To lean or not to lean, that is the question

Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In has created a veritable firestorm.  Maureen Dowd called her the "pom pom girl for feminism";  other women accuse Sandberg of being out of touch—how dare a Harvard double-degreed, successful business executive (with a mansion in Silicon Valley and a mini-army to conquer the daily childcare and household tasks) tell us about how to live our lives? Why is she telling women that they are their own worst enemies?  Isn’t she blaming the victim? 

Personally, I like Sheryl Sandberg and what she has to say.  I recently watched her talk at Harvard Business School’s 50th anniversary of officially admitting women into their MBA progam (an aside: has it really been only 50 years since HBS started admitting women to their B-school? That in itself says a lot about the current state of gender equality).  What she had to say was: yes, there are institutional challenges; yes, there is plenty of ingrained sexism there, starting from when girls are barely old enough to walk or speak; and yes, we need to work and solve all these problems.  But her point about “leaning in” wasn’t that we all should work more or abandon our families.   Her point was quite simply: set your own personal goals, and don’t be afraid to pursue them.  Ambitiously. Don’t let people’s ideas about how women should behave or your own fears (I’m not qualified, I won't be a good mother, it’s unseemly for women to appear "too ambitious") keep you back. 

I found it downright inspiring. She was intelligent, witty, poised, a great storyteller, and also…a serious knockout in the red dress she was wearing (if I were President Obama, I’d get flack for that comment). I thought to myself, “wow, why wouldn’t anyone agree with her?” And that’s when I realized, perhaps it’s precisely because of all her success that we can’t bear to hear her message.  She herself brought up an example of how as men become more successful, they become more likeable, while as women become successful, their likeability drops (cf Barack vs Hillary 2008).  And maybe that's what’s happened to Sheryl Sandberg. 

Why don’t we like her? Is it our own insecurity as women, our own tendency to compare, to disparage and critique when we feel envious? Is it our own internal “stuff” keeping us from supporting other smart, successful, hard-working sisters out there?  I do think so. It reminds me of a pretty funny, candid conversation I overheard between two women recently. One woman said about another friend: “She has a flat stomach and a great butt. I hate her.”  Instead of the envy, girlfriend, why don’t you ask your friend what diet and exercise regimen is getting her so toned?  Why don’t we let ourselves learn from other women’s great examples?

Gloria Steinem was recently asked about her thoughts on this Lean In phenomenon in the New Yorker.  Wisely, she said:

“Only in women is success viewed as a barrier to giving advice. Meanwhile Trump, whose brain is deteriorating under the heat of his toupee, is fine giving advice.”

You might not agree with everything Sheryl Sandberg says, nor might you want to live your life the way she has, but at least give a successful lady a chance to contribute to the conversation.  She’s accomplished amazing things in her meteoric career, and personally, I’m going to buy the book, lean in, and learn from her wisdom. 

And I’m going to do some squats.

It's hard to be a female CEO

          There have been a lot of headlines recently about Marissa Mayer’s choice to herd back the telecommuting crowd at Yahoo.  The blogosphere has been inundated with lots of backlash about the lack of family-friendliness in her decision. Snarky comments from lots of mommy bloggers about how as a female CEO with an infant, Ms. Mayer should be more forgiving to her fellow employees.  And while it is a bit ironic that she should draw such a hard line on working from home, since she’s apparently built a nursery next to her office (obviously she is craving some work-personal life balance of her own), I don’t fault her for her decision. 

            Yes, I really said that. Now you all know by now I am dyed-in-the-wool feminist (even though that has become a dirty word), a telecommuting, work-from-my-neighborhood-café type of work-at-home mama.  I’m all about job flexibility. I’ve written some posts about this.  But I am also a pragmatist.  Marissa Mayer wasn’t hired to make Yahoo family-friendly.  She was hired to turn the ailing internet giant around from impending collapse. Some women commentators have further noted that she should set a “better example” for the rest of us—that by taking two weeks off for maternity leave, having the gumption to say on national TV that motherhood was “easier than I expected,” and now banning telecommuting--she's giving terrible messages to the rest of us working ladies out there, setting impossibly high standards for anyone to be compared to, and ultimately destroying the cause of feminism. 

            Well…maybe. Yes, personally, I do think that she took a pretty measly maternity leave. Two weeks post-partum, our life was a big hot mess—and even after the typical American three months of maternity leave, we were barely getting by as a family.  I do think families need more parental leave than what the US currently guarantees by law, which is paltry...and unpaid.  I also haven’t experienced motherhood as easier than I expected....almost ever. But in truth, I also haven’t been grilled on my personal life, my every choice scrutinized and commented upon in the media. I mean, people were pissed off that she showed up on the cover of Forbes not pregnant (given the choice between the normal me and the round-as-a-globe-me, I would too, if I had such an opportunity!). Also, for the record, she never said motherhood was “easy,” or even came close to commenting that the rest of us should stop our complaining about motherhood.  And as far as telecommuting, I do think you can be successful, depending on the job you’ve been hired to do. I have made it work, and to my own surprise, I have been rewarded with promotions during the years I’ve been more “out of the office” than in.

            But (there is a big BUT coming) though I personally disagree with some of her decisions, I respect her choices and applaud her ability to lead her life and career the way she wants, just as I want to lead mine. In this case, as in others, women are the harshest critics…of each other. And honestly, that's how we undermine ourselves.  I bet you if she had taken six months off for maternity leave, we'd be all up in arms that she wasn't showing up for the job.  If she had said motherhood was harder than she ever imagined, we might feel smug ("Ahh, Marissa, we told you so!").  As for the idea that she should be a good “role model” and advocate for working women everywhere—she didn’t sign up for that particular PR job.  She signed up to be the CEO of Yahoo, and she certainly has had to make some tough choices along the way.  It's too bad she felt she had to take a fortnight of paternal leave. That sounds exhausting.  It's too bad that some sense of family-friendliness at Yahoo had to go (though some have speculated the telecommuting decision was actually aimed at some MIA employees running their own start-ups on the side).

            Whatever the case may be, I truly believe that by her example as a successful female CEO, by doing her job well, she'll ultimately further the cause.  Actions speak louder than words. She's already given me hope, because she was chosen to lead Yahoo even after she disclosed to her board of directors she was pregnant (when she didn't have to, BTW).  It makes me think of how many are disgruntled that our president isn’t doing enough for minority issues during his presidency.  Maybe he could do more. But the simple fact that he is the first African American president breaks down some landmark barriers.  We can't expect one person to change the world in one brushstroke.

