Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Dear Facebook, I am over you

There was a time (not so long ago) that I would check my Facebook account about 20 times a day. There was a time (much longer ago) that I would update my status with the minutiae of my day ("So tired from being up at 4:30 AM!" or "Eating lunch at Bloomingdales!" or "Just took a poop!" - ok, I never wrote about my bowel movements, but some people put so much insignificant crap (pun intended) in their status they might as well be talking about their poops!) - what was I saying? Oh yeah, I used to be a frequent Facebook user. I used to upload photos of the girls on a daily basis, and then desperately check every ten minutes to see which of my friends "liked" my photos (what? only 10 of you like this awesome photo of M? Are you blind?).

There was a time when Facebook was fun. It was a place to stalk old boyfriends, and see what fellow classmates were up to and who they ended up marrying. It was a place to reconnect with friends from your childhood, and keep in touch with family members that you rarely see.

But now I feel like it is just a place for people to over share the intimate details of their lives. Ok, maybe it has always been that way, and maybe I too was once an over sharer, but I feel like people have gotten out of hand.

I do not give a flying fug how many miles you ran this morning!

Oh, you are at the gym? Then get off Facebook and work out for fugs sake!

You are "checking-in" to a restaurant? Who cares! Check this!

I, and the rest of your Facebook friends, do not need to know the intimate details of your marital problems (maybe you should not share so much on Facebook and your marriage would be better).

Yes, traffic sucks at rush hour.

Yes, it snows in winter and is always warm in Florida (you don't have to remind us Northerners).

No, I am not giving you money for your race (ok, some people I do give money to, I am just sick of seeing people asking for money!)

And I am fine with you being a devout Christian, you just don't need to remind us every day! I don't remind you that I don't believe in religion on a daily basis do I?

And if I sign on one more time and see a photo of some terminally ill child in a foreign country (most of them incredibly disturbing and heartbreaking) that asks me to type "AMEN" in the comments (I am assuming most of these are hoaxes) I am going to throw in the towel for good.

Maybe I am getting too old for Facebook. Maybe I realize that I don't want everyone I know to know every detail of my life (and neither should you people). Maybe I am pissed that Facebook has turned into one big marketing ploy (I have to actually pay now for all the people that like the Boston Baby Mama page to see my posts - ridiculous!) Whatever the reason, Facebook, I am over you.

Now, Instagram, that is another story. All photos and no status updates? A community of creative people that have likeminded interests and are nothing but positive?* Count me in!

*Yes, I know, not all of Instagram is like this, but the community that I have aligned with is totally this way! Follow me and find out! I promise! 

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Val's Path of Destruction

My youngest child Val is a crazy person. I say that with nothing but love...and a few new gray hairs.

I actually think she is an evil genius.

She knows exactly what she should and shouldn't do, and is constantly doing everything she is not supposed to do just to get a reaction out of me. She is constantly climbing on things and then saying "mama?!" and looking at me with this adorable smirk on her face as if to say, "I know I am not supposed to be up here, but I am going to do it anyway, and you can't get mad at me because I am super cute."

Her favorite thing to do is to run over to my desk, reach up and grab something she shouldn't (like my glasses) and then look me in the eye and start cackling and running in the opposite direction screaming "mama gasses! mama gasses!" - she still can't say her L's very well.

The other day she came up to me with something in her hand, looks at me and says, "poochie!" and then puts a handful of dog food in her mouth while giggling uncontrollably.

The behavior that drives me the most crazy lately though is that she has this habit of throwing everything on the floor. She will ask for milk, I will give her a cup of milk, she will take one sip and then hurl the sippy cup across the room and say "no. No. No, milk." She'll take a bite of cheese and then throw a chunk on the floor and say "done!" She leaves a trail of half eaten snacks and full sippy cups wherever she goes.

And speaking of a trail of things...

This is what I have to deal with every night. Naked princesses, in various spread eagle positions, all over the house. And I mean all over. I found naked Sleeping Beauty in the tupperware drawer this morning when I went to make M's lunch. Ariel is on my bathroom floor upstairs, there is a naked Barbie on the staircase. I clean them all up, and then for sure Val makes a point to spread them around the house every day. 

