Sitters and Background Checks

As someone who has used both SitterCity and Care.com to find sitters, today’s article on Boston.com, about the Newton teacher charged last week with possession of pornography who had listed on both sites confirmed what I had long suspected, a background check is no guarantee of a sitter’s qualifications.

In fact, one of my trusted sitters had raised this point with me just weeks ago when she noted that, as a sitter posting on both sites, the background checks, in her words, simply confirmed her address and not much else.

So, if we can’t rely on background checks , how do we, as parents, find sitters that we can trust?

First, I trust sitters that are regularly hired by friends and family. No, I am not recommending (nor do I) poach sitters but, situations change. Children get older, sitters’ schedules change and needs for coverage evolve. Sometimes, a sitter may be looking for extra hours as a family cuts back. These are sitters that I trust based on their long-term relationship with another family or friend that I know.

Second, I look for sitters that have some type of affiliation in my neighborhood. Perhaps they live down that the street, or work in one of the local shops or attend a local school. Again, while there are no guarantees, they are a committed part of the community and that raises my trust factor.

Third (and the case in Newton does counter this assumption), on SitterCity or Care.com, I have generally hired sitters who are teachers because they have had a CORI (criminal record) check and are part of a trusted educational institution. Again, it is that assumption that was clearly put into question with this recent charge, however, I would like to believe that this was an extraordinary exception to the rule and not the standard.

We teach our kids about “stranger danger” and I think that assumption holds true with sitters. Whenever possible, use your network to find someone who has a personal connection to you or to your community. Background checks are no guarantee of the qualifications of a sitter.

Bullying Encounter and Some Cracker Jack To Go!

Now that we are deep into the Indian winter and with nowhere to go, we finally joined the Children's Museum. I took my son, I'll call him G, last week to check out the Creative Play Space area for kids three and under. As we parked our Uppababy in the stroller lot I immediately felt warm and fuzzy when I saw the huge play area with a train station, a kitchen station, a whole climbing maze and just plenty of space where my fifteen-month old could go crazy with little worry that something could go terribly wrong. First we checked out one of the side areas where they had magnet day. It was fun and educational as long as no one flung one of the metal objects meant for magnetism across the room. Five minutes later my son spotted the train area and I followed behind him. There were a few kids playing and my son enjoyed one lonely train that he pushed back and forth on his little plot of track where he parked himself. I sat happily on one of benches and watched. A child who seemed to be three if not older approached G and abruptly took the train away from him. G had never quite experienced this before from a bigger kid (and my kid is pretty big for his age) so he started to pout and tears filled his little brown eyes. I went over and nicely asked the bigger boy to share and he reluctantly gave me the train back. I looked around for a parent or a nanny or anyone of authority for this boy and nothing. Weird. A few minutes later the boy came back and this time tried to shove G out of the way. To this Latina mama's delight, my little dude held on tightly to his space, looked at the boy straight in the eye and uttered a loud and scruffy "mmm," serious baby talk for "no." I beamed proudly at my son but I was still worried that the boy would come back for more bullying. So he did and this time with more aggression. I immediately went over and sat next to G to protect him from being shoved. Even with me there, the boy still tried pushing G and I looked around yet again for anyone watching this child. Nothing. After a while the boy gave up and G continued to play.

I have to say that I was a bit disturbed with the whole situation. This is the first time we had experienced anything like this and I imagine there will be many more. But what really bothers me is that the bigger boy may be growing up to be a bully and there is no one to teach him differently, now, when it matters. What if he grows up to be one of those kids who bullies a weaker child to the breaking point? Bad for everyone. We've all read horror stories. All week I have thought about how important it is to teach my child early on to share and not shove and not pick on the little ones or anyone else. It's a matter of raising a child with the awareness that he or she is not the center of the universe (except for mine) and that respect and compassion are both part of sharing.

Anyway, I was originally going to post a yummy recipe but then this incident happened and I had to rant about it. But I can't leave without first telling you about a great treat I had that very same day after the bullying drama. I am glad I had it in the car because I munched on it all the way home and it calmed my nerves: Snacker Jacks Popcorn by Little Lad's. It is my go to Cracker Jack but without all the bad stuff and only the good stuff. It contains sesame tahini, molasses and non GMO popcorn. And yes, sesame seeds have more calcium than milk, or so the label claims. I don't do dairy so this sounds gospel to me.

You can find Snacker Jacks at Whole Foods in the chips section. They really should called it cracker crack cause it's addictive!

Stay tuned for some mostly vegan, always vegetarian and gluten-free recipes that I will post soon. Tabatha, aka, the foodini at Kitchen To Nirvana.

Landed Gentry, II

So in part I, I talked about the wonderful world of snooping around people's hosues that is called a house hunt.