            Do I wish Marissa Mayer did more for "the cause"? Certainly.  And maybe she will. Or maybe she won't.  Either way, I won’t fault her for doing her job to the best of her ability or living her life the way she wants.  Ladies, let’s lay off the griping and give her the same respect and credit we’d like others to give us for our choices. That we have been actively debating these issues of parental leave, motherhood, and work-life balance is amazing. These discussions are the kind we should have as women, as families, and as a nation.  That's when the real change happens.  

(Now don't get me started on Sheryl Sandberg...just give me a chance to read her book Lean In, first).

A woman's place is in...

There is a trap we all fall into sometimes, whether we like it or not. I find myself stuck doing things that I think society expects of me or I unconsciously expect of myself, rather than what I really want to do. Recently it’s been the expectation that I should be the one to keep “it” together: family, hearth, and home, while my husband brings home the bacon (but, really, don’t I bring home some ham myself?). 

Our nanny requested a two-week vacation: her brother was getting married in Brazil, and of course she needed the time off.  Oh we’ll be fine, I thought to myself. I’ll just take that time off from work and hang with the kids. It will be fun.  Well, no, not really.  In addition to two lost weeks of work, I was frazzed the week before wrapping up and the week after the break frantically catching up.  And during: though admittedly there were some precious, sublime moments of fun, we all fell pretty ill during those two weeks.  Pretty miserable, actually.

But that’s life, right? Illness happens. Here’s the rub though: in retrospect, I was irked that that I had assumed all the responsibilities of childcare, hearth and home were mine. That’s right, the home was my complete domain, and if our nanny wasn't going to be there, it was all on me. I had unwittingly volunteered myself for the whole kit and kaboodle, without thinking through the alternatives. And to top it off, my husband did not protest.

Why didn’t I say to him, “hey love, M is gone for two weeks. Which week are you going to take off work to take care of the kids, and which will I take off?” Why did he let me bask in my delusion that my taking two weeks off from work was the right thing to do? We were both complicit in the idea about where each of our responsibilities lay.  He said to me, “Oh, you know I really want to help you.”  Umm, no. Let's rewind and try that again. Saying you are going to “help” me is also assuming that anything childcare- or home-related defaults to me. Instead: “How are we going to share this responsibility together?”

But haven’t we have all grown up with these assumptions of appropriate gender roles in families? They are hard to shake off. Take these two examples of some recent rather humorous faux pas from my very own dad:

Dad: “Oh I think that it is important for both parents to be involved in kids’ lives. That’s why women should stay at home.”

Or,

Dad: “I don’t understand why so and so wants to be a stay-at-home dad. I mean don’t you think he would have some ambition to do something with his life?”

Me: “Don’t you think it’s a double-standard that stay-at-home moms are completely acceptable and stay-at-home dads have something wrong with them?”

Dad: “Well don’t you think something is wrong with him?”

I don’t mean to be selling my husband or dad down the river. They are both exceptional, supportive men.  These examples illustrate that even the best of us—men and women--have a double-standard about where a woman’s and subsequently a man’s place is.

           

 When I was pregnant with each of our kids, friends and family would turn to me (and only me) and demand rapid-fire, “How much time are you taking off? When are you going change your schedule to work part-time? Of course you are breastfeeding (was that even a question?). You are going to let a stranger take care of your children while you work? Why aren’t you quitting?” The answers I gave were never good enough.  No one ever paused for a minute to even turn to my husband and ask how he was going to turn his life upside down in nine months. The assumption was, my life was the one that was going to change completely, because our family's survival depended on it.

The fact of the matter is, both of our lives have completely changed with the dude and little miss, in expected and unexpected ways.  Expected: the innumerable ways they demonstrate day in and day out how they are the most adorable kids on the planet. Unexpected? How having children would put our expectations of our roles as husband and wife, father and mother, in stark relief.  How we have had to re-evaluate how we see ourselves, time and time again.

Being more explicit about the choices we make. Thinking about how we share the load will ultimately make us each feel less pigeon-holed in any one of these  “traditional” roles: breadwinner, homemaker, or head of household. And that’s good for everyone in the family.

2029 or bust

Sometimes, I get myself caught in some pretty unhelpful thinking. I will fantasize, "Oh, when the dude is three (or four, or five...), life will be easier..." or "When little miss turns one (or two, or goes to preschool, etc) life will be easier." And though it's true, life with young kids has slowly gotten easier in some ways this past year, there are always new challenges around the corner. Adventures in parenting (c.f., Elizabeth Shue, “Adventures in Babysitting”), as my husband likes to say.

Yesterday, I met with a senior faculty member whom I would call a life mentor.  Her kids are in their 20s, and she has a full, mature, and still growing career. We were talking about the differences between mothering and fathering, and the ever-present challenges of parenting. She said to me, "you know, my daughter is 24, but I still wonder to myself, ‘should I have breastfed Zoe longer than I did?’” We laughed, but I got her point: you do the best you can as a mother, and yet there may always be lingering questions about if you did the "right" thing, even decades later.

I understand when Michelle Obama commented recently that her most important role is “Mom-in-Chief.” At the same time, I know that for me personally, maintaining my career identity, though not always easily done, has been a bit of an oasis of sanity in a sea of poopy diapers. It has been reassuring to know for instance, like yesterday when my son melted down over a pretzel after preschool, I can put him down for his nap, change into my work clothes, say bye to our nanny, go into to my office, and focus on my own thing for a while.  To see a project published, to teach students, to present my research findings, to care for patients: it’s been a satisfying parallel to watching my kids grow these past few years.

But when push comes to shove, family trumps work, every time. I’ll cancel that day at work at the drop of a hat if the kids need me.  I've kept a part-time, flexible schedule on purpose.  Still, it's not perfect. I recently received some anonymous feedback from trainees I’ve worked with: one commented that I wasn’t available enough because I work part-time.  The irony: I hand out my personal cell phone number to those I work with and ask them to call me anytime, no question too small.  If I cancel a meeting, I make it up, either in person or on the phone.  And incidentally, if the person giving this feedback is who I think it might be, it’s even more ironic: they shared with me recently they are trying to start a family, and we actually talked for a while about “balancing” work and family (balancing? Try juggling...swords and fire sticks), dealing with that messy imperfection that we call life.   