To her sister's dismay, Val also does not like when the princesses have their clothes on. She will look at them and shake her head saying "nope. No cothes...off cothes..." (remember, no Ls). I can only image what the princesses all say to each other when they come to life after we go to sleep. What, am I the only one that believes that happens? 

Val is the queen of being able to "flip the switch" when it comes to emotions. One second she will be happily playing, and then the waterworks can be turned on in an instant by the smallest thing! The dog walks into the room and looks at her - cue the tears. They only last for about 10 seconds and are the big crocodile tears - I am telling you this girl has a future on the big screen. 

Although she is the source of a lot of the drama in our house, she is seriously the most fun. She certainly keeps me on my toes all day - especially now that she learned to unlock the front door. Good times. 

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Mama J = Slacker

I am sitting at my computer listening to Val scream her head off upstairs in her crib, and M barking like a seal in her bedroom. It is one of those days...
I've had a lot of lattes as of late

Val is at the tail end of a cold, and M at the beginning and was diagnosed with croup at the doctors today. Speaking of the doctors, we have been to the doctors office four times in the last four weeks due to illness! Four times! Val had croup, then they both had strep, and now M has croup and Val is at the end of a head cold/getting all four incisors at the same time. Good times.

We can't seem to shake the illnesses in our house. For months at least one of us has been sick - I have been in some state of sick for over a month now. I think it is largely due to the fact that we have been housebound for about 4 months now here in New England due to this insanely cold weather. Our home is like an incubator for the flu virus - coughing on each other, sneezing in faces (kids not me) and wiping snot on various surfaces. Oh and constantly swapping spit by drinking out of each other's drink vessels.

Needless to say M is home from school again today. I bribed her with a trip for ice cream (even though it is about 30 degrees outside) so that she would go lay down in her room for a while and hopefully take a nap. Val has been sleeping terribly lately so she is a cranky mess and is refusing to shut her eyes. Mama needs a break (and some more caffeine) - a break to start crossing off the 100+ items on my every growing list.

I sat down today and made a list of the things I need to do - things I have been putting off for days/weeks. On my personal to-do list I have 15 things, but on my decisions for new house I have 79. 79 decisions that need to be made, over the next 3-4 months, pretty much by me, as Hubs doesn't really care when it comes to design/look of house. Not a terrible position to be in, I know, as I spend pretty much all my free time looking at ideas on Pinterest or in catalogs and magazines. Tough life I know!

Did you know that there are almost 40 different shades of the color white? Neither did I.

But I am not writing to complain about having to choose paint colors, I am writing because with all these superficial decisions that have become my life as of late, things are being put on the back burner that shouldn't be, like, my every day responsibilities.

Sure the kids are clothed, and fed and cared for, but I am phoning it in when it comes to dinner preparation - I think the kids have eaten more mac n' cheese in the last few weeks than ever before. Hubs and I have fallen off the wagon when it comes to eating "clean" and have ordered out more lately than we have in the entire past year. The time that I should spend on meal planning and preparation I am literally either on my iPad or my computer looking at house related ideas.

My house is a pigsty and I actually have multiple laundry hampers full of clean clothes in there that I haven't emptied in over two weeks. And about a week and a half worth of dirty laundry that is spilling out of the two hampers in front of my washing machine. There is stack of mail and bills on my desk that is about two feet high - I should probably go through it, but then I would be taking up precious time of looking at cabinet knobs online!

In the next few months I will be adding selling my current house onto my list of responsibilities, which will be another interesting adventure. I don't look forward to having to keep the house spotless for showings and driving around with kids and dog in tow during open houses, etc., all the while Hubs is insanely busy and traveling much more for work these days.

I have let the blog fall by the wayside. I seriously had big plans for 2014 - a redesign, both of content and of the layout. I had plans for giveaways. I have a list of kid crafts I wanted to try and and recipes to review, with plans of doing at least one of each of those once a week. I had blogger events I wanted to attend. But what little free time I have these days I have devoted to attempting to stay in shape (or get back into shape - I am not sure what shape I am in!) or doing things for the new house, which I never thought would take up so much of my time.