We chose...the house with the mother of pearl toilet seat in the powder room, a mirrored wall in the den, and a wall-to-wall leopard print carpet in the master bedroom.  Scary? A bit. Nevertheless, it spoke to me.  It was otherwise in great condition and really, you can get new carpet and paint very easily.

Since this is our first home purchase, I don't know what one's usual experience is with price negotiation (except what I have learned by watching Sandra Rinomato on HGTV).  I'm sure a lot of readers will snicker at my naivete, but our situation was ridiculous:

The house was listed at $X, which we originally planned to offer. But our realtor convinced us to offer $X-5 because we were told that other offers had been $X-20 and $X-15.

We waited, tense, for the response.  Then we heard back...they wanted $X+20!

Have you ever heard of such a move? We thought it was crazy.  After a huddle, we went back with $X. 

Then while we waited, our agent found some more information - apparently, the property owners had been trying out "range pricing," which is probably familiar to Boston readers but maybe not those outside the area. (Here is some background: http://www.zillow.com/wikipages/Variable-or-Value-Range-Pricing-for-Homes/).  This was very popular a few years ago as the housing boom here wound down, as sellers tried all kinds of ways to get higher prices for their homes. 

Somewhere in the MLS listing, but not on the online listing, was noted that they were "accepting offers between $X and $X+30."  Mystery solved - they thought their house was listed at $X+30 and thought our offer was way too low. 

Apparently, the range pricing is done to generate buyer interest, but I didn't like it because I felt a little deceived by the property owners, who all had looked so nice in their family photos. 

On the other hand, this trickiness turned out to be better for us.  I only got a B in Bargaining and Negotiations in business school, but even so, I can tell that this process was stupid from the seller's point of view because:

a) By posting the lowest price, my husband and I "anchored low" (as my B&N professor would have put it).  Indeed, most experienced sales people show shoppers the most expensive thing first so that propsective buyers "anchor high" and are more willing to pay a higher price.

b) Had they anchored high with us, we would probably have made a different, possibly higher initial offer, so they probably left some money on the table.

and c) Probably some people walked away (the $X-20 and $X-15 people, certainly) because they were both surprised by and had no intention of paying the higher price, so they wasted a lot of people's time.

Anyway, all's well that ends well.  Their counteroffer was $X+10, which we accepted.  We had the home inspected, and that went well, and are now in the process of explaining the move to the Duchess, who is a little skeptical.
To be continued...

Hiring a Full-Time Nanny – First Impressions

As with almost all the needs of children, the type of care that you require comes in various phases. When I was pregnant with our daughter, I knew that we would need someone full-time when I returned to work so this person would have a significant influence on our daughter’s life. I remember reaching out through exploring various resources, including nanny agencies (charging a finder’s fee), on-line listing services and local postings. I had a hard time justifying the finder’s fee of the agencies because there never seemed to be a guarantee (or refund) if the sitter quit after just a few months. Given that I’ve hired employees in the past, I also felt confident that I could successfully check references and complete the background check of anyone we would consider.

I didn’t have luck with the listing services, the process just seemed too removed and I was really looking for someone who had a connection, preferably in our neighborhood. So, when I saw a couple of postings at The Red Wagon, our neighborhood children’s store, I followed up on them.

In particular, I recall two interviews. Never having raised an infant, I was really curious to know what the nanny would do with the baby all day. So, I asked that very question. The first nanny prospect said that she would cuddle with the baby. OK, I liked that answer. The second nanny prospect said that even at an early age, a baby can distinguish black and white images and that she would devote time each day to this “play” period. I was really impressed with that answer. It showed initiative, understanding of a baby’s cognitive abilities and a plan to not be a “passive sitter” but to actively engage our daughter. We hired the second nanny who was with our daughter through the age of four.

Interesting Reads 2.21.12

I've decided to attempt to do a weekly post containing interesting reads from the week I have found on the interweb. Here is my first crack at it! Enjoy

- This article on what to do when you daughter thinks she is fat (and only 7!) brought tears to my eyes. So perfectly written.

- A father heads to a parenting workshop to become a better parents (maybe stop using the F word so much buddy) in this article, which is a little crude, but totally relatable.

- Here are 10 questions you never want your kid to ask

- An amazing honest article about being a parent. You don't always have to Carpe Diem.

It's OK to have online friends

I admit it, as a SAHM, I get lonely. I crave adult conversation more than I ever thought I would. When I was working as a teacher, I couldn’t wait to stop talking once I got home. Now the opposite is true.

My twins don’t even talk to me that much. They have their own secret language. They can talk to each other for hours, and I honestly feel a bit left out. I don’t know what they are saying, but they do and they are perfectly happy to be in their own world. The specialists tell us they should enjoy this time with their own language. My husband is at work all day, and when he comes home, I bombard him to share the details of his day so I can have an interactive, engaging conversation. He, on the other hand, just wants to quietly decompress.