I found myself sighing and thinking, "well, one day you may understand."  And it is indeed a larger life perspective I've come to, realizing that there are tough choices we each have to make for ourselves, every single day.  And ultimately, that person will have to find their own path, just as I've endeavored to find mine. Recently, I have come to the realization that I want to be involved in a particular way for my kids as they grow up.  It's not simply a matter of working less now and going back full-time when they are older and in elementary school. I’d like to be there for school drop-off and pick-ups, at their after-school activities, and on their school trips.  By not committing myself full-time to my career, I am choosing a very different path than I did as a young woman in my 20s.  I imagine that by the time the kids are in school, I'll work 9-3 most days, which would still put me in the "part-time" category.

Part-time, however, does not mean part-commitment, to either my kids or to my work.  Maybe someday I’ll go back to those 8-6 hours I kept before the dude was born, maybe after we send little miss off to college...so what will that be, 2029?  But there's that illogical thinking rearing its head again. There’s  no use in planning that far ahead.  Life has its unexpected twists and turns, and these days I am more realistic, content to navigate life as it unfolds in front of me, one day at time.

not about anything

When I got pregnant I heard all the time how breastfeed would take all those extra pounds, I would loose it and never look back.
Now breast feeding never really worked out for me and the food in America is so yummy I'm still looking like a chubby 9 month pregnant women.
How does anyone do it? I work from 9-6 Monday to Thursday, I leave home at 8.15 and get home usually 6.45 by then I'm so tired and just want to chill plus any classes at gyms are over and done with, on Fridays my hubby works and I have alone time with my bg so we try to get out and do fun things but no gym, no gym ever it feels like.
I used to be really big (well I'm only one size away from that really big) and joined ww, it worked great for me, I had a goal and I had a firm week to week thing, but ww is a lot of involvement, the cooking, the counting, the meetings, and all that took up so much time, it made me think less of those snacks in between coz I had to plan everything. I'd love to get back to that, but I have no time now.

What did you all do? Seriously though, with very little time, no family around to help out and a young baby.
what happened to me?
where did I go?
I have gained pounds and a little wonderful amazing girl, but where did my will power go?

Do you ever feel lost and then ashamed for that feeling?

I always try to be honest with anyone who asks me about who things are at home, with baby and all, If things at the moment are good, I'll say just that, but if they are not so good I'll say that too, no one else seems to though, everything is always peachy.
I have been reading this blog www.motherhoodwtf.com
it's so funny, open and honest and it makes me feel better about life and the world.
I do picture this women as tall, slim and very very pretty coz that's how she sounds, but nice, a little bit scary, but she sounds nice....
I am hoping that my postings on this blog might not be as funny but they are open and honest, I think we need more of that in this world...
lots of love to you all.
xx

What did you get done today? Get it down on the Done List

A day in the life of a shop-owner and mother of 2 girls…

Read on, comment, win a facial!

I used to get stressed and wonder if I should measure the success of my day based on what I accomplished or what was left unfinished on my TO Do list. I decided to counter my daily To Do lists with a Done List and now I can sleep at night! A typical day in the life...

1. Got up and immediately went back down for a nap on the couch
2. Made French toast breakfast for 2yo
3. Ran dishwasher
4. Cleaned kitchen
5. Checked emails
6. Placed Diapers.com order
7. Cleaned bathrooms
8. Showered
9. Got 3 girls dressed, including hair
10. Showed up half an hour late for my first meeting – girls in tow
11. Rearranged the store in one department – made a big mess in all other departments
12. Took next meeting with Plum District – fabulous family-based deal of the day – check it out here: www.plumdistrict.com
13. Dashed home for naptime
14. Completed 2 loads of laundry
15. Placed Amazon order for lunch bento boxes – stay tuned, this is the subject of an upcoming blog!
16. Ordered wooden rocker for patio from www.yliving.com for all the relaxing that won’t get done out there…
17. Raced back to the store, arrivivg 20 minutes late for my next meeting – girls in tow – this time with www.EventBrite.com, a central website for all events you are creating or attending, love it!
18. Meltdown by 2yo – realized I forgot to feed her lunch and took her to the café next door for mac & cheese
19. Next meeting with the lovely Lauren, mom and creator of inspired felt flower pins, baby hats and accessories – check her out here: http://www.etsy.com/shop/LittlestDoveDesigns and in store soon at www.cocobaby.co
20. Mad dash home
21. Bathed and changed 2 yo
22. Vacuumed
23. Dropped off kids with grandfather at Upper Crust (www.theuppercrustpizzeria) for pizza dinner
24. Picked up free facial gift card from Skoah for THIS blog’s lucky readership!
25. Dinner at Teatro (www.teatroboston.com) with new friends
26. Watched movie in the theater – “What To Expect When You’re Expecting” – laughed a little, cried a little, most of all couldn’t wait to get back home to my own 2mo baby!
27. Blogged
28. Fed and settled crying 2mo until we all passed out

If you think this is a long list, you should see what is left on my TO DO list! But I’m not going to let that get me down; from now on I focus only on the DONE LIST and I challenge you to try it out today!

Tell me what you did today and you’ll be in the running for a fabulous FREE ONE-HOUR FACIAL AT SKOAH BOSTON in the South End – www.skoahboston.com - personal training for your skin and the ultimate reward for the busiest juggling Boston Mama!

From The Other Side of the Ceiling?

The following is a post submitted to me by a friend of one of our bloggers, who will remain anonymous. 

Growing up I always heard about the "Glass Ceiling" and, it is true that even today a vast discrepancy is apparent in the entertainment industry as well as many others.  In fact, the gap is apparent across wages for all race and education levels.  I know that my salary is within the range acceptable for my level of education and work experience, but that range is quite broad spanning over $50,000 when viewed on glassdoor.com.    Now in my fifth year and working for industry, I can't help but wonder, "Is this gender thing affecting me?"

Heading out to lunch with a work friend last week I tried to broach the subject of performance reviews, pay grades, etc in my new role. I'd recently transferred into the facility I where I work and he'd been there for five years having just been promoted to management.  I knew him even while working at my last site, so I figured he'd have a good perspective and I trusted our relationship enough to for him to know I wasn't just being whinny.  It also helped that I was not a direct report of his so I didn't feel like I was applying any pressure for him to make a case for me to get a raise or some such thing.  That was why it really bugged me when I heard the following in relation to our debate over my company's segmentation policy used during performance outcome discussions. 

