Young Lovers are Idiots

I had a conversation with a 23 year old female today that ignited a fire inside me. Not a good fire of passion and motivation, but a fire of rage and frustration, so I am taking to the blog to share my feelings.

Without giving away who said 23 year old is - let's call her Sara for this story's sake - I will give you a little background on our relationship. I do not know her very well, but we have the kind of relationship where she feels comfortable enough with me to share some pretty intimate details about her current relationship wither her boyfriend. I do not reciprocate, as we are living in two completely different worlds, but I do share stories about my girls and silly things that happen during the week. She gets a much more deep with me. I have basically taken on the role of her older, and much wiser, sister, with whom she feels comfortable sharing her boyfriend troubles.

Over the past few weeks she has shared with me stories about her very new boyfriend. They have only been dating for two months, and already there are issues. He has some emotional baggage that he should be talking over with a professional, but instead bottles up and releases his anger onto Sara. She has even called him verbally abusive. He snaps a the littlest things. He turns minute conversations into all-night arguments. He confides in his ex-girlfriend and rubs it in Sara's face, and he belittles her job. Shit, his mother even told Sara that she shouldn't be dating him. And she tells me all of this, in what I think is a cry for help.

Now, I am not one to sit by and listen to this kind of bullshit and not say anything. I have years of experience with this kind of situation, and consider myself somewhat of an expert in the field of horrible boyfriends. Not that I have had a ton of boyfriends in my life, but I had one, for almost 4 years, that pretty much took the cake when it comes to boyfriends that you wouldn't wish upon your worst enemy.

Today I looked Sara straight in the eye and said (in so many words), "get out. Get out of this relationship before it is too late. Get out while you are still young. You do not deserve this kind of bullshit. No one does. No one should be treated the way you are being treated. You are young, and beautiful and smart and motivated and have the world at your finger tips. Dump this loser and move on with your life. This is not love. You are not in love with this terrible person. Love should be easy. Love should feel good - shit, love should feel amazing. Love is not just something you feel, but something you do. This person does not love you if he treats you like this. GET OUT NOW."

God Damnit I wish someone slapped me in the face when I was 18 and said these words to me.

When I was 17 I met and "fell in love" (my blood is boiling right now as I type this - how stupid are young lovers???) with a boy. Never had a boy liked me before, but this boy did. And this boy was popular, and was friends with the older kids, and was out of high school and had a real job. How cool was it that someone like this, someone who I later found out had red flags galore (terrible childhood, treated his mother and brother like crap, overweight, didn't go to college, flirted with everything in site - and later cheated on me multiple times, disrespectful to my parents, treated my brother like shit, horrible temper, verbally abusive...I could go on), actually paid attention to me and wanted to be my boyfriend? We fought all the time. My parents LOATHED him (rightfully so). I became a different person when I was with him. I did whatever he wanted me to do...I can't even say more because it makes me so freaking angry that I wasted so many years of my life with this loser.

But oh, how I wish that someone pulled me aside and said what I said to Sara!! I wish someone shook me and said "You are better than this! You deserve so much better than this!! Why are you wasting your time, and your youth on this piece of garbage? Why do you let him make you cry? Why do you let him get to you - let him make you become this horrible bratty selfish teenager? You used have so many friends! You used to be close to your Mom! He is driving a wedge between you! You are ruining your life you stupid naive girl!!!"

Maybe my mom did say those things to me. Maybe someone else did, but I was so self-involved that I wouldn't have/didn't listen to anyone that tried to steer me away from this loser. And you know what? Looking back on my life, I wouldn't change a thing. Because of this relationship with this guy, I am the person I am now. I am in the amazing relationship I am because of who I became after I dumped this guy.

If you met me today you would not believe for a second that I used to be this pathetic, submissive shadow of a human. I am so strong willed, so outgoing and so much braver than I used to be - but it took going through all of that bullshit to become who I am today. I am not saying that everyone needs to go through something like I did to become an independent woman, as I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but that was my path to become the woman I am today.

