If I knew then what I knew now...

Hubs and I got a chance to have our last "golf date" of the season this past weekend. My parents graciously watched the kids, and the two of us took to the links (with margaritas in tow) on a beautiful blustery fall day. We got to reminiscing and I brought up that we had been together for 13 wonderful years (married for 8) and that it has seriously been an amazingly great ride - oh and that we could possibly have a 12 year old child. Let me explain... (and mom you can stop reading now :)

I didn't get my period until I was almost 15 years old, and never got it regularly. In fact I only got it like once or twice that first year. I was put on birth control to regulate my periods at 15, and was on it for the next 12 years until we started to try and have kids. But when I first started dating Hubs I forgot to take some pills, or forgot to renew my prescription and wasn't on the pill for a few weeks. We were careful of course, but when it came time for me to get my period as I thought I would, it never came. Two weeks later, it still didn't come. I was 21 years old, had only been dating my then-boyfriend-now-husband for about 3 months, and thought I was pregnant. Holy shitballs.

I had no idea what to do. I didn't tell Hubs what was happening at first, but I did tell my best friend because I was freaking out. She wanted me to go to the drug store around the corner and get a pregnancy test, but I was too scared. What the hell was I going to do if I was pregnant? I had been out of college for 5 months, I was about to start another new job (that only lasted 3 months because it was the worst job in the world), I lived in a very crappy apartment with 3 friends from college, my boyfriend was applying to law schools all over the country and could possibly be moving away in the next year and the last thing I wanted to do was to have a child - I was a child!!

If I remember correctly, I told Hubs that I was "late" on Thanksgiving. He was hosting at his apartment and I stayed up in Boston instead of going home to Florida. I will never forget feeling like I was going to throw up from nerves when I asked him "if we could talk" in his bedroom for a second. Of course he was nothing but supportive (and has been nothing but that our entire 13 years together) as I sat there and cried, but like any smart person he suggested we get a test and find out for sure. He even offered to get one for me, but again I couldn't go through with it.

I am not sure what happened the next few days, but I remember gathering my roommates one night at our apartment and telling them all what was going on. The next thing I remember is all of us piling into someones car and going off in search of a pregnancy test for me. It was late, and most stores were closed, so I remember driving around town looking for an open drug store, and when we finally found one we all went in...but I couldn't face buying the test myself so one of my other girlfriends bought it for me. It is one of those moments I will never forget - me lingering in the front of the store trying to look like i was interested in the nail polish I was in front of, with the other three girls in the back of the store trying to find the cheapest test possible.

I took the test as soon as I got home and those two minutes of all of us girls waiting for the results, in this tiny disgusting bathroom, were excruciating. What if I was pregnant?  There was no way I was going to have it right? I am very pro-choice, but could I go through with an abortion myself? Would my relationship with my boyfriend change? What would my parents think? Would I move home to Florida? How would I not drink for 9 months?

It was negative, of course.

And for the next 6 years of my life I was diligent about taking my birth control pills.

But then I stopped when we actually wanted to get pregnant, and I never got my period...and didn't get pregnant for months...and found out I had PCOS and could probably never get pregnant without assisted fertility treatments...and went through 2.5 years of different pills and shots and IUIs and IVFs.

I guess I could have saved a lot of money on birth control pills if I knew then what I know now!

Infertile Myrtle: A Festivus Miracle

I just looked at the Blog Dashboard (where we edit posts, manage settings, etc.) and noticed that this post will be our 500th post! So what better way to celebrate two and half years of Boston Baby Mama, and our 500th post that sharing a little secret.

Now let me tell you, I am not the best at keeping secrets. If someone tells me something juicy and asks me not to share it, I will of course keep my mouth shut, but one look at my face and you know I have something that I want to spill. Well, the last two months I have been keeping a secret from my family, friends and my loyal BBM readers...

There is a bun in Mama J's oven!

