My Very Honest Resume

It's something everyone has been asked when they were little, and something I have asked both my kids on numerous occasions. No, not "did you flush the potty after you pooped?" I am talking about "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

When I was around 5 years old, I wanted to be a singer and an actress. A few years later it was all about marine biology after I saw Stark Trek 4 - the one when they return to earth to save the whales, also known as the best one of course (Kahn, Shmahn). Then I discovered my love of drawing fashion and designing clothes (on paper). When I got into dance more seriously I wanted to be a professional dancer, and then after taking an advanced Bio class in high school I thought, for a hot second, that I wanted to be a doctor. 

Modeling some of my jewels...
oh to look like I did back in 2007. Damn you kids!! I blame you!

I went to college and didn't declare a major until junior year. I was in the business school, which I had no business being in (yuck yuck) in the first place, and decided on the most creative of the majors - marketing. I was an idiot. I didn't want to work in marketing when I graduated, but that is where I ended up, and that is the field I worked in my entire (all 5 years of it) professional life. During that time in the corporate world I had a side business of designing jewelry, and I loved it. I loved working with my hands, I loved making "bead magic" as I would call it when I made something of which I was truly proud. And when I saw how much other people loved my designs, and how much they were willing to pay for them, I quit my desk job and did the jewelry thing full time.

And then kids came. 

I have been lucky enough to be a stay at home mom for the past 6.5 years, and wouldn't change that for the world. I love being a mom. I love being CEO of our family (hubs is CFO fo sho) and taking care of my girls and my husband. It's my jam.

But along with all my family CEO duties, I need to have a creative outlet or I will go bonkers. I need to use my hands, to get crafty, to create. I need to draw, or paint, or take photos, or make movies, make dolls, or bake and decorate cakes or arrange flowers...I need to have my creative juices flowing and pumping and get my hands dirty.

Cake I made for Val's 3rd birthday last year.
Looks better than it tasted!

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my path in life, reason being in the past few months a handful of my stay at home mom friends have either gone back to some sort of work (be it full or part time) or are planning to go back to work in the near future. I had a conversation with one of these women the other day and she asked me, "would you ever consider going back to work?" And I didn't really know how to answer that. I never ever ever want to be sitting in an office behind a desk again - that isn't me. Would I want to make jewelry again? Maybe, but I don't get the butterflies that I used to when I think about creating jewelry. What would I do? Sell some of my crafts? Open an Etsy store to sell my dolls and drawings? Perhaps. Start a cake baking business out of our kitchen? Who knows. 

All of these thoughts got me started thinking about my resume. I haven't had an actual resume for 11 years, but if I had to put an honest one together, here is how it would go (oh and imagine it on some sort of amazing hand made paper, and my name would be vertically printed down the side in some artsy font...because I am an asshole):  

Job History

1990s - random babysitting jobs that I hated, but my parents made me take. I did not like kids. 

1997-98 - The Gap - only took this job because I had a psycho controlling boyfriend who didn't want me to go out with my friends on the weekends and have fun, so I opted to take a job instead of continuing to make excuses not to go out with them. Every penny I made went back into Gap, dinners at the Cheesecake Factory next-door to Gap or to cab rides home. 

1998 (summer) - Camp counselor. I liked kids by this point, and I especially liked hot male counselor that I got to ogle all summer long (psycho boyfriend still in picture unfortunately).

1998 (fall) - Walt Disney World College Program - I worked on Main Street in the Magic Kingdom. I wore a batshit crazy old-timey costume and got paid about $4 a hour, but it was the best job of my life. Still friends with the nut jobs that I worked with, and owe them more than they know as they helped me get up the courage to break up with psycho boyfriend and really begin my life!

1999 (summer) - unpaid internship at party planning company. Only thing I remember about this is dying my hair school bus yellow before a party we threw in Newport and being yelled at by boss.

2000 - Sales associate at the Boston Red Sox. I got paid about $6 an hour, but had the best summer/fall of my life. Oh and I met my hot husband at this job, and the rest as they say, is history. 

