That Just Happened: Class Trip to the Zoo

Doing her best
Debbie Downer impersonation.
Whaaaa whoooooaah!

"That just happened!" is a quote from one of Will Ferrell's movies (I think Talladaga Nights) that my husband and I use on a weekly basis. When something crazy happens and you can't believe what just happened...that just happened! When something goes the total opposite way than you thought it would...that just happened! When something so ridiculous happens that you definitely have to be on some sort of hidden camera show...that just happened!

See this face on M? That about sums up our morning...

Today I accompanied M's entire pre-school to the Zoo. It sounded like a good idea to be a chaperone - I had our sitter booked to watch Val and I was looking forward to some quality time with M and her school friends. Well, to start the day off my sitter calls and says her car won't start and is waiting for AAA. I have to be at the zoo in 30 minutes and Val was still sleeping. I ran around the house like a mad woman, packing a diaper bag as Val would now be joining us at the zoo. I woke her from her nap (as any parent knows that is on par to waking the Kraken) put her and M straight in the car and threw the stroller and Ergo in the car. We got to the Zoo in record time and ran from the car just in time to meet up with her school as they were entering the gate. 9:45 AM and I had already sweat through my shirt. Awesome.

I didn't have time to stop at a bench and give Val a bottle, so I fed her in the stroller as we were walking around. I knew this was a bad idea to start, but I didn't have any other choice.

Queue the first of many breakdowns by M: don't hold my hand mom! I want to go home! I don't want to see the Zebras! I want to go to the playground! I don't like the Zoo!

And the reason for the breakdowns? She was up 4 times during the night, after not going to sleep until close to 10 PM, and then up for the day at 5:45. And to her credit I will say that whenever we do go to the zoo, we spend a large amount of time on the playground, not looking at the animals. This was the opposite of our usual trip.

So we have been there for about 30 minutes, and Val starts choking in her stroller - and then does her best Exorcist imitation and projectile vomits everywhere. And I mean everywhere - she is soaked, the stroller is covered, I caught it in my hand and then it dripped down my pants. And of course I have nothing to wipe it up with! So I take her pants off and use them, inside out, to wipe her off, and use one of the three wipes in my wipe container to wipe her face and hands off. To the bathroom we went...

...where on the changing table as I take her diaper off she decides to pee - everywhere. The changing table is covered in pee. I have two diapers with me - one I need to put on her, and the other I use to soak up the pee puddle. I use the second of my three wipes to wipe off her back and legs and then wet paper towels to clean up the mess further. I then go to change her into the one change of clothing I have, and guess what? The are soaked in pee.

So I dried off her onesie with paper towels, used the last wipe that I had to actually wipe her lady parts and put the last diaper I had on her. I put that onesie, still damp from pee, on her little body and strapped her to me in the Ergo. She was asleep in five seconds.

M continued to whine and say she wanted to leave - you know what? I didn't want to be their either - reaking of vomit in a sweat through shirt, when it is 80 degrees outside and humid as hell. So we ate our picnic lunches with the rest of the kids and then escaped to the car- with M in the Vista stroller (for which she is about 6 inches too tall) as she didn't want to walk and I couldn't carry her. I have never been so happy to be out of the Zoo.

That just happened.

The Tumultuous Threes

tu-mul-tu-ous (adj): making a loud, confused noise; uproarious; excited, confused, disorderly

Yup, that about sums it up.

Don't listen to what they tell you - the twos are a breeze. At least for us they were. Sure there were fits and times M wouldn't behave, but all-in-all the twos were pretty great. Don't get me wrong - the threes are pretty great too. In fact this is my favorite age so far as I feel like I now have a little partner in crime. M loves to help me do stuff, loves to hang out with me and we can actually have conversations now.

But recently M found her litte voice and started giving us a hard time. Gone are the days when we can just blame her crankiness on being overly tired. Now if she doesn't want to do what you tell her to do there is push back, there is screaming and boy, there is some drama.