"Well, you know some people want to spend time with their families, but if others are working more then they get to be rewarded." 

"Yes, I want to spend time with my family and NO that doesn't mean I don't work my a** off."   I really wanted to scream that at him.  Of course, I did not.  I can't even remember what I did say.  I was too shocked.   I'm sure it was something about the system really not being fair to all work situations.   

Now part of me wants to think, he didn't mean it that way and even if it was an affront to working moms (and dads!), it's only one guy.  Then that other part of me (the paranoid?) part creeps in and starts to think about my last year of work.  That is, my child recently turned one, and it's only the last year that I've had to think about how being a mom affects my work performance and/or how others view how I'm doing at work.  

Work At Home Mama

I had a typical weekday morning today: got the kids up and ready with my husband, started breakfast together, said bye to daddy with a send-off kiss to work. Fed my daughter breakfast while our son played “kitchen” and made us cupcakes and oatmeal.  Once our nanny arrived, my son had a meltdown about going to preschool—a combination of wanting to watch more Elmo on my iPhone, to play with mama at home, and still feeling under the weather.  After about 10 minutes of tears, somehow we recovered, and I hauled him in the stroller to preschool, dropped him off, rushed home to nurse my daughter and put her down for her nap, pumped the next feeding, changed into my work clothes, gave our nanny instructions for the morning, and left for a work meeting. All before 930am.

This has been roughly my routine give or take for the last six months, a combination of the day-to-day caring for our children while juggling work meetings and projects from home. I have it pretty good, the right combination for me of being present for my children while still maintaining the most stimulating parts of my career. Having our nanny really helps me to take time to work, and also gives me a break from full-time parenting. 

Once someone told me, "You are so lucky that your career allows you to be able to work part-time." Well, it isn't always easy, nor was it simply luck.  Perhaps not all careers are amenable to part-time, but neither was mine initially. I carefully chose parts of my career that could translate to part-time, and put other parts on hold for now.  My husband and I discussed our family priorities and did some prudent financial planning; I negotiated my work terms with my boss. And when I sit down to work every day, I work hard.  What I do feel is gratitude that I can make this arrangement work for our family.

I jokingly said to someone recently that I was a “Work At Home Mom” without really thinking about it. In my usual three-steps behind fashion, I later googled the term out of curiosity, and found a whole WAHM community out there.  There was even a Wikipedia entry about it, and a magazine for WAHM.

Then I started thinking more about the idea of work, and realized, doesn’t this term miss the point?  Don’t all parents, all mamas work?  Those “SAHM,” they are working in the home. And those “Work Outside The Home” moms are also working in the home too. However joyful parenting is, let’s just lay it out there: it is also work. Hard work.  So really, aren’t we all WAHM?  But more importantly, don’t these designations miss the point?  Don’t they instead aid to heighten the “mommy wars” among those who have decided to spend their time differently, either inside or outside the home? 

There is so much judgment about motherhood these days.  What is best for your kids?  For you to stay at home? To work outside the home part-time? Full-time?  I have heard an earful from all sides in my relatively short time as a mama.  Oh the pressure, and oh, the guilt.  And it irritates me to hear the pointed, back-stabbing comments women make about each other’s choices.  

Shouldn't we be instead supportive of our fellow mothers, each forging their own paths to modern motherhood?  Sure, we each have our opinions about what is best—but the key here is, what is best for ourselves, and best for our individual families.  A very close friend of mine asked me the other day if I felt I had gotten it “right” somehow.  I told her I thought that, more than the nitty-gritty details of what I do on a given day, what I had “right” in my life was the freedom to choose those details.  Plenty of parents don’t have that choice, for a myriad of reasons.  

For me, having a choice--well, that is luxury. Because I truly believe that for our family, what works is having a contented mama. That ultimately translates into a contented family.

To SAHM or not?

Recently, Mama J wrote a great post about the job of being a stay at home mom. I also really struggle with the title of SAHM (sorry, too lazy to write out stay-at-home-mom every time) and if you would indulge me, I would like to add my confusion to the conversation.

I have a PhD in Engineering. I worked as an industrial chemist for a few years, then quit my job and am now home with my two young kids. I am extremely privileged to have a husband who can support us and give me the luxury to be home with my two small children. I think that being a SAHM is a perfectly respectable career choice and REALLY REALLY HARD WORK OH MY GOD. But I just can't seem to own the title. It just doesn't feel right to introduce myself as a SAHM.

I left my job a little over a year ago, and when I announced I was leaving I was met with one of two reactions:

#1: Oh wow, that is such great news. You will never regret this decision. Your son needs you! They grow up so fast and you have to take every opportunity to be with them when they are little! Good for you!

Clearly, I liked hearing this one. It helped buffer the gut-punch from reaction #2 and its many variations:

#2: What? Why did you bother getting a PhD?
#2a: Another one bites the dust, huh (meaning young women at my company).
#2b: Oh, your (boss, mentor, advisor, etc) will be so disappointed.

And my absolute favorite (actually said to me by a fellow young woman scientist):
#2c: I don't know why they bother hiring women at all.

Ouch.

I believe the words of reaction #1, but reaction #2 is what plays in the background of my head. It was there when I left, it is there as I try to figure out what is next for me, and I’m not really sure why. Is it an ego thing? I need people to know that I could work full-time as a scientist, I just choose not to? Is it a responsibility to womenhood that I feel I should stick it out in science to try to add to the ranks of women in science? Is it a responsibility to my (parents, teachers, mentors, anonymous people who donated to the scholarships I received) to achieve as high as I can in my chosen field?

Is it a legitimate to toss these concerns aside so I can spend more time playing with my kids?

I think it is, and that is why I've made the choices I have. But I can't shake the feeling that this is not where I really belong. I feel like my kids are benefiting from my being around, but they don't really need me (and not some other carefully chosen caregiver) around all the time to grow up into healthy, good people. And I feel like I have some ambition to do something in addition to the work of parenting.

Perhaps I should also be perfectly honest admit that full-time parenting is a LOT OF WORK OH MY GOD, and I am afraid of totally losing myself in it. Are the SAHMs who love being home full-time just better at this than I am? Further removed from having an infant and a 2yo? Better parents? Worse?

It really bothered me that the job of SAHM was seen as a cop-out when I left my science job. If I decide not to stay home, am I reinforcing the idea that SAHMing isn’t a real job?

