A Note to Parents of Kids Trying to Sell Things To Me

Parents,
If your kid plans to come to my house, in hopes of me purchasing candy, wrapping paper, a candle, or whatever item their school is making them sell, here are some tips that will make them more likely to make a sale:

1. Smile

Ding Dong! We want to make you fat!

2. Introduce yourself and tell me where you go to school.
3. Tell me why you are selling whatever you are selling.
4. Explain where the money is going.
5. Seem interested in what you are doing.
6. Say please and thank you.
7. If I am unable to purchase said item (because this mama rarely has cash on her), and ask that you come back at another time don't just walk away. Look me in the eye and say thank you or good night.
8. If I do purchase said item, seem grateful. And again, smile for crying out loud.

So far this year I have bought a candle, girl scout cookies and candy from our neighborhood children. None of them smiled. None of them were interested in what they were selling. None of them told me anything about what they were selling, where the money was going...yada yada yada. I was not impressed, but I did the neighborly thing and purchased whatever they were selling so I wasn't labeled as that "mean old woman who never has cash."

A teenage boy just came to my door and said the following (with a puss on his face)...

"Wanna buy chocolate for my football team?"

And when I told him I didn't have cash on me right now (the truth) and that maybe he could come back another day, he just turned and walked away and said "ok" under his breath.

Hence, this post.

Actually maybe I do want to be known as "the mean old woman who never has cash" and that way no one will ever ring my door and ask me to buy things, that most of the time just make me fat.

Bah Humbug.

Work At Home Mama

I had a typical weekday morning today: got the kids up and ready with my husband, started breakfast together, said bye to daddy with a send-off kiss to work. Fed my daughter breakfast while our son played “kitchen” and made us cupcakes and oatmeal.  Once our nanny arrived, my son had a meltdown about going to preschool—a combination of wanting to watch more Elmo on my iPhone, to play with mama at home, and still feeling under the weather.  After about 10 minutes of tears, somehow we recovered, and I hauled him in the stroller to preschool, dropped him off, rushed home to nurse my daughter and put her down for her nap, pumped the next feeding, changed into my work clothes, gave our nanny instructions for the morning, and left for a work meeting. All before 930am.

This has been roughly my routine give or take for the last six months, a combination of the day-to-day caring for our children while juggling work meetings and projects from home. I have it pretty good, the right combination for me of being present for my children while still maintaining the most stimulating parts of my career. Having our nanny really helps me to take time to work, and also gives me a break from full-time parenting. 

Once someone told me, "You are so lucky that your career allows you to be able to work part-time." Well, it isn't always easy, nor was it simply luck.  Perhaps not all careers are amenable to part-time, but neither was mine initially. I carefully chose parts of my career that could translate to part-time, and put other parts on hold for now.  My husband and I discussed our family priorities and did some prudent financial planning; I negotiated my work terms with my boss. And when I sit down to work every day, I work hard.  What I do feel is gratitude that I can make this arrangement work for our family.

I jokingly said to someone recently that I was a “Work At Home Mom” without really thinking about it. In my usual three-steps behind fashion, I later googled the term out of curiosity, and found a whole WAHM community out there.  There was even a Wikipedia entry about it, and a magazine for WAHM.

Then I started thinking more about the idea of work, and realized, doesn’t this term miss the point?  Don’t all parents, all mamas work?  Those “SAHM,” they are working in the home. And those “Work Outside The Home” moms are also working in the home too. However joyful parenting is, let’s just lay it out there: it is also work. Hard work.  So really, aren’t we all WAHM?  But more importantly, don’t these designations miss the point?  Don’t they instead aid to heighten the “mommy wars” among those who have decided to spend their time differently, either inside or outside the home? 

There is so much judgment about motherhood these days.  What is best for your kids?  For you to stay at home? To work outside the home part-time? Full-time?  I have heard an earful from all sides in my relatively short time as a mama.  Oh the pressure, and oh, the guilt.  And it irritates me to hear the pointed, back-stabbing comments women make about each other’s choices.  

Shouldn't we be instead supportive of our fellow mothers, each forging their own paths to modern motherhood?  Sure, we each have our opinions about what is best—but the key here is, what is best for ourselves, and best for our individual families.  A very close friend of mine asked me the other day if I felt I had gotten it “right” somehow.  I told her I thought that, more than the nitty-gritty details of what I do on a given day, what I had “right” in my life was the freedom to choose those details.  Plenty of parents don’t have that choice, for a myriad of reasons.  