I still plan to write about some of the creative decision making for the house, and even poll you lovely people on some choices. Thought it might be cool to have some external opinions on things like room layouts and paint colors.

I apologize (again) for slacking in the posting, and hope that you, my dedicated readers, will stick with me over the next few months during this crazy adventure!

I can hear my mom now - "stop typing and go put away your laundry!"

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Hear ye! Hear ye!

No one likes to receive that little 4x6 postcard in the mail with "Jury Duty: Your Civic Obligation"  written in big blue letters on it. No one. Sure, they show you that video that has all those civilians talking about how jury duty was the greatest time in in their lives, and how it was so much fun and exciting, but I think those people got a free lunch to say those things. Jury duty stinks!
I was close to pulling a Liz Lemon.

Sidebar (pun intended) - whenever I say something stinks, as in it sucks, not smells, M always sniffs and says "I don't smell anything!" Love her.

After deferring my call to duty a year, I finally had to attend jury duty yesterday. I figured I would try one last time to get out of it and called the telephone number they give you and explained to the person on the line that I was a stay at home mom, with limited child care (my sitter can only work Monday and Thursday mornings) and a husband that travels a lot for work, and no one else to watch my kids. The lovely woman on the other end of the line said to me, "that's your problem, figure it out." I could tell that she loves her job working for the state of Massachusetts! (Please, note the sarcasm.) So, I was stuck with the very last date possible in my year of deferment, yesterday.

I was nervous as hell yesterday morning when I got up. Nervous to the point of breaking out in hives on the side of my face. What should I wear? I don't want to be too dressed up because then they might pick me (why? I don't know.) I don't want to look too much like a scrub...because then they might pick me (I realize this made no sense, but every decision I made led to me thinking that I would be picked in the end.) I settled on nice jeans and a sweater, but snow boots, not leather boots because I didn't want to look like I was too fancy (ridiculous thoughts I know). Should I bring a snack? Will I be able to eat? Can I use my iPad? Should I bring a book? Where am I going to park? Should I get there early? Will that make me look anxious or will that give me a low number? 

I arrived at 7:40 and was one of the first people there. I was given my little card with the #29 on it. 29? Shit. That is a low number. I was for sure going to be called into a court room with a number like 29. And three hours of sitting in silence (with iPad of course) later I was called in the second group to line up. I surveyed the rag tag group of my peers - one thing we all had in common - we all looked miserable, and anxious that we were going to be chosen for an actual jury.

Now, I have been called for jury duty before, but never actually left the jury pool room. This was my first adventure into an actual courtroom as a potential jury member, and let me tell you it was eye opening.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

A Travel Nightmare (and some travel advice)

I am a firm believer that when you put something out in the universe, it will come back to bite you in the ass...hard. For instance, the second you tell someone your kid is sleeping through the night, your kid will start waking up at least once every night. As soon as you brag to your friends about how well behaved your child is, and how you never experienced the terrible twos, your kid will turn on you the second you walk through the door and throw the fit of the century when you try to get them into their pajamas...every night for a month straight.

In this case, my story has nothing to do with the behavior of my children, but something else I put out in the universe entirely. My younger brother is crazy smart - like computer genius type smart - but this kid is the most forgetful, absent minded person sometimes. I remember when we were little my mom used to have to pin notes for the teacher to his chest because he never remembered to give them to the teacher if my mother put them in his bag. She pinned an envelope to the poor kids chest!! Today he is 33 years old, and every time he travels back to the US (he now lives in Europe) something goes wrong with his travel situation...he misses a flight, he thinks he is on a different flight and goes to the wrong terminal, and once he even went to the wrong airport (La Guardia when he was supposed to be at JFK). I didn't know how this type of thing happened to a grown adult so often. I actually told one of my friends last month about my brother and his luck with travel, and said something along the lines of "I have taken hundreds of flights in my life and not once have I ever missed a flight."

And the universe heard me...and came prepared to bite me.