Enter online friendships. I NEVER thought I would have “online” friends. Friends that I never met in person?!?! This idea was insanity for an overly neurotic person like myself who could just imagine the crazy possibilities. A coworker once told me she was meeting up with her online friends for the day. I looked at her with barely disguised horror. I was wrong and I apologize sincerely to her for my reaction. These days, online forums and chat rooms, consume many websites. I joined one of the most popular websites for parenting when I found out I was pregnant with twins. Lo and behold, they had an online group for parents expecting the same month as me.

The group has dwindled down to twenty or so parents who continually check in. We have daily chats about our days, angst about our families and our latest toddler twin antics, discuss TV shows and headline news, give feedback on the latest open houses one attended, share recipes, and divulge some details about our lives that I probably wouldn’t discuss in person with my “real-life” friends. While we “know” each other after sharing almost 3 years as an online group, there is also that veil of anonymity that lets you be more open and more truthful. They provide a neutral sounding board; more so than the judgments of your more locally involved friends that know the minutia of your everyday lives.

As a result, I’ve learned it’s okay to have online friends, and in fact, I am truly grateful for them. As a SAHM, it’s kept me sane, has engaged my brain with more than toddler speak, and has allowed me to be less overbearing when my crazy busy husband walks through the door. Actually, I think it’s also one of the best choices I’ve made as a SAHM as it’s an outlet for me to BE ME.

-Mama x2

Tastes great, less allergenic: Fish Taco Night!

Some people say to me, "The poor Duchess. She can't eat anything! What do you feed her?" When I first found out about her abundant allergies to dairy, wheat, egg, peanuts/tree nuts and shellfish (well, okay, clams, but we're avoiding all shellfish for now), I thought the same thing.  For example, I went out and bought a vegan cookbook, only to find that it uses both wheat and copious amounts of peanuts/tree nuts.  Recently, I thought I scored when I found a dairy-free, wheat-free book, but its recipes not only had nuts, but also eggs. 

So along with modifying recipes (the easiest are Asian dishes), I've made up some of my own. Although "allergy free," I think that lots of kids (including the 41-year-old kid known as The Grump) would enjoy them.  So here is my first stab at recipe sharing.  If you try them, let me know how you liked them - and how you modified them.

Tonight we had a fun dish of fish tacos.  My favorite thing about them is that they are more assembly than cooking, so take about 15-20 minutes to go from freezer to table.

Shopping List:

Box of battered fish pieces or sticks (I use the kind that are allergy free)
Corn tortillas
Avocado
Shredded carrot and red cabbage (save time - just get it at the salad bar at the store)

Sauce: (optional)
Yogurt or sour cream
Spices (Sometimes you can find a fish taco spice mix, otherwise, use chili powder, garlic powder, salt and cumin).

Optional:
Shredded cheese

Follow box directions to bake fish.  Meanwhile, use cooking spray to coat a griddle or similar to medium heat.  Also use cooking spray to coat each side of as many corn tortillas as you think you will want to eat (Tip: Do this over the sink for easy clean-up).  Toast each side of corn tortillas for a minute or two until they are pliable but not crispy.  Put on a paper towel on a plate to drain.

Chunk up avocado. 

Sauce: This is the cheat. If you were really making fish tacos you would coat a fillet of fish with interesting spices and grill, then top with a sour cream sauce.  By putting the spices in the sauce, you can better control how spicy/flavorful you're making your dinner. Just add spices to taste to sour cream or plain yogurt. To be honest, this tastes a little weird with the soy yogurt, so I've been passing on it, but I think if you used regular plain yogurt it would be yummy.

Everything should basically be ready around the same time.  Serve by smushing avocado on the tortilla, then top with fish piece, carrot, cabbage, cheese (if using) and a dollop of sauce (if using).   You could even make it into a taco bar depending upon how old and dextrous your little ones are.

Infertile Myrtle: A Festivus Miracle

I just looked at the Blog Dashboard (where we edit posts, manage settings, etc.) and noticed that this post will be our 500th post! So what better way to celebrate two and half years of Boston Baby Mama, and our 500th post that sharing a little secret.

Now let me tell you, I am not the best at keeping secrets. If someone tells me something juicy and asks me not to share it, I will of course keep my mouth shut, but one look at my face and you know I have something that I want to spill. Well, the last two months I have been keeping a secret from my family, friends and my loyal BBM readers...

There is a bun in Mama J's oven!

After our second failed IVF attempt (one canceled cycle, one failed implantation) in November I was all set to take off a month and start over with a third round. My doctor took me off all my meds and I thought I wouldn't be hearing from her for a couple months. Well, after I got my period I had a very long chat with her, as I was so depressed and needed to have some glimmer of hope that it would actually work at some point for us. We came to the conclusion that my body most likely does not respond to the pharmaceutical estrogen I had been on, and we needed to see what would happen when I was free of medicine.

