Saturday, May 4, 2013

The end of an era

Last week I purchased Val a convertible car seat. She is 20 pounds, and her weight in combination with our old Graco car seat was hard on the back to carry around, plus she is crazy long, so I figured it was time to move her to the big girl car seat. It arrived the next day (thank you Amazon Prime), and I installed it in my car after both girls went to bed one night. I came back into the kitchen and took one look at her infant car seat sitting there on the floor, and I burst into tears. And now I am tearing up again while writing this...damn you mother hormones!

I feel an overwhelming sadness when I think about Val being my last baby. She is growing incredibly fast - she is almost 9 months and already in size 18 month clothing. She is eating everything in sight. She is about to crawl any second now and not far off from walking. And now she is in a big girl car seat, just like her older sister. I feel like time is moving way too fast for me, and lately it has been making me incredibly sad.

Pretty soon her adorable, chubby, kissable baby feet aren't going to be so cute and soft. She isn't going to laugh at me making a silly face, or pull on my lip and think it is the funniest thing in the world. She isn't going to smile and kick her legs when I come in to get her out of the crib. She won't have that amazing smushy bum that I love to chew on every time she gets naked (seriously it is the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life.) Or even if she does have all those things, she won't let me chew on her like she does now. I wish I could stop time and keep her this size forever...

Well, not really, because I can't wait to see what the future has in store for my girls, but I seriously love the ages they are now. I have M who is 3.5 going on 30. She makes sure to remind me to put my scissor away and not leave them on the counter because it is dangerous. And she tells me to clean up my messes. She can also recite every episode of Doc McStuffins by heart and does the best fake laugh I have ever heard. And she wants to help me do anything and everything I do, and I just love it. And Val...she is just the happiest smushiest baby in the world. I am blessed to have such wonderful children.

But when I think about the fact that they are only going to get older, and I will never have another baby in the house I get terribly sad. My husband and I agreed that we would only have 2 children from the beginning. Two is the perfect number - man to man defense. Everyone gets their own bedrooms. Traveling will be easy. Plus kids are crazy expensive, and with only two we can give them the best of everything.

Life is crazy enough with two right now, I could never imagine having another one. And I am not saying that I would want another kid at all. I am happy with two. Two is our number. But when I think about the fact that I am done having kids, and I will never be pregnant again, it really makes me sad.

What adds to the sadness is that I still have two frozen embryos after doing the IVFs. I still have to two babies on ice - a potential brother or sister for M and Val, or both.

When trying to get pregnant with Val last in 2011 I learned that I was non responsive to the fertility drugs, and would most likely not be able to produce viable eggs again, so the frozen embryos that I had were my last chance to ever get pregnant. The fact that there are two potential babies on ice, that I will probably never use, really makes me sad.

Not sad enough to try and get pregnant again, but sad that I will ultimately have to make that final decision to discard the embryos and come to grips with the fact that I am done having kids. I think I would be even sadder if I did decide to go through with an IVF again and it didn't end in pregnancy - something I want to avoid altogether.

I have friends now that already have two kids and are either pregnant with, or trying for their third child. They keep asking me if I am done, and of course I say yes, because I am, but just saying that out loud makes my heart sink a little.

When M would out grow her clothes I would put them in a plastic tub, and set them aside for her potential sister. Now when Val out grows her clothes (and damn does she grow out of things quickly) I still pack them up, but now in hopes that one of my friends will have a baby girl to wear them. The baby swing has gone to the basement, along with the bassinet, the snap n go, the Moby wrap, the Boppys...all to either be donated or lent to friends in the future. Tear...

I love our life right now. We are finally getting sleep again. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin again. We have a good thing going right now. It just makes me sad to realize that soon my babies won't be babies anymore.

It is the end of an era, but the beginning of another exciting adventure.

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