Last Saturday the girls and I were booked on a 6 AM flight out of Boston to West Palm Beach. We were traveling down to see my parents, as Hubs is crazy busy at work lately and we needed some love from the grandparents. That morning we awoke at 4 AM, and we pulled out of the garage (Hubs drove us) at 4:30, as scheduled. We arrived at the airport as planned at 5 AM - plenty of time to get on a 6 AM flight right? Here is where I miscalculated - I didn't account for the time that it would take us to park the car, take the car seats out of the car and put them in their carrying cases, and get us plus the luggage (with Hubs helping) down to the baggage drop off area. It was 20 minutes that I didn't think about.

We got in line to drop off our bags at 5:20 on the nose - the line was long, but consistently moving. I figured it would take us 10 minutes to get up to the front, and then we had Even More Speed so we got to skip the security line. We would be fine. When I think about it now, I want to go back and slap myself in the face. Was my brain not working? How would we be fine??

We got to the front of the line and were told that we missed our flight. There was no way that our luggage would make it to the plane in time and we had to get on another flight. The a-hole that told me this then asked me why I didn't come forward when they called out the passengers on our flight from the long line. I told him that we never heard him and would of course have come forward!

Cue the waterworks. I was sleep deprived, I was already nervous about flying by myself  with the girls, and then this crap happens. It is totally my fault. I am not one to get to an airport late, or with just enough time to walk on the plane. I like to get there early. I thought an hour before my flight would be fine - but now that I think about it, and it would have been if it was just me flying and I didn't have any luggage to check! I have no idea what I was thinking...
we were lucky to not have anyone sitting in
the seat next to us so Val got her own seat for
a bit and mommy got to stretch her arms!
Notice the Ziploc bag!

So some nice lady booked us on another flight, but we had to go to Fort Lauderdale, which is about 45 minutes south of West Palm. Whatever - we would be getting in about 2 hours later than scheduled, that is fine. The woman was nice enough to give Hubs a gate pass so that he could help us to the gate. I stopped crying and pulled myself together...

And then we were told that the flight to Fort Lauderdale was having maintenance issues (the bathrooms were broken) and that we were delayed 30 minutes...which turned into an hour. And THEN we were told that the plane was unfixable and we would have to wait another hour for different plane, coming from Orlando, which would then take us to Fort Lauderdale. Jebus!

In the end, they fixed the bathrooms on the original flight, and we left about 2 hours later than scheduled, which was 4.5 hours later than our 6 AM flight. It was a nightmare of a situation, and could have been avoided if I had actually used my brain and gotten up 30 minutes earlier.

For all of the chaos the girls were incredibly well behaved. There is nothing like being stressed about traveling with your kids alone and having multiple strangers come up to you and compliment you on how well behaved your children are. Sure there was some whining here and there (they had been up since 4 AM!) but I was shocked at how well they took all the delays - more time to run around the terminal giggling..and of course to watch their iPads!

Speaking of which, I know I have given advice about traveling with kids before, but here are some pointers I wanted to share again:

- Ziploc bag everything. I had the following in individual ziploc bags: diapers and wipes, toys and books, snacks, 2 Camelback water containers, 2 changes of clothes. This way it is so easy to keep everything nice and organized and makes going through security so much easier!

- Use your baby carrier. I had Val in the Ergo and since we were flying so early and I knew M would be cranky I brought the umbrella stroller. If M wasn't riding I put our carryon in the stroller and pushed it around. Val won't sit still in a stroller, so I kept her in the Ergo when we were on the move so I had my hands free

- Bring at least one change of clothes for each kid. We always have spills on the plane - most of the time they are my fault - but someone always ends up with wet pants or a dirty shirt.

- People are usually very nice to you when you are traveling with young kids - especially when they are well behaved. Take advantage of those nice grandparents sitting behind you and let them play peekaboo with your kid for a few minutes. Say yes to the flight attendant when she asks to hold your child so that you can pee on your own. Let that security guard help you fold your stroller. You don't have to do everything yourself (although I like to try)!

- Make sure your kids pee right before you board the plane. Even if they say they don't have to go, make them "squeeze out the pee pee" as we say. If they don't they will for sure have to go when they aren't able to go (during ascending and descending).

- Bring lollipops. We are at the age where M is starting to feel the pressure in her ears during take off and landing now. Lollipops seem to help with the pressure, and are a good distraction.

