sweats I mean the sweats you get after eating a ton of meat and you are so full, but you can't stop eating...not the sweatpants you wear when you plan to eat a lot). Hell, get on your meat sweats to go have a meat sweat at Sweet Cheeks. It is amazing. I would go there in a heartbeat over any of my fancy faves downtown. And it is crazy kid friendly, so take your kids. M loved everything we had (of course we called it bacon when we were giving it to her, as she loves bacon like her parents do). 

I can't wait to pop out this child and go get my drink and eat on again at Sweet Cheeks, and maybe I will end up dancing on a table instead of in a chair at a table. 

Just keeping it classy...that's how I roll.