After our second failed IVF attempt (one canceled cycle, one failed implantation) in November I was all set to take off a month and start over with a third round. My doctor took me off all my meds and I thought I wouldn't be hearing from her for a couple months. Well, after I got my period I had a very long chat with her, as I was so depressed and needed to have some glimmer of hope that it would actually work at some point for us. We came to the conclusion that my body most likely does not respond to the pharmaceutical estrogen I had been on, and we needed to see what would happen when I was free of medicine.

I went in for blood and u/s two weeks later (not having taken any meds) and lo and behold my uterine lining was twice the size it had ever gotten while on the meds! So without telling any family or friends, we scheduled an IVF for the following Monday. I had one of our previously frozen embryos implanted, and then we waited two weeks...

And on my birthday in December I found out that it actually took. It was the best birthday/Christmas present I could have asked for.

Of course as the news of my pregnancy sunk in I started to freak out as the whole idea of two kids scares the crap out of me. And I am getting little bouts of anxiety daily about it, but I assume that is the norm as having two children is so much harder than the one I am used to.

My life is going to be turned upside down but I am excited about this whole adventure, and look forward to sharing everything with all of you!!

One last point I want to leave you with - if you are experiencing fertility issues as we have, talk to your doctor about ALL possible options, including a med-free cycle. When I met with my IVF doc last week for the last time she explained to me that her colleagues wanted her to talk to me about looking for a gestational carrier (or surrogate) as they didn't see any hope with me actually getting pregnant. Well, my fantastic doctor (Dr. Rachel Ashby @ Brigham & Womens, Boston) wasn't going to give up hope, and here I am feeling like I want to throw up all day and looking at baby names.

It is a Festivus Miracle!

PS. Due in August :)

Infertile Myrtle: Where do we go from here?

One of my loyal readers asked me to update you all about the latest happenings with our infertility struggles. I know I kind of left everyone hanging for a few weeks here, but I have lots to report, but unfortunately no good news to share.

The last I wrote I was hopped up on super duper estrogen patches. Well after a few weeks on those bad boys, my levels were not as high as they wanted them to be. My uterine lining was not thickening as it was supposed to, especially with that amount of estrogen pumping through my body, so we went back to the estrogen pills up the hoo-hah. This brought my levels up to where they were supposed to be, but actually had zero affect on the growth of my lining. If I remember correctly it actually started to shrink.

So I contacted my fertility doctor, whom I love so much, and told her I was in desperate need of some reassurance that there was a light at the end of this tunnel, and that we weren't just treading water, only to find out I would never be able to get pregnant again.

She called me immediately after I emailed her (one reason I love her) and laid it out for me (as she saw it). She believes that I am a rare case where my body does not respond to pharmaceutical estrogen, but will need to produce my own estrogen naturally and hopefully that will stimulate my lining to grow.

At this point in my second IVF cycle (remember first one went 44 days and was canceled), I was around day 24 and my lining was at 3.9. It needed to be to at least 6 to do the Cryo transfer. Things did not look good, once again, but my doc told me that we would up my dose of meds one more time, do a scan and see what happens. She said that she had done successful transfers with linings that thin, that resulted in pregnancies, and that she wanted to go ahead and give it a shot with me this time around. I am only 32 (about to be 33 in a few weeks), and that possibly once the embryo was inside me, it would decide to stay and grow on it's own, despite the thin lining. It was worth a shot.

So that is what we did. 15 days ago I had a Cryo transfer. My husband was out of town for work, so I trekked into the hospital by myself and had the embryo implanted in my sad, thin-lined uterus. Out of the 5 we had frozen, the first one they attempted to defrost had very high scores after surviving the thaw, so we used just that one. I was given a photo of it before it was implanted, and then I was given a photo of it inside my uterus - both of which I still had for M.

It is making me very sad to think about this, because I haven't thought about those photos really at all. I remember looking at both of them (which are now right in front of me under my computer screen in an envelope) and thinking - wow, the first photos of our new baby. I even sent a picture of the photo to my husband and he wrote me something endearing like "she is a beautiful baby."