At the end of the day it really shouldn't matter how I stack up to other SAHMs or how many times I hear reaction #1 or #2 or what other people think of my decisions. In fact, I am sure most people don’t even care what I do. What should matter is what combination of working and SAHMming makes our family the happiest. And while that is easy to say I am not sure what that means in practical terms. Or how to separate the reactions of others from my internal monologue about what's best for me.

So what I am wondering is, does anybody have this figured out?

Finding "Balance"

I've started some version of this post at least a dozen times in the past year, but I've always stopped because I have felt it was too, raw and too, exposed. So I ask that you mamas out there who may know my husband and family be kind and not judge. But after being reduced to tears standing in the middle of the gym before 6a, here we go...

In a previous blog I talked about the "bag of guilt" (see: Guilt) I feel weighted by, but recently, due to changes in my schedule and my daughter's simultaneous shift in her schedule I'm here to say that "bag" was super-sized to a tote or overnight bag.

First, let me start with this cruel, possibly imagined, but very real feeling I have lately. While at my professional work experience, I have not felt the pressure of a clock with someone watching my time in well over a decade- I have come to feel that by my husband, my mother, my in-laws and by some of my friends someone is literally holding a stop watch to the minutes and seconds I do or do not spend with my daughter.

When I accepted a new job, a better, more exciting, but equally manageable management position...almost everyone asked if, "It was fewer days...". Huh? I don't want to make this so much about work, but I hold a very senior position, running a revenue generating department- how on earth could that be expected to be a part time job? As I try to explain that, I see disappointment wash over everyone's face. Then, the question is followed by, "Is it less hours?". Again, "Huh?" It is less stressful, and more fulfilling and provides more opportunity, but that doesn't seem to be a satisfying answer for people.

Next up on my minutes watcher is and has been for some time...is my husband. I'm not going to get into a lot of preamble on him- he is very helpful, and has never directly said what I feel is implied, but here's a sample conversation:


Him, "You know if you shower at night you get a lot more time with dd."
Me, "Yes, it is nice to get a few more minutes, but sometimes it is just necessary to wash and dry my hair in the am to look put together...".
Him, "Can't you wash it the night before?".
Me, "Yes, I try."

The point of this conversation that irks me is this, from shower to dry to make up and dressed, I've nailed the routine to 30 minutes. Pretty damn good if you ask me (or if we were to do a poll on this site, right?). But that 30 minutes isn't good enough for him. To me, and how this plays out for me in my head, he "counts" those minutes.

Family Eating - Take One

I know family-friendly eating tips are a dime-a-dozen these days, but I feel inclined to offer mine too. I can never seem to find tips and recipes that are quick enough for me and yet still well-rounded. I don't want to wash a bunch of pans...and I don't want to have to make a salad every night...I want the veggies in the meal too! I'm cooking for a 3-year old, who is a pretty adventurous eater (he likes seaweed salad), but won't eat potatoes or most meats. And I'm cooking for a 10-month old who has been on table foods for months...primarily because they're great entertainment for him and allow me 10 minutes to eat (although like most moms I can inhale a days worth of calories in 15 seconds standing in front of the fridge). I certainly don't want to be a short-order cook, but I can't expect kids with palates like the grown-ups. As much as I like macaroni and cheese, I want to enjoy more sophisticated food on occasion too. So here is how my family eats.

• Chili: I'm a big fan of vegetarian chili. In addition to beans, pureed pumpkin (a good thickener), peppers, and corn are all easy additions. But my 3-year old doesn't like soup. So I'll pull out the veggies and use them as "toppings" for some whole-grain baked tortilla chips (or some other type of relatively healthy chip). With a little cheese melted on top, he thinks he is getting a treat, but he is eating loads of veggies. The baby gets the same veggies, pulled out of the chili, and some sliced avocado. And my husband and I enjoy ours with sour cream, avocado, and a little extra chili powder sprinkled on top.
• Rotisserie or Roasted Chicken: A mom's best friend. You can roast your own or buy one in the store. I'm sure they're pumped full of all kids of stuff I don't want to know about, but I'm addicted to the rotisserie chickens at Coscto. I'll serve slices over a salad or serve with some roasted veggies. My oldest likes the legs (pretty much the only meat he'll eat) and the dark meat is soft enough it slides down the throat of my youngest. Leftovers get thrown into soup, tossed with barbecue sauce for sandwiches, or served over egg noodles with soft cooked carrots, peas, and celery.

Family Planning

When we decided to start a family, it was a fairly easy decision. We both knew we wanted a family, but wanted to have a few milestones hit professionally and as a couple before venturing into the unpredictable world of creating and caring for a child. And very fortunately for us, when we decided it was time, things worked out and we were quickly expecting and life was set in motion.

However, as my daughter approaches two and the pressure builds internally and externally to “have another,” something I have always thought that I wanted…I find myself hesitant and scared to pull the trigger.

First off, as a full time working mom, I have written about the guilt I feel every day I leave my daughter, and while it has quieted the drumming in my ear every minute, it is still there. This ever present guilt, has me paralyzed that if I only get so much time with my one child now, how would I ever split that time between two and how would they (and I) feel about it. Now, having consulted countless other moms, everyone says you just make it work…and it all works out. But does it? Will I really be at peace with paying less attention to my daughter to care for a new little one?

Second, I finally feel like I have my legs. I finally feel like it is okay if I make time to exercise—even if it means waking before my child, finally letting go of some control and guilt to allow my daughter to spend more time with her grandparents so my husband and I can nourish our relationship a bit, and while it is not every night, I mostly feel like I get to sleep like a normal human again. (However, I don’t think I will ever like waking before 6 even if it does because my schedule.) And as I consider adding another warm, little lovable person to our family, I wonder how long or how much more quickly I will figure all of these lessons back. Will I revert back to not knowing or have I learned these valuable lessons and will be poised to be a better parent right from the start?

When I hold little babies, I gently hold them in awe, and shock that my “baby” is no longer a baby. I don’t know that I long for those days, because I know they will never be those same days that I did experience—with one perfect, little angel.

It will be different and complicated, and hard and exhausting. And it could take a while, which would be scary and stressful….or it could happen quickly, which would be scary and stressful in a different way.

Many of my friends and family, have quickly moved from one baby to the next, in fact many became pregnant while their babies were just little babies themselves and aside from flinching a little—these people said they intentionally wanted things to be this way. And as I watch my friend’s children close in age grow, I see so many of the benefits and differences.

