My Very Honest Resume

It's something everyone has been asked when they were little, and something I have asked both my kids on numerous occasions. No, not "did you flush the potty after you pooped?" I am talking about "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

When I was around 5 years old, I wanted to be a singer and an actress. A few years later it was all about marine biology after I saw Stark Trek 4 - the one when they return to earth to save the whales, also known as the best one of course (Kahn, Shmahn). Then I discovered my love of drawing fashion and designing clothes (on paper). When I got into dance more seriously I wanted to be a professional dancer, and then after taking an advanced Bio class in high school I thought, for a hot second, that I wanted to be a doctor. 

Modeling some of my jewels...
oh to look like I did back in 2007. Damn you kids!! I blame you!

I went to college and didn't declare a major until junior year. I was in the business school, which I had no business being in (yuck yuck) in the first place, and decided on the most creative of the majors - marketing. I was an idiot. I didn't want to work in marketing when I graduated, but that is where I ended up, and that is the field I worked in my entire (all 5 years of it) professional life. During that time in the corporate world I had a side business of designing jewelry, and I loved it. I loved working with my hands, I loved making "bead magic" as I would call it when I made something of which I was truly proud. And when I saw how much other people loved my designs, and how much they were willing to pay for them, I quit my desk job and did the jewelry thing full time.

And then kids came. 

I have been lucky enough to be a stay at home mom for the past 6.5 years, and wouldn't change that for the world. I love being a mom. I love being CEO of our family (hubs is CFO fo sho) and taking care of my girls and my husband. It's my jam.

But along with all my family CEO duties, I need to have a creative outlet or I will go bonkers. I need to use my hands, to get crafty, to create. I need to draw, or paint, or take photos, or make movies, make dolls, or bake and decorate cakes or arrange flowers...I need to have my creative juices flowing and pumping and get my hands dirty.

Cake I made for Val's 3rd birthday last year.
Looks better than it tasted!

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my path in life, reason being in the past few months a handful of my stay at home mom friends have either gone back to some sort of work (be it full or part time) or are planning to go back to work in the near future. I had a conversation with one of these women the other day and she asked me, "would you ever consider going back to work?" And I didn't really know how to answer that. I never ever ever want to be sitting in an office behind a desk again - that isn't me. Would I want to make jewelry again? Maybe, but I don't get the butterflies that I used to when I think about creating jewelry. What would I do? Sell some of my crafts? Open an Etsy store to sell my dolls and drawings? Perhaps. Start a cake baking business out of our kitchen? Who knows. 

All of these thoughts got me started thinking about my resume. I haven't had an actual resume for 11 years, but if I had to put an honest one together, here is how it would go (oh and imagine it on some sort of amazing hand made paper, and my name would be vertically printed down the side in some artsy font...because I am an asshole):  

Job History

1990s - random babysitting jobs that I hated, but my parents made me take. I did not like kids. 

1997-98 - The Gap - only took this job because I had a psycho controlling boyfriend who didn't want me to go out with my friends on the weekends and have fun, so I opted to take a job instead of continuing to make excuses not to go out with them. Every penny I made went back into Gap, dinners at the Cheesecake Factory next-door to Gap or to cab rides home. 

1998 (summer) - Camp counselor. I liked kids by this point, and I especially liked hot male counselor that I got to ogle all summer long (psycho boyfriend still in picture unfortunately).

1998 (fall) - Walt Disney World College Program - I worked on Main Street in the Magic Kingdom. I wore a batshit crazy old-timey costume and got paid about $4 a hour, but it was the best job of my life. Still friends with the nut jobs that I worked with, and owe them more than they know as they helped me get up the courage to break up with psycho boyfriend and really begin my life!

1999 (summer) - unpaid internship at party planning company. Only thing I remember about this is dying my hair school bus yellow before a party we threw in Newport and being yelled at by boss.

2000 - Sales associate at the Boston Red Sox. I got paid about $6 an hour, but had the best summer/fall of my life. Oh and I met my hot husband at this job, and the rest as they say, is history. 

2000 - I take the worst job of my life, which required me to be at work at 5 AM (not ideal for a 22 year old who liked to go out all the time) sit at a desk in a hotel lobby and pressure people into taking a tour of a timeshare. This job lasted two months. 

2001- I take the second worst job of my life, which required me to sit at a desk at a staffing agency and lie to people on the phone about my company having jobs they were perfect for, and then scheduling these poor desperate souls to come in for interviews...and yes there were a handful of people who screamed at me for lying to them on the phone. 