Well, we found out yesterday that the embryo decided not to stay, and I am not pregnant.

I am doing better than I expected, but have little moments of great sadness since I found out the news yesterday. While I say I didn't expect it to work, of course I wanted it to, and honestly thought that there was no way it wouldn't.

When my nurse called and gave me the news she then explained to me that my case is going to a Fertility Review Board for review. They aren't exactly sure what to do with me next she explained to me. We will either be doing a Cryo Cycle with no-meds, in hopes that my body's own estrogen does the trick, or doing a fresh cycle and starting from scratch. Either way, I am going to give my bruised body a break until next year, as I don't want the added stress of going through this during the holidays. It really takes a lot out of a girl!

I am happy that I can enjoy cocktails with my family and friends over the next few weeks. I can eat my soft cheese and all the tuna I want. I can eat my steaks medium rare for the time being. I can try my best to get back into some sort of shape (who does that over the holidays, right?) and start working out again now that I am not on all sorts of medicines, and feeling like a slug. I can let my body heal from all the shots and can get back to my old self for the time being.

So that is where we are - in a holding pattern. I can't believe that it has gotten to this point though. When I had my IUD taken out in May, I was sure that I would be pregnant in July on our first try. Never did I think that what worked for us last time with M wouldn't work for us this time around. My wonderful husband keeps reminding me that it took two years to get pregnant with M, but I always remind him that what we did to get pregnant with M isn't working now and the scary thing is that I don't know where we go from here if this doesn't work out in the end?

I guess that is something I will figure out when we come to that crossroads...and something that will be a good topic for a future post.

Thank you for all of your support over the last few months, and if any of you are going through this too and have specific questions about any of this please email me at bostonbabymama@gmail.com.

XOXO, Mama J

Infertile Myrtle: Tales from the waiting room

When you have fertility issues, and have to use modern medicine to help you to get pregnant, you spend a lot of time in doctors offices, and even more time getting "tested" at hospitals. During either an IUI or an IVF cycle, you are monitored with ultrasounds and blood draws anywhere from 2 to 7 times a week.

Now you can't just go to the hospital at any time during the day to do all this. You have to go to a special office in the basement of the hospital (at least at BWH this is how it works) between the hours of 7-9 AM. You are seen on a first come first serve basis, so the earlier you get there the quicker you will be seen. I like to arrive between 6:30 and 6:45, and I am never the first one there. By 7:15 almost every one of the 25 or so seats are taken.

The walls are stark white, there is a tiny television in the corner (circa 1990) that plays local news, and to add insult to injury, there is a stack of old magazines for you to read - and most of them are Parenting magazine!

When you arrive you have to sign in, fill out a "call back sheet" (for your nurse), drop off your ultrasound order forms in one bin, attach your "blue card" to your bloodwork paperwork, and put that in yet another bin. And then you wait to be called...

Women sit there clutching either their red (IVF) or yellow (IUI) folders, waiting to be taken back into the exam rooms where they will have a giant ultrasound wand shoved up their hoo hah to have their inter-workings of their lady lands examined, as well as get poked by a needle, in the same place of your arm, for the 100th time.

They sit there so quietly, thinking about how they never thought they would have to go through all of this, how much of a pain in the ass it all is, but how wonderful the reward will be...if it works. They ask themselves all the same questions...

Why me?
What did I do to deserve this?
What if this doesn't work?

And as they all sit there, subtly eyeing the woman across from them, they wonder, "I wonder what her story is?"

How old is too old?

I will be honest: when I received my latest issue of New York magazine and this was the cover, I was a little grossed out (for lack of better words.)

The cover shows a woman in her 50s, obviously pregnant, recreating the infamous Demi Moore Vanity Fair cover from the 90s. At first I thought, this must be fake, right? And then I saw the headline, and thought, this is not right...and dove right into the article (job well done editors or NYmag!)

