What is Father's Day Without the Irony?

Last year on Mother's Day, my baby girl, who learned to walk only weeks prior, fell down the stairs in our home. I was so proud on that day, until I wasn’t. It was as if the loud thumping of her new Asters (http://www.asterchaussures.com/?lg=en) hitting each hardwood step on the way down was in protest to the whole day, which had been set aside to honor mothers across the globe. Obviously the next day we installed a safety gate at the top of the stairs.

This year on Father's Day I found some irony (tell me if you agree) when our (5-month-old) car ran out of gas on our way to brunch with two generations of fathers manning the controls and two babies (plus me, mom) in the backseat. Obviously the lesson learned from this is just too obvious to print...

Again today, I was teaching my diaper-wearing 2.3 year old about using the potty and wearing underwear and pulling down the underwear and peeing in the potty when … she peed on the couch. She was curled on her back in her white dress with no bloomers, legs splayed in the air, fingers gripped around her toes, when her face turned to a stunned look and I heard hard liquid hitting the leather couch. The flow made a tiny gushing noise as it carved out a path between the cushions. Was this some cry for attention; some deliberate means of communication? Never has her diaper failed and never was there a more timely opportunity. Here I am thinking she doesn’t ever listen to me so what do I always go on about; well not only was she listening but she was demonstrating her comprehension and then some... Obviously potty training is to commence immediately. (And hopefully the “Queen of Potty Training” is accurate when promising us a three-day turn-around… (find Lora Jensen’s method at www.3daypottytraining.com). )

Then again today, another story of irony… I was at the playground with my baby and toddler talking to a neighborhood mom of twins about how difficult it is to watch two children at the city playground; how they run off in different directions; how we have learned better than to bring a handbag that also needs minding (lest we allow the Gucci or Goyard to divert our watchful eyes from their primary focal point, the children). All this discussion around how much we’ve learned when abruptly a twin disappeared. She had been on the large play structure, until she was not. Her mother was calm, until she was not. Five seconds passed and the mother asked me to stay with her son because she couldn’t see her daughter. She darted in one direction and then another. I screamed her daughter’s name out loud. Two other mothers in the park spanned out to look for a little girl with tiny braids and a shirt of I don’t remember what color. The further the mother ran in one direction the more I trained my eyes in the opposite direction. Until slowly, like a timid deer hesitating at a sunny clearing in the forest, I could see the little girl emerge from the bushes near the church and clamber back to the play structure where she had last been seen. Obviously I will try not to get lost in deep conversation while minding my children in a large, open public space.

I don’t know what are supposed to be the lessons here from these ironic incidents on important parenting days but something is being received; they do seem to make me a better parent; or at least a more experienced parent... or maybe I am just paying heightened attention on these days... One thing I know is that the terror, then relief, then embarrassment that follows these incidents are feelings only good parents experience; and are only one fraction of one reason why the good people of old created a day for mothers and fathers; to recognize and respect the daily toils of parenting. 

To that I say thanks for the recognition and a big loving thanks to all the diaper-bag-toting; Baby-Bjorn-wearing; sacrificing; juggling; doting; playful dads out there – Happy Father's Day!

• Two Father’s Day blog articles I definitely enjoyed:

http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/The_Importance_of_Fathers/

http://bostonbabies.wordpress.com/2012/06/16/a-dads-survival-guide-6-tips-to-tame-your-toddler/#more-1231

•   For an interesting history of Father's Day, read on from here:

Father's Day is a celebration of fathers inaugurated in the United States in the early twentieth century to complement Mother's Day in celebrating fatherhood and male parenting.

Father's Day was founded in Spokane, Washington at the YMCA in 1910 by Sonora Smart Dodd, who was born in Arkansas.[3] Its first celebration was in the Spokane YMCA on June 19, 1910.[3][4] Her father, the Civil War veteran William Jackson Smart, was a single parent who raised his six children there. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Father's_Day)

My Husband, The Ladies Man

When my husband walks into a room ladies turn their heads. He is very tall (6 foot 9 inches), dark and I think extremely handsome, and spends most of his time dressed in a business suit. He is charming, easy to talk to and an incredibly kind human being. If you ever see him at a wedding, he will be the tall drink of water surrounded by all the little old white ladies on the dance floor. They cannot get enough of him, and neither can I for that matter...but this is not the type of "ladies" man that I am talking about.

The "ladies" in question are myself, my 2.5 year old daughter, my 6 year old dog and our soon to be second daughter. My husband is the sole man on our family ship chock full of estrogen, mood swings, loud barking (most of the time from the dog), crazy drama, nail polish, dresses and tutus.