- Let your kids use electronics. I am a firm believer in my kids using iPads. Ok, that doesn't even make sense - ha. What I mean is, if it keeps them quiet, and takes some stress off you, let them look at the iPad on a plane! Sure I bring other things, like crayons and paper, and books, but most of the flight both my kids had an iPad in front of them, and they were content and quiet. I am sure some people were judging me (as they do when I have the iPad out at restaurants) but I don't care! Judge away, and enjoy the quiet flight!

Despite the chaos of the morning, we got to Florida, had an amazing time with my parents in the warm 80 degree sun. And I got to the airport an hour and a half early for our return flight!

Saturday, February 22, 2014

An ode to Saturday mornings in Haiku form

Hubs home to watch girls
Uninterrupted shower
Shave above the knee

Tissues on fingers
Magnifying mirror. Yikes!
Squeeze out the goo balls

Time to blow dry hair
Maybe even some make up
Feel like me again

I love having my husband home!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Friday, February 21, 2014

This New House

I haven't been posting here on the blog as much as I would like. Sure I have free time while Val naps, or the couple hours a week I have my sitter, but those are now all filled up with my (I should say "our") latest project - we are building a house.

We are building the house where we will live for the next 30 years of our lives. The house in which our kids will grow up, and have sleepovers and celebrate birthdays. The house in which we will throw parties and have family over on holidays. The house where our girls will invite friends over to watch movies in the basement...possibly boys...that they might like...who might like them...who
M standing next to our foundation!
might try to smooch my babies (or vice versa if they are my girls - ha)...so we obviously don't want an enclosed television area in the basement right? Because we don't want our kids to feel comfortable making out with other kids in the basement, RIGHT?

These are the types of things we are thinking about as we build this house. It is amazing what comes into your head when you are trying to figure out floor plans and paint colors and kitchen countertops. I didn't think for a second about not putting a door on a theater room in the basement, but my husband brought up the making out thing and said he is going to make it as hard as possible for our girls to even think about bringing someone down there to make out with. HA! The things that go through a dad's head.

We decided to make a bigger closet in the guest room in case one day we have one or more parents that might need to live with us. We have already discussed the likelihood of the girls changing bedrooms when they get older (as one bedroom of theirs is bigger than the other and someone might want to move to the guest room). Among many other possible future happenings!

We are only in the framing portion of the build and this whole process is already taken over my life. Let me just say that, I am loving every second of this madness, but it is madness and we are still only 5% of the way done. I have spent most of my free time visiting tile stores, looking at granite and marble slabs, meeting with kitchen cabinet people, meeting with our contractor, so everything else has kind of fallen by the wayside.

If I am at home and have free time I can be found at my computer on Pinterest. What would I do without Pinterest? What did people do before Pinterest? Yes, I know - looked through magazines and cut things out. I will full admit that I am addicted. I check to see if there are any white kitchen cabinet photos that I haven't seen basically 2-3 times an hour. I have about 350+ pinned, but there are surely more out there, so I need to constantly check, right? Call me crazy (because that is what I have become).

I am at the point that the design of the house is all I think about - like it keeps me up at night. I know that if I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night there is no way I am falling back asleep for at least 45 minutes because my mental house folders are turned on and I start thinking about everything from door knobs to toilet placement.

I have also become anally organized with this project. I have fancy file folders for different rooms, print outs of my ideas with color coded notes written on them, as well as a plethora of color coordinated paper and binder clips that I carry around with me. I am not organized in any other aspect of my life in half this much!

This is the house in which we will live out our Wonder Years as a family - where most of our memories will be made, so I want it to be as perfect as can be. So yes, call me insane for losing sleep over the placement of the kitchen stove, but wherever it goes, I will have to live with it for the majority of my adult life! These are big decisions people.

And big decisions I am so excited to make. We are so lucky to be able to be building our dream house at our age, this I know. Little did I know how much time it would take out of our lives, and how other things would suffer in the process, like the blog and my sleep.

I wasn't sure I would even share this whole process with you all, but I have made the choice to talk about the house build on the blog, as it is such a big part of my life right now. I will continue to tell the silly and hilarious stories of our every day lives with the girls, of course, but get ready to help me make some design decisions (because right now it is just me doing it as Hubs couldn't care less what our kitchen looked like!)

