The end of an era

Last week I purchased Val a convertible car seat. She is 20 pounds, and her weight in combination with our old Graco car seat was hard on the back to carry around, plus she is crazy long, so I figured it was time to move her to the big girl car seat. It arrived the next day (thank you Amazon Prime), and I installed it in my car after both girls went to bed one night. I came back into the kitchen and took one look at her infant car seat sitting there on the floor, and I burst into tears. And now I am tearing up again while writing this...damn you mother hormones!

I feel an overwhelming sadness when I think about Val being my last baby. She is growing incredibly fast - she is almost 9 months and already in size 18 month clothing. She is eating everything in sight. She is about to crawl any second now and not far off from walking. And now she is in a big girl car seat, just like her older sister. I feel like time is moving way too fast for me, and lately it has been making me incredibly sad.

Pretty soon her adorable, chubby, kissable baby feet aren't going to be so cute and soft. She isn't going to laugh at me making a silly face, or pull on my lip and think it is the funniest thing in the world. She isn't going to smile and kick her legs when I come in to get her out of the crib. She won't have that amazing smushy bum that I love to chew on every time she gets naked (seriously it is the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life.) Or even if she does have all those things, she won't let me chew on her like she does now. I wish I could stop time and keep her this size forever...

Well, not really, because I can't wait to see what the future has in store for my girls, but I seriously love the ages they are now. I have M who is 3.5 going on 30. She makes sure to remind me to put my scissor away and not leave them on the counter because it is dangerous. And she tells me to clean up my messes. She can also recite every episode of Doc McStuffins by heart and does the best fake laugh I have ever heard. And she wants to help me do anything and everything I do, and I just love it. And Val...she is just the happiest smushiest baby in the world. I am blessed to have such wonderful children.

But when I think about the fact that they are only going to get older, and I will never have another baby in the house I get terribly sad. My husband and I agreed that we would only have 2 children from the beginning. Two is the perfect number - man to man defense. Everyone gets their own bedrooms. Traveling will be easy. Plus kids are crazy expensive, and with only two we can give them the best of everything.

Life is crazy enough with two right now, I could never imagine having another one. And I am not saying that I would want another kid at all. I am happy with two. Two is our number. But when I think about the fact that I am done having kids, and I will never be pregnant again, it really makes me sad.

What adds to the sadness is that I still have two frozen embryos after doing the IVFs. I still have to two babies on ice - a potential brother or sister for M and Val, or both.

When trying to get pregnant with Val last in 2011 I learned that I was non responsive to the fertility drugs, and would most likely not be able to produce viable eggs again, so the frozen embryos that I had were my last chance to ever get pregnant. The fact that there are two potential babies on ice, that I will probably never use, really makes me sad.

Not sad enough to try and get pregnant again, but sad that I will ultimately have to make that final decision to discard the embryos and come to grips with the fact that I am done having kids. I think I would be even sadder if I did decide to go through with an IVF again and it didn't end in pregnancy - something I want to avoid altogether.

I have friends now that already have two kids and are either pregnant with, or trying for their third child. They keep asking me if I am done, and of course I say yes, because I am, but just saying that out loud makes my heart sink a little.

When M would out grow her clothes I would put them in a plastic tub, and set them aside for her potential sister. Now when Val out grows her clothes (and damn does she grow out of things quickly) I still pack them up, but now in hopes that one of my friends will have a baby girl to wear them. The baby swing has gone to the basement, along with the bassinet, the snap n go, the Moby wrap, the Boppys...all to either be donated or lent to friends in the future. Tear...

I love our life right now. We are finally getting sleep again. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin again. We have a good thing going right now. It just makes me sad to realize that soon my babies won't be babies anymore.

It is the end of an era, but the beginning of another exciting adventure.

Top Ten Favorite Products of a First Time Mama Bird (0-3 Month Edition)

Not too long ago, another Boston Baby Mama posted about a few of her “Little Luxuries”, and since my husband and I have been traveling with “Birdie” quite a bit recently, I have realized the products I not only truly love, but miss when we don’t have them with us!  My daughter is only 3 months old, but here are my top ten, why I love them, and where I got them...

Miracle Blanket:  This has been a lifesaver for us!  When I was prepping for baby I got a ton of swaddling blankets, but we find this one fool-proof.  With the fabric arm tabs and footsie pocket, our little Houdini is rarely able to break free.