2002 - I take a marketing job at a large marekting/advertising agency. I work in client services. I love the people I work with, but hate the work I am doing. I am desperate for something creative. Why did I major in Marketing???

2005 - After many successful jewelry shows, I quit my job for jerks and go out on the road full time selling my jewelry. I am not only designing my jewelry but marketing it to stores (I got into Bloomingdales), showing it at jewelry shows, creating all my marketing materials (business cards, tags, bags, postcards, etc.) as well as maintaining my website and managing all of my inventory and finances. Oh wait, maybe college degree did come in handy? 

2009 - Present. Mom aka CEO of household, cook, housekeeper, doer of laundry, chauffeur, teacher, to name a few of my daily hats I wear. The most important job I have ever had, and honestly the best - although sometimes I close my eyes when my kids are screaming at me and picture myself back in the Magic Kingdom, late at night when it was empty and I was standing in the middle of Main Street looking at the castle, all by myself like I was in a dream...that was a good job...but I love my kids...I love my kids. 

Skills

- perfect spiral thrower

- pinning things to Pinterest

- dance party starter, dance-off challenger, and overall very sweaty dancer

- doing voices - especially anything voiced by Frank Oz, as they all pretty much sound the same

- advanced intermediate piano player, including composing little ditties with good chord progression

- drawing bodies and clothing, but don't ask me to draw a face...ever

- decorating cakes - they might not taste great but damn will they look awesome on the outside

- arranging flowers

- party and play date planning - yes, there are wine and cheese at both when they are at my house

- felt flower and doll making

- recipe reading and interpreting (aka cooking from a recipe)

- Instagram posting

- lifestyle photography and videography - specializing in photos of my kids and their friends

- editing said photos and videos into short movies, scored by previously mentioned piano compositions

- binge watching television shows on my computer

- checking One Kings Lane, Joss & Main and Rue La La on a daily basis for furniture and decor for my house, but never actually buying anything - just pinning...I am good at that

- shopping for clothes for my kids - I may look like a bearded man who hasn't showered in three days, but kids have to look on point

- stealthily listening to my favorite podcast, Watch What Crappens, using my bluetooth headphones, while I am doing dishes or making dinner or "playing" with my kids. If you love the Housewives you need to listen to Ronnie and Ben dahlings!

- picking at my pores in my magnifying mirror and debating whether or not to get Botox in my crease between my eyes. The answer is no...for now. 

- sculpting of people and food out of Play Doh - but not letting my children touch them

- building castles out of legos

Yeah, so...what am I actually qualified to do? Be a mom and a great wife. A creative, crafty mom. Who might open up an Etsy store and sell some of the things she has made over the past few months. That is, after I watch all of Kimmy Schmidt, finish pinning things to Pinterest, shop for some more clothes for my kids, plan my next dinner party...pretty much just do what I do on a daily basis, and how lucky does that make me? 

What else have I learned from this exercise? That when my girls are ready for college they should actually study what they are interested in! Not waste their time learning about something they think they should do, but actually devote their time, and our money, to studying something they are passionate about. Damn college is wasted on the young...but that is an entirely different post for another time!

Cheers. 

Where I Find "My People"

Being a stay at home mom can be lonely, especially when both your kids are in school. You get them up, get them dressed, feed them, pack their lunches, argue with them about not watching tv before school, get their school stuff together, bundle them up, strap them in the car, drop them off at their respective schools...and then you are by yourself. 

You have responsibilities, like errands and things around the house, but you don't have a job to go to and a boss to whom you report. If I wanted, I guess I could sit on the couch all day and watch tv and eat Bon Bons. But I don't, and I don't know another stay at home mom who does.

So as not to feel so lonely you are pushed over the edge, it is important for someone like me to be part of a community, It is important to surround yourself with likeminded individuals, who share the same interests. Some people do this through church. Some people have weekly book clubs. Some people do this through mom groups. Some people get very involved in their kid's school. Some people do this through exercise classes (I had my first experience with SoulCycle last week and I have words...but that is for another post).

My community is a little unconventional.

Sure I have the people I see at the gym every morning, and I have mom friends that I meet for lunch, and play dates, as well as being an active parent at both of my children's school, but I tend to find my peace and "my people" through a different, more convenient, outlet.