Ok - spent way too much time away from Pinterest - must go check for more kitchen cabinet ideas!!! I wish I could get paid to pin things!

Friday, February 14, 2014

Growing Up at Ludicrous Speed

When you have your first child you cannot wait for them to hit certain milestones.

I can't wait for this kid to sleep through the night. 
When is this child going to sit up on their own?
I am so sick of these bottles, I can't wait to use sippy cups. 
I wish my kid was walking so I didn't have to carry her around so much anymore!
I cannot wait to not have to change diapers anymore! 

You see other babies your child's age doing things before your child and wish that your kid was crawling, or climbing, eating solids or using the potty. Is there something wrong with my kid? Why isn't she doing what everyone else is? Little Jonny can say his ABCs and all my kid does is talk gibberish - is there something wrong with her? Are the other moms judging me because my kid is still in diapers and she is almost 3? 

M was born almost 5 week early, so she did everything later than kids her age. She sat up on her own months after the other kids, she never crawled (just did this weird butt scoot thing) and she didn't really walk on her own until she was 20 months old!

We tried for months to potty train her before her 3rd birthday, with no luck. We tried all different methods, all kinds of rewards, but she would still have accidents all day long. One month after she turned 3 it just clicked - and the diapers were gone for good.

18 months and loving the potty - not right!
The lesson I learned with M is that kid's will do things when they are damn good and ready to do things. No matter what kind of reward you put in front of them, or how many times you try and get them to walk to you, they won't do these physical things until they are actually ready to physically do them. Some kids walk at 10 months - my kid walked at 20 months. Some kids are potty trained at 2 - mine was potty trained at a little over 3 - some kids not until 4 - and some 5 year olds I know still wear Pull-ups at night.

But at some point in our children's lives they will all be walking, talking, potty-using, reading and writing human beings. Just at their own pace.

I was inspired to write this post by dear sweet Val, who today is 18 months old. Adorable, chewable
baby Val, who is growing up way too fast. She is an 8 year old in the body of an 18 month old (who really looks like a 2 year old because she is so damn tall.)

Hubs and I both feel that Val is changing a Ludicrous Speed. I took her out to lunch yesterday and she sat there, in her high chair, eating her food with a big adult fork while watching a show on her iPad. She would stop, put her fork down to rest on her plate, and take a sip of water, then just go back to eating with her big girl fork. I just sat and stared at her while I was eating - totally in shock that this kid, just started walking on her own 2 months ago and is now eating like an adult?? How did this happen?

And now she is totally into using the potty! WHAT? Every day she runs into the potty and starts yelling for me to come in and sit her own the big potty (with a little seat of course). She sits there, takes some toilet paper and tries to wipe her lady parts and then puts it in the pot. She looks at me and says "down mama. All done," and then stands there and flushes the potty. Now, she isn't actually going to the potty, but I am scared that she is already totally into using the potty at 18 months!

With your second (and/or last) child you don't want them to hit these milestones like you did with the first (except for the sleeping through the night - I am not a crazy person). I didn't care if Val didn't walk until she was 2 years old. I wasn't encouraging it at all (my parents were, but I wasn't) as I loved holding her all day and carrying her around in the Ergo. I was glad to say goodbye to bottles, but I don't ever want her to be out of diapers! I don't want her to get any older! She is already in 2T clothes for crying out loud.

Life is moving at an uncomfortable speed for me right now. Hubs and I are so in love with our kids at these ages, that I really don't want them to grow up! There is just enough drama for us to handle right now - I can't imagine these two ladies as teenagers. Sweet fancy Moses do we have our work cut out for us in the years to come.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

My Not-So-Real Housewives Rant

My Real Housewives tag line:
"I used to be the Lady of the dance floor, but now I am Queen of boogers and poop."

I have watched every single episode that has ever aired of every single Real Housewives franchise.

Phew. Felt good to get that off my chest. (Queue husband shivering in disgust.)