When I told him I was writing this post about him today he responded, "what my ladies want, my ladies get." And you know what? That couldn't be more true.

He came upstairs to our bedroom, with M, to wake me up this morning (yes he is so amazing that he gets up with her 6/7 days of the week) and M was in her favorite yellow tutu, and he was wearing a blue tutu. How many men do you know that would put on a tutu, at the request of their daughter, and have a tea party in the playroom before work?

Every morning he swaps the "tutu" for a dashing suit and goes to work in the financial district, where he works long hours, including some weekends to allow his ladies to have the wonderful life we live. He does his absolute best to make it home for bed time most nights, but then has to go back to the grind at home until the wee hours of the morning. I don't know anyone that works harder to provide such a remarkable life for his family.

When I was walking the dog in the park the other day, with M in the stroller on my left and the pooch on her leash on my right, with my almost 8 month pregnant belly poking out in front a woman actually stopped me and said that I looked "so rich in life," with so many beings around me and a smile on my face (she caught me at a good moment on a beautiful day). And you know what? I am rich in life, and it is 99% because of my husband. He is my best friend, the most ridiculously awesome father and my partner in my amazing life.

 I can't thank him enough for all he does for his ladies, and I am happy to have him as the leading man in our lives. Happy Father's Day hot stuff!

The Man in the Kitchen

I can easily fall into the trap of expecting the extraordinary of my husband on a daily basis, and his reward is a kiss on the cheek before we fall into bed exhausted. Becoming a parent obviously changes one's life, and learning new ways to do things becomes standard. But with Father's Day coming up, I want to call attention to something my husband has started to do ever since "we" became "three" that illustrates how well he's embraced being a parent: he's learning to cook dinner! 

Don't get me wrong -- I love to cook, and I know it's (supposed to be) standard out there for couples to share chores, etc. But before baby C. came along, I was in charge of almost all of the cooking, mainly because I enjoy it and care more about what we eat. But combine a full-time job, a commute, and day care pickup all together, getting dinner on the table within a reasonable time frame was just overwhelming. So, seeing the need, my husband now gets home before us to put together a meal so that we can eat as a family almost every night.

The words "cook dinner" seem so simple, but the actual activity can be so much more than that. When my husband decided he needed to learn to cook to help out the family, the impact on our lives was significant and wonderful. Some nights we may just be having grilled cheese for dinner, but that's just fine with us. Not only do we have a meal to come home to, but he's being a wonderful role model for our son. What an awesome dad.

A Father's Day Note

Whether it’s Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Secretary’s Day, Grandparent’s Day, and recently introduced (now that we all have Facebook), weeks devoted to brothers, sisters, cousins, godparents, diseases, cures, conditions…..and the list goes on. There is now a holiday or “holiweek” for every title or diagnosis. My feeling is that holidays, even phony Hallmark ones such as these still deserve special attention. If you are in fact one of the lucky ones to have someone special in your life that fits into any one of these titles, groups, or categories, then it is nice to dedicate a time or day to celebrate that connection by letting them know how much they count in your own personal equation of what makes us happy to be who we are today.

Becoming a parent adds volume to these occasions by driving us to want to thank many people for their influences and support, and for also wanting them to be a part of our child’s life. Nothing really prepares us for the emotions we face or the changes that happen.  When preparing for parenthood, many of us buy books, scour the internet, watch a dozen and a half videos, take birthing classes, and consult others.  I am very much a preparer and I want to know everything. I think that sometimes when we have someone growing inside of us, we tend to be selfish in our thoughts, our decisions, and our plans all the way down to what we will be having for dinner. Some call it hormones. I call it, “I’m pregnant, so I have a pass”. We sometimes forget that we have a partner in all of this. All the while we are being our “new expectant mom” selves living our rollercoaster ride of emotions and physical changes, we at times forget there is also a new expectant dad wondering if your newly formed Flintstone feet will ever deflate? We often question, is he just being a nervous sideline spectator? Is he even excited? Will he still think I’m pretty when I’m as big as a boat, spread eagle on a table praying not to poop?