I am a very creative person - I need to do something creative every day or I feel funny, or empty. Whether it is taking photos, writing, playing the piano, making dolls in my studio, decorating my house, arranging flowers - something needs to stimulate the right side of my brain on a daily basis. To satisfy this creative need, and my need for a creative community, I take online photography classes. I know this sounds strange, but through The Define School of online photography I have met some amazing, creative, similar individuals. By "met" I mean I met the online - I have never actually met these people in real life. That alone sounds really weird, especially to my parents generation I am sure.

Each of the classes I have taken (I think I have 6 under my belt - each 4 weeks) are led by the most ridiculously talented and inspiring women, who have pushed my creative boundaries and made me the "Unapologetic Artist" (also the name of my favorite class I have taken at Define, taught by my dear friend Carolyn Mara Harris, who is also the most bold and brilliant artist I have ever come across - check her out on Instagram @carolyn_mara) that I am today.

one of my shots from my Unapologetic Artist Class

Each time I take class there I am giddy with excitement when it starts, and teary-eyed when it ends. If you are like me and want to be part of something amazing with creative women and men all over the world, please check out The Define School.

Now, this second place I find "my people" is a place that I never thought I would EVER touch with a ten foot pole. I am not one for spiritual thoughts or beliefs. I am fine with others believing and practicing their religions, but I don't believe that there is an almighty being who is watching us and judging us and responsible for our behavior and whatnot. I don't believe the words in the bible should be taken as law, but rather a bunch of stories, some with valuable lessons and themes, others just pure crazy fiction.

With that said, I do feel that we all have an energy around and in us, and that there are certain things we can do to shift and move that energy for the positive.

Last year was a tough one for my family, with losses on both sides, illnesses, injuries and just over all bad luck. A friend of mine, and past teacher at Define, happen to post something on Facebook that a friend of her's commented on. That friend happen to be the actress Carrie-Anne Moss of Matrix (and now Jessica Jones) fame. I inquired how they knew each other and my friend pointed me to Carrie-Anne's website, Annapurnaliving.com. At the time Annapurna was offering a 10-day simple meditation course.

Meditation? Chanting and humming and that baloney? Not for me...or is it?

I needed something calming and positive in my life. I needed way to control the stress and anxiety I was starting to feel. I needed a little quiet in my life. I am not one to shy away from trying new things, so I signed up. And boy am I glad I did.

Carrie-Anne is this magical human being. The kind of human being that I wish I was. She is so at peace in her life, and so deep in her thoughts and just the type of person that I really want to be. Every day she would send us a video with some inspirational words, and every day I would anxiously await the ding from my computer telling me I had new mail, hoping it was from Carrie-Anne. I couldn't wait for my kids to go to school and husband to go to work so I could sit on my sheepskin and just "tune in."

This month Carrie-Anne launched The Fierce Grace Collective. As soon as the first email announcing this community/collective (whatever you want to call it) was sent out, I knew I had to be a part of it. For a tiny monthly fee, you join an online community of like-minded women, seeking spiritual support and calming guidance, led by the ethereal Carrie-Anne. We practice our mediation daily (a new one each week), have creative prompts (things to write in a journal about, or even something you can photograph and share) and nightly visualizations (this is where you lay down and listen to Carrie-Anne's calming voice share some of her wisdom and guidance).

At the moment there are about 200 of us, literally all over the globe. There is an online community where we are able to share thoughts and feelings with each other too...and you know I have thoughts and feelings!

Many of these women are stay at home moms like me, looking for some direction in their lives, trying to figure out what is next, so I am excited to get to know them and be on this journey with them.

"My people" might not be able to meet me for tea, as they are scattered all over the globe, and I have never met most of them in person, but we share common interests and passions and are like-minded individuals, and that is all that matters to me. I have real friends in my life, people I see on a daily basis, and talk to on the phone, but I just so happens to have a lot of friends that I can only communicate with through a screen! Welcome to 2016!

Where do you find your people???

...Wash me in the water

"If you are comfortable in your life, then you really aren't living..." - ME (I will explain below!)

I am honored to say I among a privileged group of ladies that has had the opportunity to get in front of the uber talented Michelle Gardella's camera as part of her River Story project. Here is a sneak peek at the amazing results: 

www.michellegardella.com, Michelle Gardella Photographer

I know, right? Amazing!!

So about the day...