Here is how it usually goes in our house:

M: Can I watch something on the big tv mom?
Mama: Not right now, let's go outside.
M: Can I watch something on the big tv mom? (this time much louder with a sprinkle of whine and some sort of stiff body action)
Mama: M, I said not now. It is a beautiful day, let's go outside and play. We can watch something later.
M: Can I watch something on the big tv now mom? (this time it is screamed and she is usually draped dramatically on the ottoman or standing on her little PB chair with her hands in fists)
Mama: M, I said No.
M: YOU CAN'T SAY NO MOM!! (this is her favorite thing to say now and boy does it drive me crazy)
Mama: Yes, I can say No. I am the boss. Let's go outside.
M: YOU CAN'T SAY NO MOM!! You can't make me go outside!
Mama: Yes, I can. Let's go outside (me pushing her towards the door to go out back)
M: You can't touch me mom! You can't touch me!
Mama: Yes, I can touch you. I am your Mom. I can touch you if I want to.
M: You can't tell me you can touch me Mom! You can't say you're my mom!
Mama: Fine you stay inside, but you aren't watching tv. (I then bring Val outside to swing on the swingset while M stays inside screaming that I can't do things...)
M (from the doorway - looking at us on the swingset): YOU CAN'T PUT VAL IN THE SWING MOM!"
Mama ignores M
M (from the doorway): You can't push Val on the swing mom!
Mama: Why don't you come swing with us, M?
M: You can't ask me to come swing mom! I want to come outside now...(of course this is in her cute sweet normal voice)
Mama: Ok! Come on out and join us!
M: You can't tell me to come join you! I want to stay here.
Mama: Then stay there
M:  You can't tell me to stay there Mom!

YADA YADA YADA...

This is a daily scene in our household now, and even when we are out and about. I will be holding her hand, walking through the grocery store and she will say all of the sudden "you can't hold my hand mom!" and I try my best to ignore this behavior because this is the last thing I want to deal with when I am out in public.

I have tried giving her a time out when she does this. I will put her in another room in a corner, tell her to stay there for a minute, or until she plans to be nice (because I call this behavior "not being nice to mommy") but that never works.

Then I have tried taking away one of her toys when she yells at me like this. I always put them high above the kitchen cabinets, so they are out of reach but she can still see them. I tell her when she is being nice again she can have them back. This of course leads her to come over and hug me and tell me "mom, you are my best friend. I will be nice now." What a little actress this one is!

My husbands method to dealing with this behavior is to distract M and make her laugh. This always works in the short term and makes her forget that she was even mad in the first place.

But how do I discourage this behavior in the first place? I know this is just a three year old being three, and she is expressing herself, but it drives me up a wall. I tend to start raising my voice and telling her over and over that in fact I CAN do whatever you are saying I CAN'T do - and I know this is the worst response I could probably have. Makes me seem like I am a three year old saying "i'm rubber you're glue..."

Oh 4...I hope you are friendly and fabulous!

And the Academy Award goes to....

Ain't nothing but a princess paaarty

I thought it fitting, with the Oscars next weekend, that I would write a post about an actress who is near and dear to my heart...and came into the world via my lady land. No, not Val (6 months now), but she will give any actress a run for their money in the blood curdling scream category (that should be a category!) It is the Divine Miss M that I speak of, who at 3 years and 2 months of age is a princess-dress-wearing, movie-quoting, singing, dancing, parent-directing little drama queen, if there ever was one! Most of the time I find it adorable that she wants to reenact (and I might add it must be done exactly like whatever movie we are portraying) scenes from movies, but there are certain times that I wish it wasn't her favorite hobby to quote movies...like the other day at Whole Foods...

Picture it...Whole Foods, Legacy Place. 2013. 

A mother and her two kids (one in a stroller, the older one  walking right next to mom) are leaving the kid play area and heading toward the door, when older child stops in her tracks and says at the top of her lungs:

"I AM NOT A CHILD!" (The Little Mermaid) 

The mother's face gets flush and she turns to the child, trying to ignore her screams of "I am not a child" and attempts to grab the child's hand to quickly escort her towards the door.

"NO, MOM! NO! NO, MOM! NO!" (Beauty and the Beast)

The people eating their lunches at the crowded tables look on as the child is basically dragged behind mother and quiet babe in the stroller.

"I'm the lost princess!! You are not my mother!" (Tangled)

And with that, the mother picks up her screaming child and bolts for the door before someone calls DSS.

And....scene. 

This is a common occurrence in our house, but this was the first instance where she "acted out" while in public. I am constantly being told that she is the lost princess, and that I am not really her mother (like Mother Goethel in the Tangled movie). She tells my husband "I am not a child!" all the time, and we always remind her "actually, yes you are." Her latest is to quote Chip from Beauty and the Beast every time we try to put her to bed "but, I'm not sleepy!"