For me, when it came time to meet our new addition, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect from him. What I definitely didn’t expect was to experience something so genuine and innocent. No one had prepared me for that moment and I had never even thought to ask. What I witnessed was a man in front of me. An adult turned father. A true companion and partner. I saw that he was just as nervous, just as excited, and cried just as many tears. He was actually listening to me and to the doctor and at that moment, no one else existed in the room but me and this baby. He had a look of pure determination. He became our doctor’s second hand man and our nurse’s new best friend. The past nine months had consisted of countless fleeting moments of me wanting to clock him over the head. All that had suddenly disappeared. I saw a new dad eager to meet his match. I watched my husband, in a flicker of a moment, fall in love with something so much greater than us before my very eyes. It was an instantaneous bond that was untouchable and it was beautiful. I physically felt my heart expand in my chest. That day we became a family and I saw what it was like to give birth to love. That day, I not only became a mother, but I watched my husband become a father.

Happy Father’s Day.

My Husband, The Procrastinator

My husband has always done things on his own time, and in his own way.  For instance, we were together FIVE years before he proposed (and had lived together four-and-a-half of them); he wouldn’t discuss anything wedding related until we were formally planning one of our own, and no talking baby names until we knew what we were having.  And when I was in labor, and about to deliver “Bird,” our agreement of him not looking at my “hinterlands” and staying by my head somehow seemed to have never existed (how do you ever get the romance back after that one, by the way?)!  And I know what all of you are thinking: “Wow, that’s great that he waits until he’s comfortable!” or “Good for him for standing his ground!”  But the problem is, I don’t let things go that easily.

You see, if you knew me you’d describe me as a “planner,” a Type A personality to a fault.  In fact, in my brother’s speech at our wedding he stated to the entirety of our two-hundred guests: “she’s bought presents for you for a holiday you thought our culture didn’t even celebrate; not only that, she’s already bought the presents that you’re going to give someone else for that holiday.”  And you know what?  He’s not lying.  Not one bit (and come Kwanza, your girlfriend’s father’s second wife is going to love those antique candleholders I’ve been saving at the bottom of my Hoarders closet).

Maybe it’s that I’m a bit controlling, but I like to think that because I plan ahead, things work out really well for me.  And for that reason, I believe everyone else should be planning out their lives just the same, so everything works out for them too!  Because I care.  You are WELCOME, world!

The reality is, before my husband is truly ready to do something, he chooses not to do it.  It drives me completely mad.  But when the time does come that he is ready, he does it really really well!  And this Father’s Day, his very first, is an amazing time for me to sit back and watch him with our daughter.  Because no matter how much you prepare, there is absolutely no “preparing” for this- and truthfully, he never needed it anyway.

He works hard for the money

I am a very happily married woman. My husband and I are still madly in love with each other after 6 years of marriage and 5 years of dating before that. We are still very attracted to each other, can make each other laugh easily, and still seriously enjoy spending as much time together as we can...which for the last year has not been very much time.

My husband works very long hours, and has about a 45 minute commute to and from work now that we live outside of the city. He has become so busy this last year that we are lucky if he can "take a day off" during the week...which normally means he can play one weekend day, but will go into the office the other day (or work from home if we are lucky). In the last couple months we have even added in some travel so there have been 1-5 night stretches where he has been away for work. If my husband could, he would be home for dinner every night, be there for bath time and to put our daughter down, but right now we only get to see him for about an hour in the half in the morning, 45-60 of which I am walking the pooch, and the remaining time we spend in the car to the train station. And lately instead of coming home at 9 PM, he is coming home closer to midnight. 

Needless to say sometimes I feel like a single mom. 

I know if he could he would be here every night for bedtime and to have dinner with me (which honestly happens sometimes, but it is like a 9 PM dinner), but his job is demanding and allows us to live a very nice lifestyle. He also loves his job, and is extremely good at it, which is an added bonus for anyone. But I know it breaks his heart to miss so much of our daughter's life. 

At least 2-3 times a day I am calling him telling him about something adorable she did, or something new she learned, and he listens as she says new words over the phone. It has gotten to the point where she will hold up my iPhone and say "dada?!" Does she want me to call dada? Or does she think that dada exists in that little black rectangular box (which led me to this post)? 

To be honest I am happy with the way our lives are now. They aren't ideal, and I would sacrifice anything to get to see my husband more (and for him to see our daughter), but I am plenty capable of handling one child throughout the day and night. I know that at some point in his career things will calm down and become somewhat normal...or will they? What happens when we have a second child? What happens when Marlo is old enough to understand where daddy is all the time? Will she blame him for not being home more? What happens when the kids have things that parents need to attend and something from work gets in the way? 

To help with this situation, we have agreed to have him come home early one night a week so that he can see her before bed, tuck her in, and the two of us can enjoy a nice dinner at a reasonable time. He can work all he wants after that, he just has to be home to spend the family time once every week - no matter what. And I am adding in that the Blackberry MUST be off. He was very keen on the idea, and we are trying it out for the first time tomorrow night. M & I cannot wait to have a dinner date with dada that doesn't involve an iPhone. 