I went in for blood and u/s two weeks later (not having taken any meds) and lo and behold my uterine lining was twice the size it had ever gotten while on the meds! So without telling any family or friends, we scheduled an IVF for the following Monday. I had one of our previously frozen embryos implanted, and then we waited two weeks...

And on my birthday in December I found out that it actually took. It was the best birthday/Christmas present I could have asked for.

Of course as the news of my pregnancy sunk in I started to freak out as the whole idea of two kids scares the crap out of me. And I am getting little bouts of anxiety daily about it, but I assume that is the norm as having two children is so much harder than the one I am used to.

My life is going to be turned upside down but I am excited about this whole adventure, and look forward to sharing everything with all of you!!

One last point I want to leave you with - if you are experiencing fertility issues as we have, talk to your doctor about ALL possible options, including a med-free cycle. When I met with my IVF doc last week for the last time she explained to me that her colleagues wanted her to talk to me about looking for a gestational carrier (or surrogate) as they didn't see any hope with me actually getting pregnant. Well, my fantastic doctor (Dr. Rachel Ashby @ Brigham & Womens, Boston) wasn't going to give up hope, and here I am feeling like I want to throw up all day and looking at baby names.

It is a Festivus Miracle!

PS. Due in August :)

Get Crafty: Doorway Puppet Theater

Last year, my sister-in-law made a beautiful doorway puppet theater for my nieces using this article from Country Living. I loved it so much I had taken a stab at it and made one as a gift for a friend's daughter's birthday. I had always meant to make one for H, but never got around to it. Now that it's finally gotten cold here in Boston and we're stuck inside, I decided it was time to make a new one - but I wanted to make it the easiest and cheapest way possible.

Mama J's 25 bits of advice for daughters (and some for sons too)

This past week I saw a bunch of people post links on Facebook to posts on parenting blogs (some serious, some jokes) about "rules" for parents of daughters and sons. Then there was the "rules for dads of daughters" and someone brought back the classic Tina Fey "prayer for her daughter." So I figured I would do a post in the same vein as these other posts, but with my own spin on it...using my mistakes to prevent my daughter from future embarrassment and regret - or as I like to call them "moments of my life that give me the icks when I think about them."

So here goes...Mama J's advice for daughter's (and some apply to sons too) everywhere:

1. Don't drink Long Island Ice Teas. Nothing good will happen if you do. When I first started drinking at bars in college I had no idea what to order. I had had a few beers and wine coolers in my day, but never a cocktail, so I ordered what I had heard of...a Long Island Iced Tea. They are a disgusting tasting drink composed of like 7 different liquors which should never be in the same glass together, with a splash of Coke. They give you a terrible hangover, after what will most likely be a night you will regret. Stay away from them all together...which leads me to my next bit of advice...

2. Pace yourself when you drink. It takes a few minutes for alcohol to kick in, so don't just keep drinking because you don't feel anything. It will come. It is ok to enjoy a few cocktails, just don't be that girl who gets sloppy drunk and does things she regrets in the morning!

this looks better than my hair did

3. Don't dye your hair blond at home. You will never have hair the color of the person's on the box. Especially if you start with brown hair. It will turn out school bus yellow, after burning the crap out of your scalp for 15 minutes. If you must, have it done professionally, but remember it costs money to maintain. Stay brunette if you are brunette.

4. Don't let anyone touch you that you don't want touching you. You are no one's property, no one has the right to hurt you. If you are uncomfortable in a situation, get out of it quick. If it is a boyfriend that is doing this to you, he doesn't love you...get out of it quick.

5. Don't be afraid to speak up in class. I was petrified to speak up in class in college. The classes were big, the teachers intimidating, but that didn't mean I didn't know the answers 90% of the time. And because I wouldn't speak up I would always get called on when I didn't know the answer. If you know the answer - speak up! If you have a question - speak up! Let your voice be heard.

NOT OK

6. Always wear a bra. Unless you are basically flat chested, there is no excuse not to wear a bra (and daughter of mine, you will not be flat chested if dna has anything to do with boob size). Tank tops with a "built in shelf bra" do not count as bras. I went through the warm months of college wearing these hideous things, and every photo I have of myself my boobs are the first thing I notice. Not good. Wear a bra. The only people you are attracting when you don't are crazy horny boys. They will be looking bra or not, so don't give them an excuse to stare!

7. Be nice to everyone. This one is pretty self explanatory. I was the type of person that was friends with everyone in high school and college. You never know how people's lives are going to turn out, just be friendly to everyone. Never make fun of anyone's physical appearance or behaviors. There is always something on you that they could make fun of right back, so just be nice!