The article is about the growing trend of women in their late 40s, 50s and 60s becoming new moms, thanks in large part to medical science. This group of featured women all decided late in life, some after establishing themselves as career women, that they wanted to become moms. Because of modern advances in the field of infertility treatments, they all were able to conceive children at a time in their lives when they should be enjoying their grandchildren. 

I have been struggling for days now after reading this article, as to how I feel about all this. At first I thought it was madness. Why would these women want to risk getting pregnant so old! There are so many health issues for themselves, let alone all of the risks that they are putting the fetus in. How selfish is this of them?! 

Do these women realize the stress that having a baby puts on you physically? Emotionally? Do they realize that they won't be sleeping for the rest of their lives? 

Infertile Myrtle: Blame it on the Eh Eh Eh Eh Eh Estrogen!

Round 2!
In this corner: a uterus that doesn't want to do as it is told!
In the other corner: an incredibly hormonal, bloated, emotional, infertile woman!

Watch out kids - she is dangerous!

(and apparently has lost her marbles, as evident from the beginning of this post...yikes!)

The season finale of Curb Your Enthusiasm was entitled Michael J. Fox vs. Larry David. In this terribly uncomfortable episode Michael J. Fox acts like a total jerk (not a Larry David level jerk of course) and blames all of his behavior on having Parkinson's disease. It was awful, but pretty hysterical in parts. He would bump into Larry and say "sorry, Parkinsons." Or hand him a soda, that because of his shaking would explode in Larry's face. But Larry had his sneaking suspicion that he was doing things to him on purpose, and just blaming the Parkinsons. In true CYE fashion it was 30 minutes of uncomfortable situations in which Larry acts like a colossal asshat. Normally don't watch the show, but I love me some MJF so I watched, and it was worth it.

I like to blame my current crazy behavior on the Estrogen I am taking....

As I wrote a couple weeks ago, our first IVF was canceled. Now I am in the middle stages of the second round...and I am high on estrogen. Not so much "high" as "hopped up" I would say. This time we are going guns a'blazing, which means that I have to wear three very powerful estrogen patches on my body. These 1x2" patches pack quite a wallop, let me tell you.

When the nurse was giving me instructions over the phone as to how to use the patches, she explained to me that she had to wear one of these for a while (during menopause) and they made her crazy...I am wearing three. Let the good times roll.

Every other day I have to, as I like to call it "Patch Up." I slap them on my body in a neat little row, much like I am a person with a pack a day habit who is trying to quit nicotine. Each time I do this I have to put them in a different place than the last time, as evident from the multiple little patch outlines I have all over my pelvis and upper bum area. Believe me, I have scrubbed and scrubbed but that sticky outline of those little suckers does not come off.

It is amazing what these suckers have done to my body. I am a hyper-sensitive mess. One second I am raging mad, the next I am getting teary eyed over an episode of Jersey Shore (true story God help me). I get a terrible headache every day after lunch. I have no energy what-so-ever and if I could I think I would stay in bed all day. I tend to have no filter when it comes to emailing with my friends too - what did I just say in that last email? Blame the estrogen! And I feel like my eyesight has gotten worse, but I can't blame that on the meds, but the hours spent in front of my computer when I should be cleaning my house...so nevermind!

The hope is that these powerful meds will "whip my uterus into shape" as my doctor says, and make my lining prepare for the ultimate transfer of the embryo. All of which I will find out on Friday when I go for yet another ultrasound and bloodwork. If things don't look good I don't know what I will do, as this time around we can push it out like last time, so it is pretty much a do or die situation.

And that scares the shit out of me. This is kind of like a hail mary pass for us right now with this treatment. I am pretty sure if it doesn't work now, it might not work ever, so I am freaking out a little bit. What if I don't ever get pregnant again? I know, I have a beautiful daughter, and we would have a happy life as just a family of three. And there is always adoption (my husband was actually adopted) of course. But those aren't the types of things a girl in my situation wants to hear right now. I guess that might be a reality I will have to come to grips with, but for now I am sending good vibes to my lady parts in hopes that they cooperate with me, my crazy self and I.