I am fearful for when my girls get older. I am scared that they are going to fall into the same trap that I did, that Sara has, and let a man control them. I am scared they will let a man make them feel pain and sadness. I am scared they will let a man get into their head and make them feel less of a person - make them feel that they aren't deserving of what they really want. I will do my best to tell them about what I went through, and give them advice and hopefully they will start out their dating lives as strong independent women, unlike I did. I will always be there for them, even if they won't talk to me, and I will remind them constantly that they are amazing, beautiful creatures, and should be treated as so.

Here are my words of advice to women of all ages out there: No man, or woman, or whomever you are in a relationship with, should ever make you feel badly about yourself. No one you are in love with should constantly make you sad. The beginnings of a relationship should not be challenging. New love is the most exciting love - you should want to be with each other every chance you get. You should be smiling ear to ear when you see this person, and never want to let go of their hand. Your partner should not make you cry - unless it is because he or she did something insanely romantic and sweet for you. If you are constantly fighting, this is not the right person for you. If you are nervous about saying something wrong in front of this person, this is not the right person for you. If you cannot be your amazing self in front of this person, this is DEFINITELY not the right person for you.

Love is not just something that you feel, it is something that you do. This is something that my husband said to me once and I will never forget it. You can't just say you love someone and think it will all be ok - you have to live the love. You have to put their needs before your own. You have to want to make them happy as often as you can.

You have to love who you are when you are when you are around your partner. And if you don't? Move on with your life. There is a lobster out there for everyone, you just have to keep looking.

Baby Name Stealing Friends

I often sit down and write when I need to process my feelings or work out any inner conflicts I may be having with myself or someone else. Since I feel that this subject is one that some of us may have come across or can relate to, I thought I'd share it here to get your feedback, advice, or get a simple thumbs up or thumbs down for the way I handled it. It's a toughie. 

A very close friend of mine came to me a few months ago asking for my permission to use my baby's name as her own. Ok, I am sure many of your mouths may have just dropped. Mine sure did, but along with that, my heart sank. She went on to suggest that she would pronounce it slightly different and left me believing she was still toying around with the spelling. At the same time, she was still unaware of the sex of her little one and planned to keep it that way until the birth. I did what I feel any mature woman/friend would have done and shrugged my shoulders saying "sure", immediately hoping for the opposite sex. Deep down I felt that I wanted to avoid any hurt feelings and any awkwardness of the situation that was still weeks away from happening. Hormones can be a crazy thing, so I just moved on hoping she would stumble across another name and dismiss the crazy idea of sharing one with mine. I dreaded the following weeks leading up to her birth, spending some nights asking my husband why someone would think this was ok. My thoughts were that if a friend has to actually ask permission, then it probably isn't the respectful thing to do. There are millions of beautiful names out there, why ours? I think the thing that stings the most is that she and her husband are also the godparents of my daughter who would be sharing the same name as hers. My daughter's name is unique. One that was an emotional process for us and one that we both agreed would be a beautiful addition to our family. Had it have also been a family name of hers by a strange coincidence, then I think I would have been able to understand a little more.

Well, long story short... that day came. I pulled up my Facebook that afternoon to see the birth announcement of her beautiful baby girl and there it was, the same exact spelling and with a very similar short little middle name to throw a real dagger into my heart. Tears streamed down my face as I turned to my husband. His face was frozen pale with shock. As we stood there staring at one another speechless, we both realized in that moment our friendship with them was going to be different. When we began receiving texts from mutual friends equally as shocked, we knew we weren't wrong in feeling the way we did. 

I have learned a lot about life and relationships over the past 3 years. I say three years because I have a 3 year old and for a lot of us, raising a child forces us to re-evaluate our relationships with people in a new way. Our priorities change. In most cases, our friendships will grow stronger. Sadly, some will fail. They fail quite simply because we haven't the time, energy or drive to want to keep them. Life gets messy. Whether it be a repetition of drama, flaky commitments, or glimpses of competition, I have made some tough decisions to distance some friendships simply because of how they make me feel. There are some people that just can't truly be happy for you. I realize that I have missed out on a lot of opportunities to have more uplifting, quality conversations with friends and far too often have settled sometimes for toxic negativity. As we turn the page on a new year and a fresh start, I want to remind myself of this... 