I had a window that was briefly open a few months ago to add to our family, but I panicked and after half-heartedly trying one month, my husband and I both were okay to hit pause.

As time ticks on, and seasons change, how will I know when I’m ready again? Or will I not know, and it will just have to be something I discover the joy of once it happens?

Mamas, how did you know? Did any of you have cold feet when it came to your second?

Only Teachers Like Snow Days

Okay, so I’m exaggerating with the title of this blog, but after today, I think it might be a little true. J

The past few weeks have been on the Northeast, a bit too much winter wonderland for me. I’ve never really enjoyed winter, at least not since I’ve been a grown up who lived in a world that did not stop when it snowed. Last year I traveled from my home in the suburbs through 3 feet of snow, into the city for a meeting scheduled by people who lived in the city and didn’t understand this was not a matter of having trouble finding a cab, it was a long and seriously drawn out, tedious process. Aside from the joy of trekking in the snow, there was the issue of child care. I was fortunate enough to have a husband who could stay home to care for our daughter, but there was no way our babysitter was getting to us that day…nor was there a chance she was getting to us today.

I’ve been reluctant to call out when there is snow as I know how many others are contending with the elements as well, so on today’s most “glorious” display of mother nature, my husband and I both stayed home to work and share the child care responsibilities since our sitter couldn’t make it out in the morning conditions. I don’t think it is a solution we will be considering again soon.

First of all, I seriously need a new list of tricks from mothers of 2-3 years olds. We colored, did memory cards, played with play dough, used chalk, read books, watched a show, ate breakfast and played store all before 10a. Mamas, PLEASE post some alternate ideas and suggestions that are easy go to for this age range that I can keep around. My daughter has an inappropriate amount of toys, but not much that she can or will do independently at this point. And while I adore the fact that she wants me in the middle of everything, as I was trying to email my boss, and take a conference call, it was not great.

Second, babies have a sick sense of radar for when you need them to sleep. We are blessed with a generally amazing baby who naps (I assume this is because she thinks sleeping in is 6a). However, NOT TODAY! Today, it took almost 2 hours to get her to lay down and fall asleep…and not until there were tons of tears (hers, almost mine), several visits to her room and many attempts to “rationalize” with a baby…who is too young to really be rationalized with. After she finally collapsed in my arms asleep (2 hours later), she awoke abruptly an hour and ten minutes later. Some days she has napped for four hours, most days three plus, today an hour.

So while I did enjoy working in my pajamas today, and treasured the extra time together, it was a far more stressful day than I expected and one that I wish I could have managed differently. Should I have called out of work completely? Should I have requested our sitter to be there in the afternoon, just in case? What did you do with this, and with other snow storms? And what ideas can you share about making the most indoors so that you don’t find yourself losing patience and enjoying the moment less?

A year of growth

Amazing how the past year has flown. I know every mother/parent says it, but to look at how S has grown truly astounds me. But I've grown too, as a person, a wife and a mother.
This whole weekend I reflected on what I was doing a year ago - not knowing I was heading into labor, giving birth and the time following when we came home from the hospital.

I spent so much of this weekend cooking and cleaning, (which was well needed, as we were having our families over to celebrate S's big day on Sunday) but so much of it felt like I was nesting all over again. The morning I went into labor, at 2am, I made sure to sweep the kitchen floor and straighten up everything before I went to the hospital. I prepped food in the fridge and made sure there was toilet paper in the bathroom.

This weekend's cooking involved making food for S so it would be ready for the week. I start my new job on Tuesday - it'll be the first time I've been back in an office for almost 2 years. I'm excited, nervous and empowered all in the same moment. It's part-time, which hopefully will offer me a good balance of work/brain time and Sophia time. I'm not quite sure what to expect in the world of balance, but I know I will do my best to make it happen.

S is getting closer every day to walking on her own. She has been walking while holding our hands for sometime now. Today, she began to walk with just one of our hands in hers. Soon, I know, she will take her first steps, without holding hands at all. And I am very aware that she may do this with the wonderful woman who is watching her. But I know that when she does it with me, it will be the first time I see her walk and that will be amazing too.

This year has brought me even closer to my husband. We take joy in the little things that S does and in our special time alone with her. I love, respect and appreciate the man who is my husband and my daughter's father. We know each other and what it takes to be a great family. For this, I am lucky and thankful.

I am still breast feeding S, and plan to continue for awhile longer. I am actually not sure, emotionally & physically, how to wean her. I know it will happen when the time is right for both of us. My goal was always to make it to her first birthday. While she is drinking cow's milk in addition to breast milk, I like knowing we still have our time together in the mornings. While my baby is getting so big, she is still my little one.

Happy first birthday S. We have both grown and learned so much this year. Bring on the fun and festivities of the rest of our lives!!

Speaking Up...

I have drafted this blog a few times, and out of fear of offending some moms with different situations, I didn't complete or post anything, but I have decided that there is no where else for me to turn than my Boston Baby Mamas, so mamas...be kind :)

As I may have mentioned before, I'm a full time working mom, trying to "do it all" and failing miserably. Every time I think I have scored a win somewhere, I realize I didn't because I uncover how I have fallen short some place else. Admittedly, I am probably being a bit too harsh, but I am positively failing as it relates to communicating with our nanny.

Our nanny, I will call, "Ann" to keep it simple, is a nice woman. She isn't really like Mary Poppins, but she is a well experienced, mother of three of her own grown children, around my age, with several grandchildren. She is very kind and caring with our daughter and encourages her growth and development well. That should probably be all that matters--but it isn't and it is obviously why you are about to get the following blog!

While she is very kind and well meaning, I have developed quite a few issues with things she does or does not do with my daughter and I have barely been able to verbalize any of what I am about to rant about because I have a perpetual fear of "hurting her feelings" and her not treating my daughter the same because I have some feedback.