Is it frowned upon to start drinking wine at 2 PM on a Monday? Probably.

Infertile Myrtle: Things don't always go as planned (UPDATED AT BOTTOM)

As most of you know, because I talk about it all the time on here, I struggled for 2 years to get pregnant with M. I started trying for a second child in May of this year with the hopes of being pregnant in August or September. I had it planned so that I would do an IVF cycle using my frozen embryos, from the IVF in 2009, and would complete our family by May or June of next year. That was the plan.

Here I am mid-September, and the plan seems to be falling apart. Normally with a cryo cycle you start injections, take a few pills for a few days, get a couple ultrasounds and have some blood work done 2 or 3 times. Your uterine lining grows and around day 18 they will implant the defrosted embryo inside you, and start cooking that little sucker.

Well, here I am...day 44. My uterine lining is not growing as it should. It didn't grow for the first 25 days, so for the last 19 days I have had to put the pills you take orally up my hoo-hah. That's right - pills up my lady parts in the morning and night - not easy. This method of pill taking started my lining to grow, but at a snails pace. So here I am, 44 days of pills and injections later, with a uterus that won't behave. BAD UTERUS!!

I have been to the hospital countless times over the last 7 weeks for ultrasounds and bloodwork. Every time I go I await the dreaded call from my nurse with the results that always starts "Hi. How are you holding up? Well, we aren't there yet..." in this sad wooooaaah-woooaaah voice. Every week she tells me to "hang in there" and to keep sticking myself with needles and sticking things up my junk. I have come to expect the bad news, but deep down inside I still hope that she will tell me that today is the day, and we can come in tomorrow to get pregnant. Not so much.

I had written a post last month about being ready to take on this whole process emotionally, but I will tell you right now, I am not. If you don't have experience with taking injections and hormone pills, you can't understand what this all does to your body. I am an emotion mess. I find myself crying all the time at the littlest thing. I get angry at the silliest things. I feel annoyed by everything and every one.

My poor husband is getting the brunt of it too. He couldn't be more supportive and loving, but sometimes if he looks at me funny I snap at him. I came home from going to a movie with friends yesterday and our house was spotless. This wonderful man, who works 80-100 hours a week, took the time when M was asleep to clean our house!! WHAT? And the first thing I said to him was (in a passive aggressive tone) "wow M, looks like daddy is trying to make mommy look bad." What kind of bitch have I become?

So this morning I went for what is most likely my last ultrasound of this cycle. If my lining hasn't grown to a certain width we have to cancel this cycle. As to what happens next I don't really know. I assume we will start again, more aggressively this time to try to, as my doctor says "whip this uterus into shape!" But I cannot stop thinking about the fact that my body isn't doing what it should. Am I going to find out that I will never be able to get pregnant? I already know I can't on my own, but now will IVF not even work for me? I can't stop thinking about this 24/7. It is the reason that I break into tears spontaneously during the day when I see a woman that is pregnant or see someone with two kids.

Being the supportive man that he is, my husband tries to remind me that it took us 2 years to get pregnant with M, and we are just starting again now. But then I have to explain to him that we are starting now with what worked the last time, so this is a whole new ballgame.

I know I am just feeling sorry for myself, but it is hard when things don't go as you planned, or hoped. I thought I would be ready for disappointment, but I was totally kidding myself.

So here I sit, with my cell phone by my side, awaiting that dreaded phone call from the nurse. Maybe this time it will be good news, but I am not getting my hopes up!

Cocktail time might start at 2 PM today.

So things didn't go as planned. The IVF was canceled. My uterine lining actually shrunk! Which the nurse said doesn't happen often...something you don't want to hear from a medical professional! Now I have to start Provera to get a period and then I go on concentrated estrogen patches. Watch out world. 


Feeling a little defeated, understandably so, but we will see what happens when we start guns blazing this time. Thank you for all your kind words!