Some day you might hate me...

To my dear sweet baby girls,

It is late October of 2013. The leaves have almost all fallen off the trees, the wind has a chill to it and Mama has been drinking some pumpkin spice lattes (my weekly treat - so not paleo friendly) - we are in the thick of Fall.

Marlo, you will be 4 in less than 2 months, and Val you are just 14 months old. I wish I could freeze you forever at these ages. You are both damn near perfect in my eyes. Sure there are fits being thrown, and lots of drama, and we are still a little sleep deprived, but your Dad and I couldn't be happier being your parents. You bring us so much joy on a daily basis, and you might not believe it now that you are grown up enough to read this, but you both think we are the greatest humans on the planet.

Last night I read you both books before bed, as Daddy was working late. Val you snuggled up in my arms and giggled along to this silly book you love about a witch throwing a party for the neighborhood kids. Before bed you gave me one of your adorable hugs and open-mouthed kisses and said "Mama" as I left the room. And Marlo as I was tucking you in after your 3 nightly books you threw your arms around my neck and said "I can't leave you Mama! Please lay in bed with me! I don't want you to go!" I laid down with you and you proceeded to give me kisses all over my face and tell me how much you love me.

No, I am not making this up to make you feel badly right now, this is just how it is. We live in a house of hugs and kisses and non-stop love towards you girls right now and we are thankfully each day for our blessed life.

So why am I writing this? I know it won't always be like this.

Time is flying by at an unbelievably fast speed. Before I know it you will be bigger and more independent. You won't want me to be around you 24/7 like I am now. You will want to start doing things for yourself. I apologize ahead of time, because that will take me a long time to get used to.

I know that in a few years I won't be the end all be all for you. And honestly it breaks my heart a little.

I was your age once. I grew apart from my mother as I grew so close with friends and was so busy with school and other activities. I saw my mom in the morning before school and for dinner after school, but mainly retreated to my room to do homework, or talk to friends on the phone for most of the night. I didn't want my mom in my room. I didn't want my mom driving me places either.

I got mad at my mom, just like you are going to get mad at me. When I take away your iPad30 so you can't hologram message with your boyfriend anymore, you are going to hate me. When I tell you you can't take out the Hover Car past 10 PM, you are going to hate me (yeah that's right, in 12 years we are going to drive flying cars - get on it Toyota!!). When I try to talk to you about your boyfriend, who I think isn't good enough for you, and whom you deep down know isn't good for you but you would never admit it - and me talking to you makes you "love" him even more - you will probably hate me even more.

I am going to do a lot of things to make you mad, even feel like you hate me, but I am doing them for your own good. You won't realize it now, you won't even realize it in a few years. It won't be until you become a parent yourself that you realize that all the terrible things I did to you (your words, not mine) were out of nothing but true love.

I look at your little faces now and can't imagine you both not loving getting your bellies tickled, or being carried up the stairs, or not love having stories read to you at night...but I know that day will come.

And when that day comes, cut your parents some slack when we ask for kisses or hugs (which you will think are gross). Try to remember that not too long ago you thought your Dad and I were the bees knees (yeah I don't understand that saying either.) I am sure now you just want us to get out of your sight, but remember that there was a time that when all you wanted to do was be held in our arms.

It is that feeling of being unconditionally loved and being needed by something so precious that makes being a parent the best experience. Remember we will always be there for you and your sister, whether you really want us to or not. And remember I know that you might say you hate me, but I know they are just words, as I said them to my mother when I was your age in a fit of rage and never really meant it. Of course your Grandma would then fire back with something like "that's fine, I am going to trade you in for a new daughter anyway." That always led me to believe there was some mystical place where you could bring your children and have an exact replica of them made, except they were like a new model and were nothing but nice - like Electric Grandmother (anyone remember that movie?)

I love you two girls with every inch of my being, and can't wait to see what kind of women you turn out to be. I will always remember your loving smiles at this current age, and for now will take advantage of kissing you as many times as I possibly can. If only I could bank those kisses for a later date when you don't want anything to do with me because I can't stop singing along to the music in the car in front of your friends. Oh wait until they see my car dancing moves....

...oh, they already have? And that is why you hate me today? Want to go live with your grandparents for a few years?