Bittersweet

This past weekend I attended the funeral of my best friend's father. Sadly he lost his battle with cancer at the young age of 60, and was laid to rest in South Carolina on Saturday. It was actually the first funeral I have ever attended and honestly didn't know what to expect going into it. I knew it would be sad of course, but what I didn't realize was that it would be heartwarming at the same time.

My best friend, Mama M, is the mother to a 20 month old and is actually pregnant with her second at the moment. Not only did she have to deal with her father's declining health, and subsequent passing in an entirely different state, because she is the oldest of the siblings (her parents are divorced) she also had to deal with all of the planning, and now estate dealings. All of this while she is 7 months pregnant and working a full-time job. The way she has handled all of this for the past 3 weeks amazes me. She is the strongest person I know, and I love her even more because of it. She said to me, when her father first passed, that it is amazing and sad how quickly children have to become adults - she felt like she, the child, was in charge of doing something that the adults should be doing...but here she was making arrangements for her father's funeral and meeting with lawyers about his estate. 31 is too young to be doing that.

While at the funeral service, her uncle was giving a touching speech about his beloved brother, and right when he got to the part about Mama M and her brother, and it started to get very sad, as if on queue, her son, baby O, comes running into the room with no shoes on making silly noises and waving his hands in the air. Everyone broke into smiles and laughter at the joyous site of this precious little boy, without a care in the world. And this 10 second moment got me thinking about a ton of things...

It made me think about how precious time is with your parents, and your children and all of your loved ones. It also makes me want my parents to be close to my daughter to watch her grow up in person and not via Skype on the computer. It made me so sad to think that her father will not get to see her next child be born, and what sadness that would bring to me if something happened to my parents.  It made me miss my daughter (who was not with me at the time) so much it was painful, and made me anticipate my homecoming the next morning even more. And that got me thinking about how much joy children bring into people's lives and how the past 8 months of my daughter's life have flown by faster than I ever thought they could. Life is so short and so precious.

I don't really have a point to this post, but I hope it inspires you to call your loved ones to tell them you love them, or hug your child tighter when you see them next.

Mama Knows Best?

I am a stay at home mom. I am with my daughter 24/7, and have been since she was born save about 48 hours of her life. I can understand her cries for the most part, and know when she is hungry, tired or bored. I know when to stop her while she is drinking her bottle so that she can burp. I know how to get her to burp. I know which toys she loves, and which toys she is done with. I know that at almost 8 months old she does not want to sit on your lap or sit still at all for that matter, or ride backwards in her stroller. I know that she loves to stand up and bend over to pick things up, that she will only last in her bouncy play thing for about 7 minutes max and that if she is upset and inconsolable she will immediately break out in giggles when she sees Ellie, our dog. I like to think I know her better than she knows herself, and that I know what she wants and needs at all times.

Enter my husband. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I am married to a fabulous man. He is kind, generous, hard-working, full of love for his girls and we still (after 10 years of knowing each other and 5 years of marriage) have a great time when we are together - and not to mention very easy on the eyes.

Since baby M was born, he has been nothing but a hands-on dad...that is when he isn't working 70-80 hour work weeks. It is because of this demanding job that we are able to live in the house we live in, and live the wonderful life we do, but it is also because of this job that he doesn't get to see baby M nearly as often as he would like to. But when he does get to spend time with her, he is the most loving father in the world and I want him to have her all to himself during these times, but I can't seem to keep my big mouth shut.

If he is holding her a different say than I would, I say something. If she is fussing, I say what I think he should do with her. I comment on the way he makes the bottle, on the way her changes diapers, on the way he bathes her. Without thinking before I speak, I say something about every little aspect of his dealings with baby M.

Until he called me out on it the other day. He actually looked at me and said "will you tell me when I do something right with our daughter?" And my heart broke. It wasn't until then that I realized that I am constantly commenting on everything he does with her. And it isn't because I think he is doing a bad job at all, it is just that because I am with her, and know her so well, I feel like I know what she wants, and want her to have it immediately. Not wait for him to realize that he can't carry her laying down like a newborn anymore, but that she wants to be upright. And I want him to understand her as well as I do so that he can answer her promptly too.

I just need to learn to keep my big mouth shut (in all aspects of my life) and let my husband get to know our daughter at his own pace. This parenting thing is a learning experience for both of us, but I am already with my doctorate degree and he is taking night classes.