My daughter has the memory of an elephant (right? An elephant has a good memory?) She can watch something once or twice and have the oddest things memorized. The way someone raised their hand. A noise that a background character makes. A facial expression that a character makes for an instant. I will watch her sometimes when she watches her movies and she will sit all snuggled up in her Pottery Barn chair with her eyes fixed on the screen and without even knowing it, she will move the way someone on screen moves, or mouth the words of a random line.

It isn't just with movies either. She remembers everything about books too - colors of random things on pages, fake names we made up for background characters in illustrations.

It is also in every day life too. She will remember what floor we parked on at the museum the last time (Red 3!) or the fact that she spilled juice on her pants on the airplane to Disney, and we had to wait until we could undo our seat belts to change her. Things we haven't talked about since they happened months ago she will say, "remember when we did X?" out of the blue - things that I never thought she would remember.

She has a uncanny ability to remember colors of people's clothing too. When we first met her physical therapist she was wearing a green shirt. And when she talks about Dr. Anne (as we call her) she will say "she was wearing a green shirt when I met her." Huh? I guess she was! Crazy.

We are on somewhat of a Rapunzel kick lately (we have the purple dress and the hair.) The other night while she and I were running around the kitchen singing one of the songs from the movie, she actually corrected me after I raised my arms at the wrong part of the song..."not yet mom! You're doing it wrong!"

This acting and crazy memory can also be a source of amusement in our house. The other day she blurted out (what we thought was) "she needs a doodie stop!" My husband and I asked her to repeat it, and she said again, "she needs a doodie stop!" M then went on to explain that Buzz Lightyear says that to Jessie in the Sunnyside Daycare movie (as we call Toy Story 3). We got it out of her that it is when Buzz was in Spanish mode, and while she was watching it on her iPad we kept saying "did he say it yet?..."

"No not yet mom. He is going to say it soon."

And then I hear from the back seat, "He said it!! He said it! She needs a doodie stop!"

Lo and behold, when Buzz is in Spanish mode, and they are in the dumpster near the end of the movie, he blurts out "Senorita! Senorita! Donde esta?" while trying to find Jessie.

"See mom! She needs a doodie stop!"

Man I love that kid.

To M Every Day Is Opposite Day

As we approach M's third birthday in December, I look back on this past year and can't help but say we have gotten off pretty easy as far as the "terrible twos" are concerned. Sure there was a fit here and there, and lots of drama (she likes to look at her reflection in any surface and pretend she is crying - I mean even door knobs for crying out loud), but over all we have been blessed with a pretty mild mannered, polite, cool kid. I have heard from other parents that it isn't actually two that is terrible, but the age of three when the horns come out. Slowly but surely I am starting to see a sublet change in M's behavior here and there that makes me think her next year of life is going to be a adventurous one.

Lately I feel like every day is opposite day in her little head....

Last night she was constantly banging her fork on the glass table during dinner so I say, "don't bang your fork on the table sweetie, you are hurting the table and that isn't nice."

In her head I imagine she heard "Bang that fork on the table - and bang it as loudly as you possibly can! Momma would love it if you put scratches in the table!"

Of course the behavior continued after I told her again to stop, in my serious parent voice this time.

And in her head this time she heard, "oh you want me to throw the fork at you? That sounds like fun! Let me bang it two more times before I chuck this silver fork at your face!"

And said fork came flying in my direction, which of course outraged my husband and turned him into mad daddy, which scares the junk out of M. This seems to be the only way to stop M from doing what we ask her repeatedly to stop doing though.

Don't hit mommy!

What, you want me to hit you? Harder this time? Maybe some scratching too?

Pick up your paper dolls before you get out the letters.

Oh you want me to make an even bigger mess? I will just pour these letters all over the ground and then walk through my paper dolls to make them go all over the place.

Let's go into your room to get ready for bed...

Oh so it is ok that I run down the hallway to your room and jump on your bed? Sweet!

No you cannot go outside, it is cold and dark out.

What was that? (As she backs out the sliding door in slow motion, while grinning at me from ear to ear) It is ok to go outside? Without shoes on? In my pajamas?

Don't run with food in your mouth. Chew, swallow and then you can run...

Oh so I should shove more food in my mouth and take off running at full speed without chewing? Gotcha!!

And so goes every day here in Mama J's household. I should start trying a little bit of reverse psychology on this kid!! I can't imagine what she is going to be like when she is a teenager. That is when we send her to live with her grandparents.