First, as it relates to eating. Since my daughter first started solids, over a year ago, food and feeding have been an issue. When I would describe for Ann what delightful fresh baby foods I had whipped up over the weekend to help give my daughter a diversified palate and lots of nutrition, the first set of issues arose. She would make little faces--raising her eyebrows about cauliflower, beets and green beans and say, "Okay...I will try." When I would come home, it would inevitably be left in a bowl on the counter and she would either write or tell me, "Oh, SHE DOES NOT like that..." For months, I never addressed it, I just sheepishly would make suggestions and then ultimately gave up making my own food and buying jars because I least then I wouldn't feel as bad, plus then I wouldn't have to address the real issue, which was it was Ann's responsibility to continue to try to introduce the foods I made, a little each day, until my daughter did like one or all of them...do you know how messy homemade beets are to make? But the food issues did not stop then, and it is probably because of my inability to vocalize my displeasure. I forced the issue on chicken and sliced cheese because anytime I was home, I was able to get my daughter to eat those, despite hearing for weeks, "she does NOT like that..." However, lost are many vegetables, meats, and fruits that I do think my daughter would try and eventually like if Ann wasn't so afraid of conflict with my daughter. Additionally, she have a penchant for putting food away unwrapped and trying to save half of an eaten apple that my daughter sweet (but grimy) little hands and mouth were all over...in my book, GROSS!

Second, it has been explained to me that part of the responsibilities of being a nanny is to ensure that baby clothes are washed, folded, put away...and that diapers and wipes are stocked. For a few weeks, we had a mini-stand off about the folded baby clothes, because one Friday they were washed, and left in the living room and I did put them away. After that Ann began washing clothes and just leaving them folded in the living room, sometimes moved to the landing and sometimes even my daughters room, but then she would leave them there. And like that one Friday, a few times, I caved and put them all away...and then I got really annoyed because I started to realize that whatever I did when Ann did not do, she would actually stop doing it. Enter the baby wipes and diapers! If you do not have a caregiver in your home, the only one you can blame besides yourself is your husband, and we have all been left with baby on the changing table and no diapers or wipes in site. It is annoying and it is irritating. It is especially irritating when it was not you or your husband, that it becomes a regular occurring incident. Have I ever confronted Ann about this--no the closest I have come is leaving a note saying, please re-stack diapers and leaving the diapers out. Do I have to ask this, really?

We do not ask Ann to clean our home or do any of our personal errands. He hours are incredibly reasonable, and all together she ended up with almost 9 weeks of vacation last year, I am I asking too much for my daughters things to be in order?

And last, and this is the one that set me off...a few weeks ago my daughter had an unexplained rash and bites on her back. Freaking out about bugs, I asked and reiterated to Ann that especially because of the recent bug bites, I would like for DD to always be changed into different clothes at nap time. I always do this when I put her down, it not only helps her to be more comfortable, but I can also then insure that no creepy little dust mites or anything else from being in the store, the park or anywhere else have climbed into her precious crib. So tonight when I came home, my daughter was playfully running around in a pair of her pjs, but her hair was up and she didn't look baby clean. When I asked my husband if he had bathed her, he said this is what she must have napped in. I smiled and thought, "oh good, Ann is sticking to the change of clothes thing..." (because two weeks ago when I worked from home she made some excuse when I saw my DD not being changed) So I thought, how nice...until I got upstairs and noticed in her laundry basket there wasn't an additional outfit in the hamper since yesterday, which sent me into a spin. First of all, she didn't change her at nap time and second...MY DAUGHTER WAS IN THE PARK WEARING HER PAJAMAS? Really? The girl has more clothes than my husband and I combined and a plethora of weather appropriate outfits for this fall day. I had thought maybe she wore pjs out to the park once before, but this confirmed it for me.

So as I write this I wonder, how do I find my voice to confront my, otherwise lovely nanny, and why am I such a wimp. I am the mother and her boss, and I have every right to set the ground rules, so why do I feel like I have to let my nanny make the calls? And why...and this really irks me, does my husband always stick up for Ann and try to make these "issues" my own pet peeves and "non-issues." While I recognize you need a voice of reason, is it really unreasonable of me to ask that she do all parts of her job all of the time, not some of the time, or when she remembers?

Do other mom's with childcare have similar issues? Hopefully, those with in home care, don't think I'm I'm some sort of thankless b*tch...This mama needs suggestions on how to find her voice, please help!

Guilt the Bag I Carry Everywhere

Guilt, the bag I carry everywhere.

When I was a little girl my mother would inevitably say, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" At various points in time the responses and dreams varied- Rockette (never hit the height minimum), chef (was discouraged by family because they worked nights and weekends), fashion designer (my ability to color inside the lines was a challenge), architect (despite long interest and success in math, I didn't think I had what it took)...you get the picture, I wanted to be a lot of things. At some point, my decision making at a ripe old age of ...17...deemed business would be the route I go.

So off to college I went, in pursuit of a degree and gainful employment that I hoped provided me enough money to live in New York City and to one day "be the boss...."

What does this have to do with being a new mom you might be asking yourself, and frankly, I'm not entirely sure it does. But that's my problem.

My entire life, I imagine a career for myself, but also imagined being a full time mom. My own mother had been a part-time nurse, and I always thought it was a disadvantage (having grown up in a town where most mom's did stay home). I always assumed I'd be a burgeoning executive, and then without hesitation and with plenty of means, that would go to the side for 10-20 years while I raised my children.

But as you know, life doesn't always go as imagined. I did become the executive I'd always hoped, but had never imagined, but it wasn't so easy to just turn away.

Dump the Pump

Since December, I had an intensely personal and intimate relationship with my Medela Pump in Style double electric breast pump. After fourteen weeks of maternity leave, I returned to my job as an elementary special education teacher. Before returning to work, I promised myself and promised my baby I would try to breastfeed as long as possible. I hoped to nurse Baby C for a year. In order to make good on my promise, I had to pump at work. Every day, I lugged my Medela backpack to school, along with my teacher bag, lunch, and the ever essential travel mug of coffee.

Before I returned from maternity leave, my co-worker and fellow new mama arranged a private, secure place for us to pump during the school day. Our pumping space was not glamorous. We used a forgotten closet that housed a kiln and discarded, dust covered art supplies dating back to the mid-1980's. The floor was covered with dead spiders, dirt, and dust bunnies, but we had a make-shift table (the kiln), a plug, a cracked plastic chair, and a window overlooking the constructon site of our new school. Despite our closet's lack of aesthetic appeal and questionable cleanliness, it offered privacy and security. Access to the closet ensured I could pump each day and spend uninterrupted time focusing upon my baby, or staring out the window hoping the construction workers could not see my breasts.

Each school day, I mysteriously disappeared from my classroom for about fifteen minutes around 10:00. Sometimes I left students unattended, free to draw all over the tables, sniff glue, and search inappropriate websites. Sometimes the students asked, "What do you do on your break?" to which I replied, "I make pottery." I was in the kiln closet, after all. Some days I had to excuse myself mid-meeting for fear that my breasts would explode. I often had to humbly ask the male custodians to unlock my closet, or remove a stack of newly painted canvases from my cracked chair. Despite such embarrassing moments, I pumped twice a day, almost every day. I made good on my promise.

