Tuesday, June 18, 2013

A Letter to New Mom Kim Kardashian

Dear Kim,
Congratulations on the recent birth of your baby girl! There is no feeling like that of becoming a mother for the first time. I hope that you are basking in the glory that is that little ball of love you gave birth to.

I must first say that I do not know you, or watch your television shows, but I do follow everything pop-culture, so I know a lot about you. It is hard to not know about you and your family, as you are everywhere...and I have no idea why. Here are the things I know about you:
- you are famous because your made a sex tape with a D-list R&B artist
- your father was one of OJ's attorneys
- your mother has pimped you out to every magazine and media outlet, and in turn made you into some freakish new breed of a talentless celebrity
- during your pregnancy you refused to embrace the fact that you were pregnant and actually wear maternity clothes
- you lied about your due date so that you could lose weight for your People Magazine shoot with your new baby, which I am sure you will be making millions from.
I wore this exact dress when I gave birth

I do not know what kind of mother you will be. For your child's sake I hope that you will put yourself and your needs aside and put the welfare of your child first and foremost. For all I know you will be a fantastic mother, and your child will grow up to be an amazing adult...one can hope...but that isn't the point of this letter.

I write to you, as a fellow mother of girls, because I feel for your child.

I grew up with a father who was a famous athlete. I guess you could say he is still famous, but back in the day he was the A Rod of his time (without all the performance enhancing brouhaha). Being an athlete back in the 70s and 80s was very different than it is now. Athletes today are super celebrities, largely due to the media, and the ridiculous amount of money they get paid...to play a game.

My father was the best at his sport for a long period of time, and therefore very well known. Growing up with someone like this (who has 1/10th of the fame you have) had it's ups and it's downs, as you can imagine. We got to travel first class all over the world and meet incredible people, including a President. My dad would have large chunks of the year off, and didn't work normal hours like most other dads I knew. I got to use his name to get a few things in life...including a night at a bar with Matt Damon.

On the other hand he wasn't around for a lot of my childhood, and missed a lot of special events. He couldn't go out in public without being hounded for autographs. We couldn't go out to dinner without someone interrupting our family time and asking him to sign something, or to take a photo. We got a lot of crank phone calls and had to change our home number many times. People would stop at the end of our driveway and take photos of our house - while my brother and I were riding in the driveway on our big wheels screaming "leave us alone!"

I loved being able to say I was "so and sos" daughter, but it drove me crazy that we couldn't go anywhere without being bothered (during the height of his fame). I hated that most people looked at me as "so and sos" daughter, and sometimes only wanted to be friends with me because of who my father was.

I cannot, for the life of me, fathom how it will be for your child. Will you let your mom pimp her out to the media? Will you let a stranger raise her? Will you subject her to your ridiculous lifestyle? Will you miss most of her childhood because you would rather attend Hollywood events? Will she forever live in the shadow of your fame?

Here is my advice to you at this moment: embrace being a mother. Stay at home with your baby for the foreseeable future. Don't hire a nanny to take care of your baby right away. Put that baby to your boob and hold her close for as long as you can. Hide her from the paparazzi. Hide her from the media. Don't tweet photos about her, don't sell photos of her to magazines (too late for this of course). Don't dress her in ridiculously expensive, uncomfortable clothes - put zip up pajamas on that kid and be normal.

Embrace your body too! You just had a baby for crying out loud, but I am sure you will be photographed in some ridiculously tight designer outfit in two days. Stay in your pajamas, and keep off the false eyelashes. Let other people make you food, and clean your house (wait, I forgot who I was talking to), but you be in charge of the baby. Enjoy this time that you have with your little lump of goodness. Before you know it she will be running around the house in your (very) high heels.

In the years to come: don't pass up your daughter's recitals for photo shoots, or a celebrity's party. Your child will never forget that you did that (no my dad never did this, but he did miss a lot due to games.) Put your daughter first and foremost. Take a page out of Tina Fey's book (and read it ASAP if you haven't already as it is brilliant) and try your best to keep your daughter's life normal by keeping her out of the limelight and away from all cameras.

And for the love of God don't leave her alone with your mother. She will have that baby on it's own reality tv show before she can even hold her own head up.

I wish you all the best, and hope you are getting some sleep...in your mansion, with your servants and probably multiple night nannies.

Mama J


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