I traveled down to Conncecticut and had my make-up done by super talented Julie Rondini of Simply Gorgeous by Erin Make-Up, then drove about an hour into the country and met Michelle at our rendezvous point by the Salmon River. When I pulled into the parking area where we were to meet I was incredibly nervous. Like stomach churning before a dance performance nervous. I was about to get into an evening gown in the woods and travel into a flowing river in the middle of nowhere with a stranger. Who does this? 

But as soon as Michelle and I started talking, I started to immediately relax. She has this presence about her - a calming force - that makes you feel like you have known her for 20 years as soon as you meet her. 

The florist who did my floral crown, Jakki of Jakkelyn Iris Flowers, met us, fitted my crown and then off we drove to what Michelle calls a place where the "whispers of our ancient Grandmothers are undeniable." Awesome. 

The weather was a perfect 74 degrees. The sun was setting and casting a glow like I had never seen. The river water was warm and inviting...and in I went. 

As soon as I entered the water a hawk flew over Michelle and I...then another large bird...then a fish jumped out of the water...then a dragonfly almost landed on my head. I was like Mother Nature calling all my children to me. It was incredible. 

Here we were in this magical setting, just the two of us exploring the natural ebbs and flows of the river and sharing an hour together that I will never forget. We talked about our kids, our families, our daily lives. We laughed about what our bodies have become after having children. We talked about our struggles and stresses. We shared time that I will never forget. 

I told Michelle I was up for doing absolutely anything she wanted me to do in the river, so she had me do some underwater shots. Just looking at this photo makes me want to drive back to the river and dive in!

Michelle Gardella Photographer, www.michellegardella.com

I truly believe that if you are comfortable in your life, you aren't really living...let me explain. 

The idea of this photo shoot gave me butterflies. At first they were exciting butterflies, but the closer I got to the date, it was more like sick to my stomach butterflies. I was nervous about the whole situation - being in a remote location by myself, being gone the whole day from my kids, getting hurt while in the river, having the photos not turn out, etc. - for days before the actual shoot. But look at the results (and these are the only two photos I have seen so far)! And every time I think about the experience it makes me incredibly happy - that I did something for myself, that I did something I have never done before, that I met someone I will never forget, that she made me feel like I was truly a beautiful person and not just a stay at home mom who wears yoga pants every day. 

It's the same with other things in my life, whether it be going out to dinner with people I have never met before, or attending an event with my husband, starting a new class with one of my kids, showing my jewelry at a show, talking in front of other parents at my kid's school. All of these things make me nervous for days in advance, but after the fact, they all bring me joy and make me realize that all that worrying was for nothing. 

I could just go about my daily life, not sign up for anything at my kid's school, not attend events with my husband, not put my talents out there to be judged, stay home on the couch instead of going out and doing new things, but what kind of life would that be? No life at all. 

I challenge you to find your own version of a River Story photo shoot! Find something you have been wanting to do, and instead of putting it off because it would make you uncomfortable, just do it! Sign up for that half marathon! Take that cooking class! Go on that girl's weekend trip! Go out to dinner with those parents you like from your kids school - you could be making a friend for a lifetime! 

Or, schedule your own River Story photo shoot with Michelle Gardella. It is an experience of a life time - until I meet her again next summer in the river with my mother and daughters!! 

Take me to the river...wash me in the water!

Sunday Night Soak

Something incredible happened tonight...something that has never happened before...

Both of my kids were in bed before 6.

6 o'clock, I say!!!

What does a Mama do when her kids are asleep by 6, and her husband is working late (yes on a Sunday)?

Take a bath.

I seriously can't remember the last time I took a bath. Maybe before I had Val? Two years ago??

We have a fairly large bath tub in our master bathroom that serves the sole purpose of collecting the hair that falls out of my head when I blow my hair dry. Yes, I cleaned out said hair before I took a bath tonight.

This tub also only gets cleaned once every 3 weeks by our cleaning ladies, so it gets pretty dusty and hairy over those 3 weeks, so if I ever want to take a bath I have to time it so it is a within a few days of when the cleaning ladies are here so that it is really clean. I know what you are thinking, why don't you just clean it yourself and use it more often? Because by the time I realize I might actually have time to take a bath, I don't have the time to clean the bath tub and take a bath...you get me? Sure you do, you are a mom.

But tonight the kids were asleep more than an hour before they usually are, I don't have dinner to make for my husband and I, the baby shower I have been preparing for in all my spare time was yesterday, I don't have any decision to be made on the house at the moment, and our cable box in the family room is on the fritz...bath time!