People will hurt you, disappoint you and frustrate you. Rise above it, and remember you have been blessed with this life. It's yours. Don't allow negativity to touch it. Explanations aren't always necessary when lines are crossed. Sometimes you need to take a step back and remain silent. Never miss out on a good opportunity to shut up. Your silence will always be a sign of great strength. 

A woman's place is in...

There is a trap we all fall into sometimes, whether we like it or not. I find myself stuck doing things that I think society expects of me or I unconsciously expect of myself, rather than what I really want to do. Recently it’s been the expectation that I should be the one to keep “it” together: family, hearth, and home, while my husband brings home the bacon (but, really, don’t I bring home some ham myself?). 

Our nanny requested a two-week vacation: her brother was getting married in Brazil, and of course she needed the time off.  Oh we’ll be fine, I thought to myself. I’ll just take that time off from work and hang with the kids. It will be fun.  Well, no, not really.  In addition to two lost weeks of work, I was frazzed the week before wrapping up and the week after the break frantically catching up.  And during: though admittedly there were some precious, sublime moments of fun, we all fell pretty ill during those two weeks.  Pretty miserable, actually.

But that’s life, right? Illness happens. Here’s the rub though: in retrospect, I was irked that that I had assumed all the responsibilities of childcare, hearth and home were mine. That’s right, the home was my complete domain, and if our nanny wasn't going to be there, it was all on me. I had unwittingly volunteered myself for the whole kit and kaboodle, without thinking through the alternatives. And to top it off, my husband did not protest.

Why didn’t I say to him, “hey love, M is gone for two weeks. Which week are you going to take off work to take care of the kids, and which will I take off?” Why did he let me bask in my delusion that my taking two weeks off from work was the right thing to do? We were both complicit in the idea about where each of our responsibilities lay.  He said to me, “Oh, you know I really want to help you.”  Umm, no. Let's rewind and try that again. Saying you are going to “help” me is also assuming that anything childcare- or home-related defaults to me. Instead: “How are we going to share this responsibility together?”

But haven’t we have all grown up with these assumptions of appropriate gender roles in families? They are hard to shake off. Take these two examples of some recent rather humorous faux pas from my very own dad:

Dad: “Oh I think that it is important for both parents to be involved in kids’ lives. That’s why women should stay at home.”

Or,

Dad: “I don’t understand why so and so wants to be a stay-at-home dad. I mean don’t you think he would have some ambition to do something with his life?”

Me: “Don’t you think it’s a double-standard that stay-at-home moms are completely acceptable and stay-at-home dads have something wrong with them?”

Dad: “Well don’t you think something is wrong with him?”

I don’t mean to be selling my husband or dad down the river. They are both exceptional, supportive men.  These examples illustrate that even the best of us—men and women--have a double-standard about where a woman’s and subsequently a man’s place is.

           

 When I was pregnant with each of our kids, friends and family would turn to me (and only me) and demand rapid-fire, “How much time are you taking off? When are you going change your schedule to work part-time? Of course you are breastfeeding (was that even a question?). You are going to let a stranger take care of your children while you work? Why aren’t you quitting?” The answers I gave were never good enough.  No one ever paused for a minute to even turn to my husband and ask how he was going to turn his life upside down in nine months. The assumption was, my life was the one that was going to change completely, because our family's survival depended on it.

The fact of the matter is, both of our lives have completely changed with the dude and little miss, in expected and unexpected ways.  Expected: the innumerable ways they demonstrate day in and day out how they are the most adorable kids on the planet. Unexpected? How having children would put our expectations of our roles as husband and wife, father and mother, in stark relief.  How we have had to re-evaluate how we see ourselves, time and time again.

Being more explicit about the choices we make. Thinking about how we share the load will ultimately make us each feel less pigeon-holed in any one of these  “traditional” roles: breadwinner, homemaker, or head of household. And that’s good for everyone in the family.

The REAL pleasures of the Babymoon

During both of my pregnancies, my husband and I got the chance to take a modest babymoon. When we were expecting S, we drove up to Portland, Maine for a night. We took in a Seadogs baseball game, strolled around the Old Port, and treated ourselves to a nice dinner out. This summer, as we await #2, we had the chance to do the same in Bar Harbor, sans toddler, of course. As S hung out with her nana and papa, we were enjoying a sunny cruise in the harbor, chowing down on good food, and driving through the wilds of Acadia.