2000 - I take the worst job of my life, which required me to be at work at 5 AM (not ideal for a 22 year old who liked to go out all the time) sit at a desk in a hotel lobby and pressure people into taking a tour of a timeshare. This job lasted two months. 

2001- I take the second worst job of my life, which required me to sit at a desk at a staffing agency and lie to people on the phone about my company having jobs they were perfect for, and then scheduling these poor desperate souls to come in for interviews...and yes there were a handful of people who screamed at me for lying to them on the phone. 

2002 - I take a marketing job at a large marekting/advertising agency. I work in client services. I love the people I work with, but hate the work I am doing. I am desperate for something creative. Why did I major in Marketing???

2005 - After many successful jewelry shows, I quit my job for jerks and go out on the road full time selling my jewelry. I am not only designing my jewelry but marketing it to stores (I got into Bloomingdales), showing it at jewelry shows, creating all my marketing materials (business cards, tags, bags, postcards, etc.) as well as maintaining my website and managing all of my inventory and finances. Oh wait, maybe college degree did come in handy? 

2009 - Present. Mom aka CEO of household, cook, housekeeper, doer of laundry, chauffeur, teacher, to name a few of my daily hats I wear. The most important job I have ever had, and honestly the best - although sometimes I close my eyes when my kids are screaming at me and picture myself back in the Magic Kingdom, late at night when it was empty and I was standing in the middle of Main Street looking at the castle, all by myself like I was in a dream...that was a good job...but I love my kids...I love my kids. 

Skills

- perfect spiral thrower

- pinning things to Pinterest

- dance party starter, dance-off challenger, and overall very sweaty dancer

- doing voices - especially anything voiced by Frank Oz, as they all pretty much sound the same

- advanced intermediate piano player, including composing little ditties with good chord progression

- drawing bodies and clothing, but don't ask me to draw a face...ever

- decorating cakes - they might not taste great but damn will they look awesome on the outside

- arranging flowers

- party and play date planning - yes, there are wine and cheese at both when they are at my house

- felt flower and doll making

- recipe reading and interpreting (aka cooking from a recipe)

- Instagram posting

- lifestyle photography and videography - specializing in photos of my kids and their friends

- editing said photos and videos into short movies, scored by previously mentioned piano compositions

- binge watching television shows on my computer

- checking One Kings Lane, Joss & Main and Rue La La on a daily basis for furniture and decor for my house, but never actually buying anything - just pinning...I am good at that

- shopping for clothes for my kids - I may look like a bearded man who hasn't showered in three days, but kids have to look on point

- stealthily listening to my favorite podcast, Watch What Crappens, using my bluetooth headphones, while I am doing dishes or making dinner or "playing" with my kids. If you love the Housewives you need to listen to Ronnie and Ben dahlings!

- picking at my pores in my magnifying mirror and debating whether or not to get Botox in my crease between my eyes. The answer is no...for now. 

- sculpting of people and food out of Play Doh - but not letting my children touch them

- building castles out of legos

Yeah, so...what am I actually qualified to do? Be a mom and a great wife. A creative, crafty mom. Who might open up an Etsy store and sell some of the things she has made over the past few months. That is, after I watch all of Kimmy Schmidt, finish pinning things to Pinterest, shop for some more clothes for my kids, plan my next dinner party...pretty much just do what I do on a daily basis, and how lucky does that make me? 

What else have I learned from this exercise? That when my girls are ready for college they should actually study what they are interested in! Not waste their time learning about something they think they should do, but actually devote their time, and our money, to studying something they are passionate about. Damn college is wasted on the young...but that is an entirely different post for another time!

Cheers. 

My Not-So-Real Housewives Rant

My Real Housewives tag line:
"I used to be the Lady of the dance floor, but now I am Queen of boogers and poop."

I have watched every single episode that has ever aired of every single Real Housewives franchise.