For me, having a choice--well, that is luxury. Because I truly believe that for our family, what works is having a contented mama. That ultimately translates into a contented family.

Playground Etiquette

Related to the topic below, we've had a few incidents at local playgrounds lately that I'm not sure how to handle.  My husband and I have been discussing it, but input from others would be great.  We currently go to playgrounds daily, sometimes twice a day if it's a cool day.  A few times Sam has been pushed out of the way by an older child who wants to play with the same toy.  Usually the caretaker swoops in and deals with the situation appropriately, but on occasion mom is busy talking, watching a sibling, or no where in sight.

Last week we were in a busy Davis Square playground with our stroller parked next to a picnic bench while Sam took a water break.  A little boy who looked like he was about three came by and stroller-jacked our stroller.  His mom happened to be sitting at the table.  At first he just did circles and I let it go since we were right there.  Then he started to walk away with it, with my diaper bag, phones, keys, etc, in it.  Sam started to get upset reaching for it and I was waiting for mom to ask him to stop.  She carried on her conversation ignoring the situation.  I asked him politely to return with it, he kept going.  I put Sam down and went over to him and asked him again.  By now he was far enough away that I had was not comfortable with him going any further, or with leaving Sam.  Mom continued talking and Sam is now about to cry, the kid is breaking into a run.  Finally I reached out took the stroller back and told him it was not his.  He stomped his feet at me, said something unintelligible and ran off.

Yesterday at another playground, two little boys from the same family physically moved Sam to get into Little Tike cars that he was using.  One slid in behind him, pushing him, as he was climbing into it.  Mom was on her cell phone turned away.  The first time I told the older brother that Sam had been using it and he had to wait his turn.  He looked at me, said, "no," and took off.  The second time Sam started wailing and the little boy also took off in it.  Other moms and dads saw the situation, but not cell-phone mom.  My husband told me I should have taken the boy out of the car, and explained it was not his turn, which I do not feel comfortable doing.  I'm trying to decide how I would feel if an adult removed Sam from something?

I'm a teacher, I deal with behavior all day long.  I give consequences, sort out what is "fair," and give positive reinforcement.  I try to do the same with my son.  After these things happen, I explain to Sam that the other children are not doing the right thing, but all he knows is they have what he was playing with and wanted.

I know at some point (soon as he is starting group daycare in a few weeks), he will come across this a lot more and for the rest of his life.  Meanwhile, how do I deal with non-observant parents and children who aren't behaving?

Limit Setting - with the Moms!

So my neighbor, we'll call her "Mimi," related a story of a playdate she had recently: Two or three other moms were over with their 3-year-olds. One, "Luke," became interested in a set of toy soldiers that Mimi had been keeping together in the box until her own 3-year-old was old enough to play with them properly.

Luke wanted to open the box, so Mimi opened the box against her better judgement. Luke played with the toys and when it was time to go home, he wanted to bring one soldier with him. Mimi wasn't very happy about breaking up the set, but Luke's mom said, "Can't he just bring it home with him?" Apparently, the other moms all laughed at Mimi not wanting to let Luke take the toy, and so Mimi just let Luke bring the toy back home with him, presumably never to be seen again.

So what do you think about all this?

Since I didn't really say anything to Mimi at the time (what could I say?), I will sound off here. Me, I think it is crazy.

Obviously, Luke's mom thought she was good enough friends with Mimi to ask to bring the toy soldier home, and she was clearly hoping to avoid a tantrum from Luke.

But it sounds like a classic case of bullying - on Luke's mom's part! Bullies know they can get their way because polite people, like Mimi, won't cause a scene or protest more than a tiny bit. And what was up with the other moms, who didn't just keep their mouths shut and stay out of the discussion, but actively mocked Mimi?

Finally, and I really do hate to comment on how other people raise their kids (because I wouldn't be interested in anyone's commentary on how I raise my kids), but isn't there an issue here about setting limits? Shouldn't she have told Luke, "No, it's time to go now, and this toy belongs to your friend so say goodbye to it"?

Okay I wasn't there, so I can't say exactly what happened (and I've changed a couple of details for this post). But all in all, I think it was a terrible lesson for little Luke, all the children, and even the moms too.

What do you think?