We also enjoyed some quality “alone time” (insert your sketchy uncle’s nudge and wink here), as every good babymoon should, I suppose. But let’s be honest: this isn’t a honeymoon. If you’re going on a babymoon, it’s because you’re pregnant, which probably means that you’re swollen, tired, irritable, or all of the above. And as for your babymoon buddy, they're probably a little fried themselves, as they’ve been tirelessly rubbing your puffy feet, fetching food for your cravings, and tiptoeing around your moody self. The two of you might not be feeling quite as amorous as on your wedding night.

So no, the babymoon is not all about sex. In fact, here are the 3 main pleasures of the babymoon that you might not have guessed:

1)     Sleep and shower as often and as long as you desire.
2)     Eat a leisurely, several-course meal at a super-trendy restaurant.
3)     Wander and explore aimlessly, and with few belongings.

I'll touch on each of these briefly. On #1, the sleep is probably a no-brainer. As my father-in-law so cheerily told us at our baby shower for S, "you'll never sleep in again." And you know what? Grandpa was right.

But no one warned me how much I'd miss a good shower. When you have a little one needing you at every moment of the day, it's unlikely that you'll be able to zone out in the hot spray as your skin prunes. It's more likely that you'll learn, as I have, to brush your teeth, soap up, and shave your legs at the same time, and all under 4 minutes flat.

#2: With kids in tow, getting a good meal out is a challenge. It's not impossible, mind you, but you might find yourself suggesting (gasp!) Ruby Tuesday's at 4:45pm on a Saturday evening. The babymoon is a chance to remind yourself that you enjoy eating in the company of adults--really cool, bordering on pretentious, adults. Eat something unusual, take your time, and as a bonus, enjoy some uninterrupted conversation. It's ok if it's just about how long you're going to sleep or shower next.

And #3: One thing I miss about my pre-kid life is the luxury of wandering aimlessly, without an eye on the clock for meals and naptimes. So on your babymoon, be sure to take your time exploring and to make some unexpected stops along the way.

Oh, and be sure to only carry a ridiculously tiny purse, one that would never fit diapers or a sippy cup.

Intimacy

by OmMama

I read a cool passage in a book a while ago: a woman lies in bed at 3am awake one night, she asks her partner to tell her a story beginning with one word as inspiration; she provides him the word (fish), and he proceeds to tell her a sweet and insightful story about his childhood relationship with his father, and how they used to go on camping & fishing trips together (the only thing they ever did together) once a year. Of course these trips were about more than the catch. The man realized that he watched his Dad’s every move in how he carefully prepared the line, waited with silent patience for the fish, and then with massive strength and courage, would reel it in with all his might sweating and shirtless—until the wriggling fish surrendered to his knife. He said the dinner they ate together on the shores of the river, just the two of them, was the best he ever had.  They spent the weekend without a bath, pitching their tent wherever they wished yet respecting their environment, and each night, devoured a fresh & tasty reward for dinner. They sat for hours by the little but warm fire his Dad built for them the moment the sun began to set. In those hours, his Dad would sometimes take his sweater off himself and place it on him. He loved these hours. And the closeness, the sharing, the undistracted attention two people experience when alone with each other.

Time alone with those we love is not often enough. And when we get it, what do we do with it? Do we make it rich, memorable—a story worth telling when someone asks us to tell one?

The other day while my child was napping my husband and I just sat on the couch talking for 2 hours. We hadn’t done this since before her birth (3 yrs ago.) It was intimate, not just because we held each other, though that was delicious, but we talked about our relationship—some important stuff we needed to discuss, and it was a bit tough going…but we both smiled by the end of our talk.

People don’t talk about, or even think about intimacy often. Maybe we don’t have time for it, maybe we’ve forgotten about it because now we think FaceBook, and all of the other social media interruptions are “enough.”

Try it tonight with a person you love.

Even if it’s just sitting in the rocking chair a bit longer with your child, or giving them a hug and kiss for no reason, looking them in the eyes and saying “I love you!”

Or try the inspirational word idea I read about.

Initiating intimacy takes courage and desire and time. But the rewards last forever for all involved.