GroEgg:  I must admit, I have three of these bad boys.  Overkill?  Maybe... but I love knowing that our little bird is neither too hot nor too cold.  It is rare that I can get our house the ideal temperature, but knowing we aren’t too far off gives me peace of mind.

Blooming Bath:  The perfect bathtub for those of us with small spaces!  It is super cushioned for baby, and fits into any sink.  Our daughter’s “en suite” bathroom only has a shower, so this is ideal.  It air dries well, but also machine washes wonderfully.

Zoli Nail Trimmer:  I have multiple nail trimmers, but this is ingenious.  A miniature orbital sander (as my husband describes it to his house-flipping father) comes with four different stages of files.  I prefer to take my time using this and get those nails perfectly smooth (and it does take a while), but not having to do it more than once a week makes it worth it.

Skip Hop Treetop Play Mat:  To be honest, I was really against this one.  Picturing an assortment of brightly colored contraptions dangling over my daughter on an obnoxiously loud mat was not something I was interested in.  However, I feel like I now owe a public apology to Skip Hop--our little bird loves the little birds on the “Treetop Friends” play mat.  Another favorite?  The TinyLove one my parents keep at their house (though I still refuse to use the music and light up option).

Green Spouts Brush:  A brush is a brush is a brush, right?  WRONG!  This one is over-the-top soft, and it gets the job done.  Love love love!

iPad White Noise App “Relax Melodies HD”:  This app has a free version, and it's truly awesome.  You are able to layer background noises: whether it is starting with rain and adding in city noises like cars whooshing by, or wind and adding in crickets and even a campfire (though I’m unsure of how many parents will really be wanting the “calming” sound of fire in the background)!

Boat & Tote Bag:  This is my new favorite thing!  If you have ever traveled with an infant, you know that despite them being small, they come with a huge amount of stuff!  Just go to the LL Bean website, and you are able to design your own bag--from the size, to the handle length, multiple colors, pockets and zippers.  We have the extra large, and we are able to contain everything we need for a weekend and more.  As a bonus, if "Boat and Tote" isn't preppy enough for your style, you can add a monogram!

Pacifier Wipes:  I have to admit, I don’t know one other person that owns these besides me, but if you have a little one who loves a good paci, this is a must.  Even bringing an extra pacifier doesn’t cut it sometimes.  Once both are dropped on the ground, searching for a bathroom to wash them isn’t always a possibility--and more so, using scented and dyed soap isn’t really an option either.  I keep one pack of these in the diaper bag and only use one if there are no other options- that way a single package lasts quite some time.

Babyganics Stain Remover:  Without getting into the details, we have sure called on this product a bunch.  Recommended by a friend, this stain-remover lives up to everything she promised and more!  In fact, even after washing and drying poop-ridden clothing, this still got it out!

Let’s hear from you, loyal BBM readers: What products got you through the first few months (besides caffeine and nap nannies of course!) ?

not about anything

When I got pregnant I heard all the time how breastfeed would take all those extra pounds, I would loose it and never look back.
Now breast feeding never really worked out for me and the food in America is so yummy I'm still looking like a chubby 9 month pregnant women.
How does anyone do it? I work from 9-6 Monday to Thursday, I leave home at 8.15 and get home usually 6.45 by then I'm so tired and just want to chill plus any classes at gyms are over and done with, on Fridays my hubby works and I have alone time with my bg so we try to get out and do fun things but no gym, no gym ever it feels like.
I used to be really big (well I'm only one size away from that really big) and joined ww, it worked great for me, I had a goal and I had a firm week to week thing, but ww is a lot of involvement, the cooking, the counting, the meetings, and all that took up so much time, it made me think less of those snacks in between coz I had to plan everything. I'd love to get back to that, but I have no time now.

What did you all do? Seriously though, with very little time, no family around to help out and a young baby.
what happened to me?
where did I go?
I have gained pounds and a little wonderful amazing girl, but where did my will power go?

Do you ever feel lost and then ashamed for that feeling?

I always try to be honest with anyone who asks me about who things are at home, with baby and all, If things at the moment are good, I'll say just that, but if they are not so good I'll say that too, no one else seems to though, everything is always peachy.
I have been reading this blog www.motherhoodwtf.com
it's so funny, open and honest and it makes me feel better about life and the world.
I do picture this women as tall, slim and very very pretty coz that's how she sounds, but nice, a little bit scary, but she sounds nice....
I am hoping that my postings on this blog might not be as funny but they are open and honest, I think we need more of that in this world...
lots of love to you all.
xx