A Letter to New Mom Kim Kardashian

Dear Kim,
Congratulations on the recent birth of your baby girl! There is no feeling like that of becoming a mother for the first time. I hope that you are basking in the glory that is that little ball of love you gave birth to.

I must first say that I do not know you, or watch your television shows, but I do follow everything pop-culture, so I know a lot about you. It is hard to not know about you and your family, as you are everywhere...and I have no idea why. Here are the things I know about you:
- you are famous because your made a sex tape with a D-list R&B artist
- your father was one of OJ's attorneys
- your mother has pimped you out to every magazine and media outlet, and in turn made you into some freakish new breed of a talentless celebrity
- during your pregnancy you refused to embrace the fact that you were pregnant and actually wear maternity clothes
- you lied about your due date so that you could lose weight for your People Magazine shoot with your new baby, which I am sure you will be making millions from.

I wore this exact dress when I gave birth

I do not know what kind of mother you will be. For your child's sake I hope that you will put yourself and your needs aside and put the welfare of your child first and foremost. For all I know you will be a fantastic mother, and your child will grow up to be an amazing adult...one can hope...but that isn't the point of this letter.

I write to you, as a fellow mother of girls, because I feel for your child.

I grew up with a father who was a famous athlete. I guess you could say he is still famous, but back in the day he was the A Rod of his time (without all the performance enhancing brouhaha). Being an athlete back in the 70s and 80s was very different than it is now. Athletes today are super celebrities, largely due to the media, and the ridiculous amount of money they get paid...to play a game.

My father was the best at his sport for a long period of time, and therefore very well known. Growing up with someone like this (who has 1/10th of the fame you have) had it's ups and it's downs, as you can imagine. We got to travel first class all over the world and meet incredible people, including a President. My dad would have large chunks of the year off, and didn't work normal hours like most other dads I knew. I got to use his name to get a few things in life...including a night at a bar with Matt Damon.

On the other hand he wasn't around for a lot of my childhood, and missed a lot of special events. He couldn't go out in public without being hounded for autographs. We couldn't go out to dinner without someone interrupting our family time and asking him to sign something, or to take a photo. We got a lot of crank phone calls and had to change our home number many times. People would stop at the end of our driveway and take photos of our house - while my brother and I were riding in the driveway on our big wheels screaming "leave us alone!"

I loved being able to say I was "so and sos" daughter, but it drove me crazy that we couldn't go anywhere without being bothered (during the height of his fame). I hated that most people looked at me as "so and sos" daughter, and sometimes only wanted to be friends with me because of who my father was.

I cannot, for the life of me, fathom how it will be for your child. Will you let your mom pimp her out to the media? Will you let a stranger raise her? Will you subject her to your ridiculous lifestyle? Will you miss most of her childhood because you would rather attend Hollywood events? Will she forever live in the shadow of your fame?

Here is my advice to you at this moment: embrace being a mother. Stay at home with your baby for the foreseeable future. Don't hire a nanny to take care of your baby right away. Put that baby to your boob and hold her close for as long as you can. Hide her from the paparazzi. Hide her from the media. Don't tweet photos about her, don't sell photos of her to magazines (too late for this of course). Don't dress her in ridiculously expensive, uncomfortable clothes - put zip up pajamas on that kid and be normal.

Embrace your body too! You just had a baby for crying out loud, but I am sure you will be photographed in some ridiculously tight designer outfit in two days. Stay in your pajamas, and keep off the false eyelashes. Let other people make you food, and clean your house (wait, I forgot who I was talking to), but you be in charge of the baby. Enjoy this time that you have with your little lump of goodness. Before you know it she will be running around the house in your (very) high heels.

In the years to come: don't pass up your daughter's recitals for photo shoots, or a celebrity's party. Your child will never forget that you did that (no my dad never did this, but he did miss a lot due to games.) Put your daughter first and foremost. Take a page out of Tina Fey's book (and read it ASAP if you haven't already as it is brilliant) and try your best to keep your daughter's life normal by keeping her out of the limelight and away from all cameras.

And for the love of God don't leave her alone with your mother. She will have that baby on it's own reality tv show before she can even hold her own head up.

I wish you all the best, and hope you are getting some sleep...in your mansion, with your servants and probably multiple night nannies.

Best,
Mama J