I have been watching since Lori was working as a receptionist at Vicki's company back in the first season of OC. I remember Nene as a brunette. I also remember Bethenny living in a tiny one bedroom apartment and dating some bald dude named Jason (not Hoppy). I even suffered through the madness that was RH of DC - and secretly wish they brought that franchise back because those ladies were highly entertaining (who doesn't like a White House party scandal!)

I could resist this photo of RHoA season 1. Yikes!
I used to really enjoy watching each season. The characters were so much more normal than they are now. Sure they went to extravagant parties, but that wasn't the focus of every episode. You saw their every day lives, and their struggle to raise normal kids, or to seriously find love. It was entertaining, and unlike anything else on television.

Of course, I still watch today, but I don't enjoy it. I actually loathe the show, and everyone on each franchise. My husband says this to me all the time, "how can you watch something when you hate everyone on it? It doesn't make sense!?" It doesn't make sense! But I cannot miss an episode for some reason! I need to see what insane hi-jinx these nut jobs with weaves get up to each week.

The shows have gotten seriously ridiculous. They are so set-up and scripted these days they are like a completely different show from the first seasons. Each week they set up the ladies (and now the husbands/boyfriends play a big part) in some ridiculous scenario and tell someone to bring up some bit of juicy gossip that will ignite a huge fight between the cast mates, which lately sometimes even comes to blows. It is a train wreck.

Each season the ladies get more plastic surgery, looking more and more like middle aged Barbie dolls who can't close their eyes. They all now drive Range Rovers - have you noticed that? They all wear so much make-up - what is it with the fake eyelashes??? Why do they all have to wear them every moment of each day? Do people in real life do that? Not in Boston, that is for sure.

When does a reality show stop being a reality show? When you are paying the cast mates up to $1 million per season. It was just released that Nene Leaks (Bloop! I still love her!) is the highest paid housewife, raking in one million per season. Teresa Giudice (the most painful to watch I think) comes in at second making $650k a year!

Hey Bravo, how about this for a show - you actually show what a REAL housewife does during the day! For instance, I am on my second load of deep-sanitizing laundry because my dog won't stop peeing on our beds! I took my daughter to school this morning while wearing sweatpants, crazy hair and yesterday's mascara. I just flushed some tiny poops that were in my daughter's diaper down the toilet, but when I opened the diaper over the toilet one poop went rogue and bounced off the seat onto the floor. Now that's television!!! It may not make for great television but it is what REAL housewives do.

Nothing about the show is real anymore. Women don't fight like that in real life. Women don't really fight! I have gotten in one fight with a friend in my entire life, and an hour later we were hugging and crying over how ridiculous it was, and we never fought again. I guess that is why my life would make terrible television.

Here is a question for you - if you have a sketchy past or have done anything illegal in your life, why on earth would you go on a reality television show? There is no way you are going to be able to hide anything now that your life is an open book! It is just sad how all of these cast member's skeletons are coming out of their closets now.

And what is even sadder is to watch marriages implode every season (PS. I called it from day one that Bethenney and Jason Hoppy were never going to make it as well as Ramona and her husband - next up to divorce are Phaedra and Apollo - you heard it here first!) Vicki and Don. The Countess and the Count. Nene and Gregg (only to be remarried in a later season). Adrienne and Paul. Porsha and Kordell (everyone saw that coming!) Frasier and Camille!

I could go on...I could talk about the ridiculous attempts at singing careers made (Kim Zolciak is still the worst, with Gretchen Rossi a close second - never mind they are tied for first - who told them they could sing?), the silly attempts at launching their own product lines (Gretchen Rossi again here - holy hideous bags, and Lynn with those insane cuff bracelets) and all of the cast members who are now bankrupt, but I must go watch last night's RH of Bev Hills because I need to see what the crazy pants Carlton is upset about now. Actually I shouldn't bring up her name because she might cast a spell on me!

Thursday, February 6, 2014

I just had to share this funny moment...

Tonight the girls were playing quietly in the playroom, so I went to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of wine. Dinner was in the oven, I had a long day...I deserved some vino.

As soon as the cork made the lovely popping noise Val screams, "MAMA!!"

Tell me that my 17 month old knows me by the sound of a cork popping.

Mother of the year!!!