Phew. Felt good to get that off my chest. (Queue husband shivering in disgust.)

I have been watching since Lori was working as a receptionist at Vicki's company back in the first season of OC. I remember Nene as a brunette. I also remember Bethenny living in a tiny one bedroom apartment and dating some bald dude named Jason (not Hoppy). I even suffered through the madness that was RH of DC - and secretly wish they brought that franchise back because those ladies were highly entertaining (who doesn't like a White House party scandal!)

I could resist this photo of RHoA season 1. Yikes!

I used to really enjoy watching each season. The characters were so much more normal than they are now. Sure they went to extravagant parties, but that wasn't the focus of every episode. You saw their every day lives, and their struggle to raise normal kids, or to seriously find love. It was entertaining, and unlike anything else on television.

Of course, I still watch today, but I don't enjoy it. I actually loathe the show, and everyone on each franchise. My husband says this to me all the time, "how can you watch something when you hate everyone on it? It doesn't make sense!?" It doesn't make sense! But I cannot miss an episode for some reason! I need to see what insane hi-jinx these nut jobs with weaves get up to each week.

The shows have gotten seriously ridiculous. They are so set-up and scripted these days they are like a completely different show from the first seasons. Each week they set up the ladies (and now the husbands/boyfriends play a big part) in some ridiculous scenario and tell someone to bring up some bit of juicy gossip that will ignite a huge fight between the cast mates, which lately sometimes even comes to blows. It is a train wreck.

Each season the ladies get more plastic surgery, looking more and more like middle aged Barbie dolls who can't close their eyes. They all now drive Range Rovers - have you noticed that? They all wear so much make-up - what is it with the fake eyelashes??? Why do they all have to wear them every moment of each day? Do people in real life do that? Not in Boston, that is for sure.

When does a reality show stop being a reality show? When you are paying the cast mates up to $1 million per season. It was just released that Nene Leaks (Bloop! I still love her!) is the highest paid housewife, raking in one million per season. Teresa Giudice (the most painful to watch I think) comes in at second making $650k a year!

Hey Bravo, how about this for a show - you actually show what a REAL housewife does during the day! For instance, I am on my second load of deep-sanitizing laundry because my dog won't stop peeing on our beds! I took my daughter to school this morning while wearing sweatpants, crazy hair and yesterday's mascara. I just flushed some tiny poops that were in my daughter's diaper down the toilet, but when I opened the diaper over the toilet one poop went rogue and bounced off the seat onto the floor. Now that's television!!! It may not make for great television but it is what REAL housewives do.

Nothing about the show is real anymore. Women don't fight like that in real life. Women don't really fight! I have gotten in one fight with a friend in my entire life, and an hour later we were hugging and crying over how ridiculous it was, and we never fought again. I guess that is why my life would make terrible television.

Here is a question for you - if you have a sketchy past or have done anything illegal in your life, why on earth would you go on a reality television show? There is no way you are going to be able to hide anything now that your life is an open book! It is just sad how all of these cast member's skeletons are coming out of their closets now.

And what is even sadder is to watch marriages implode every season (PS. I called it from day one that Bethenney and Jason Hoppy were never going to make it as well as Ramona and her husband - next up to divorce are Phaedra and Apollo - you heard it here first!) Vicki and Don. The Countess and the Count. Nene and Gregg (only to be remarried in a later season). Adrienne and Paul. Porsha and Kordell (everyone saw that coming!) Frasier and Camille!

I could go on...I could talk about the ridiculous attempts at singing careers made (Kim Zolciak is still the worst, with Gretchen Rossi a close second - never mind they are tied for first - who told them they could sing?), the silly attempts at launching their own product lines (Gretchen Rossi again here - holy hideous bags, and Lynn with those insane cuff bracelets) and all of the cast members who are now bankrupt, but I must go watch last night's RH of Bev Hills because I need to see what the crazy pants Carlton is upset about now. Actually I shouldn't bring up her name because she might cast a spell on me!