I know that I am lucky. As an elementary school teacher, I work almost exclusively with women, most of whom are mothers and had their own relationships with a breast pump. I have a boss who understands family comes first. Many of my working mama friends are not so lucky. One friend pumped in her office's only bathroom, much to the frustration of impatient co-workers waiting outside. Another friend pumped in her car, even during the winter. A third friend did not have time during her busy day to pump. All eventually gave up breastfeeding before they were ready.

Yesterday was my last day of school, my last visit to my pumping closet. As I closed the door for the last time, I bid goodbye to the dead spiders on the floor and thanked them for allowing me into their space. Last night, I stored my Medela in a closet and thanked her for the memories. I will not miss the daily cleaning of bottles and three thousand pump pieces. I will not miss the stress of making enough milk for baby. I will not miss my dirty closest. Sure, Medela and I will probably have an occasional fling here and there until I wean Baby C in August, but for the most part we are over. I am grateful Medela allowed me to exclusively breastfeed even while working full-time, but I am ready to move on. It is time dump the pump, at least until Baby Number Two comes along.

Back to Work: A Survival Guide

by Guest Blogger Mama RK

As I recently mentioned to a few of my fellow new mom friends (and had been said to me before returning to work), often the anticipation of going back to work and leaving your baby is in many ways the hardest part of going back. It is certainly not the only hard part, but the idea of separating yourself from your baby—who you have to this point rarely been separated from—is hard. No matter what your situation, you can't imagine how either of you will survive the separation.

I am here to reassure you that you will both survive.

The first thing to know is that no matter who will be caring for your little munchkin, they will not replace you. Your baby will always prefer and love mama more than anyone else in the entire world. He will squeal when you come home. He will coo and smile and stare at you in awe.... it is amazing. So even if you are away, he won't forget. And generally, your baby will also adjust to your childcare provider—demonstrating excitement and ease when you transfer care and understanding the different roles you each play. It is amazing how a little person can adapt and understand this—sometimes even better than mom!

As you chose your child care, it can seem overwhelming. Everyone has an opinion (yes, this seems to be the common thread through all things of being a new mom!). You and your partner just have to trust your gut. Do what is right for you and your family. And do other mamas a favor; hold your judgment on how, where or why other families do other things. Choosing a child care provider is intensely personal, and chances are every person has their own doubts or reservations about the situation they have decided upon. There is no perfect situation.

As the big day gets closer…the impending d-day when you leave your baby for the first time to return to work, I have compiled a rant to help you through.

Part I: Allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself. Talk it out with your friends, your family, yourself (you can talk out loud to your baby). Get a manicure, a hair cut, a new outfit. Treat yourself to uninterrupted days with your baby, just enjoying each other. Layer it on thick for extra special attention from your family and friends who are able and willing to help you mentally and physically prepare for getting back out there. When you go back to work (to an office full of babies, if yours is anything like mine) you will likely be welcomed back like a hero. Bask in it. You will hear all the awful things that happened and didn’t happen while you were away, you will see how much everything is the same…nothing has changed. During your heroes welcome, you will also likely receive many praises about how skinny you look! Enjoy this too…don’t focus too much on the fact that the last time people saw you, you were probably the largest you’ve ever been in your life, so naturally you them you look skinny. Hey, and maybe you do look great, enjoy the compliments. Also, enjoy the slack people will initially grant you as a new mom. Have to leave early, no problem. Need to break away to pump, no problem. This doesn’t last too long, so enjoy it while it lasts—you’ve earned it.

Part II: Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Put your situation in perspective. According to the last census, 55% of mothers work out of the home, you are not the first, you will not be the last. Of these moms, many are returning to much more physically demanding jobs, possibly much sooner than you, and many to much less financial rewarding or mentally fulfilling.

Sure, sure, we all know someone who had a year off. Or who’s boss suggested they downgrade their hours, but keep their pay and benefits the same…but that is an urban legend. Keep focused on how lucky you were for all of the days you did have, and how fortunate you were.

When you start to cry, leaving your little baby, imagine this: there is a woman somewhere in the world that on this very same day is leaving their child in much less desirable circumstances than you, to a much more difficult and less fulfilling position. You are not alone.

Part III: Back to work. Your job is to do a good job. Good enough that no one notices or cares that you leave when you need to leave. Again, ease your way back (suggestion: do not return on a Monday). Let yourself go home early more often at the beginning. If it is slower, leave. If other people are out, leave. Do your job. And if make sure when you are not with your baby you are killing it--no one will say a word. But you have to set your expectations for everyone. No one will say, "oh don't schedule this meeting at 530 b/c YOU want to go home..." they will try to schedule it. But unless it is your Boss or someone super-senior to you, try to work around it. Don’t bother to say you want to see your baby... you can just say you can't do that time. do it enough, and people will get the drift. I make a point of getting in 30-45 mins earlier than I use to--sometimes even earlier b/c I know that I want to squeeze in as much as possible earlier than later. To miss bed time kills me. You just have to own your own time. Depending upon your industry, working late may have to happen periodically, but hopefully in a different way. For me, I walk out btw 5-530, and then if I am really busy, after I put my daughter to bed, I get back on my blackberry or computer until all the world is quiet. As much as your manager will allow, do what you can on your own schedule. You alone are the guardian of that schedule, guard your time as much as you can so that when truly urgent matters come up, you will feel okay about not being there for your baby.

I’m not going to say that now that my child is a year that it is easy, or that I have it down. In fact, I feel like a mess all day, every day. I haven’t figured out when I can exercise, cooking is something I can only manage 3 work days a week, I feel like an older, uglier and more irritated version of my former self most of the time, and I want to figure out how to be the mom that has it together. But my daughter is amazing, and for each kiss from her or new word I hear; I would be this yuckier version of myself indefinitely if it meant she would be safe and happy always.

I haven't met any moms who think any of this balancing is easy. Moms who stay home have different, also very difficult challenges. And every mom has guilt of some sort; I think it is the unwritten rule of motherhood. But the other unwritten rule is that everything your child does will be a million times more rewarding than anything else you have ever experienced, even if it is at 2 a.m. and you haven’t slept for more than 2 hours in a row for a week.