Let me make you even more jealous by telling you how great this bath was...

30 minutes of warm bubbly goodness. 30 minutes of uninterrupted silence. 30 minutes of awesome.

I forgot how rejuvenating it can be to soak in silence. Sounds so silly but it is so true! Every day I take a 3-4 minute rushed shower while Val is napping. I might have a minute or two of extra time here and there to stand under the blazing hot water and have a moment to myself (I don't mean any funny business, just me doing nothing), but taking this 30 minutes to myself to relax and unwind (especially after a weekend where I was out on the town until 1 AM both nights - more on that in the next post) was truly heavenly (as my grandmother Ming used to say - she was also a lover of baths.)

I think I might make this a weekly ritual - a Sunday Night Soak. And I think all you other overworked, stressed out Mamas should do the same. Find that 30 minutes at the end of the week to have some peace and quiet to yourself. Have dad put the kids to bed and unwind in a hot bath, close your eyes and soak up the silence. It is awesome.

Mama J = Slacker

I am sitting at my computer listening to Val scream her head off upstairs in her crib, and M barking like a seal in her bedroom. It is one of those days...

I've had a lot of lattes as of late

Val is at the tail end of a cold, and M at the beginning and was diagnosed with croup at the doctors today. Speaking of the doctors, we have been to the doctors office four times in the last four weeks due to illness! Four times! Val had croup, then they both had strep, and now M has croup and Val is at the end of a head cold/getting all four incisors at the same time. Good times.

We can't seem to shake the illnesses in our house. For months at least one of us has been sick - I have been in some state of sick for over a month now. I think it is largely due to the fact that we have been housebound for about 4 months now here in New England due to this insanely cold weather. Our home is like an incubator for the flu virus - coughing on each other, sneezing in faces (kids not me) and wiping snot on various surfaces. Oh and constantly swapping spit by drinking out of each other's drink vessels.

Needless to say M is home from school again today. I bribed her with a trip for ice cream (even though it is about 30 degrees outside) so that she would go lay down in her room for a while and hopefully take a nap. Val has been sleeping terribly lately so she is a cranky mess and is refusing to shut her eyes. Mama needs a break (and some more caffeine) - a break to start crossing off the 100+ items on my every growing list.

I sat down today and made a list of the things I need to do - things I have been putting off for days/weeks. On my personal to-do list I have 15 things, but on my decisions for new house I have 79. 79 decisions that need to be made, over the next 3-4 months, pretty much by me, as Hubs doesn't really care when it comes to design/look of house. Not a terrible position to be in, I know, as I spend pretty much all my free time looking at ideas on Pinterest or in catalogs and magazines. Tough life I know!

Did you know that there are almost 40 different shades of the color white? Neither did I.

But I am not writing to complain about having to choose paint colors, I am writing because with all these superficial decisions that have become my life as of late, things are being put on the back burner that shouldn't be, like, my every day responsibilities.

Sure the kids are clothed, and fed and cared for, but I am phoning it in when it comes to dinner preparation - I think the kids have eaten more mac n' cheese in the last few weeks than ever before. Hubs and I have fallen off the wagon when it comes to eating "clean" and have ordered out more lately than we have in the entire past year. The time that I should spend on meal planning and preparation I am literally either on my iPad or my computer looking at house related ideas.

My house is a pigsty and I actually have multiple laundry hampers full of clean clothes in there that I haven't emptied in over two weeks. And about a week and a half worth of dirty laundry that is spilling out of the two hampers in front of my washing machine. There is stack of mail and bills on my desk that is about two feet high - I should probably go through it, but then I would be taking up precious time of looking at cabinet knobs online!

In the next few months I will be adding selling my current house onto my list of responsibilities, which will be another interesting adventure. I don't look forward to having to keep the house spotless for showings and driving around with kids and dog in tow during open houses, etc., all the while Hubs is insanely busy and traveling much more for work these days.

I have let the blog fall by the wayside. I seriously had big plans for 2014 - a redesign, both of content and of the layout. I had plans for giveaways. I have a list of kid crafts I wanted to try and and recipes to review, with plans of doing at least one of each of those once a week. I had blogger events I wanted to attend. But what little free time I have these days I have devoted to attempting to stay in shape (or get back into shape - I am not sure what shape I am in!) or doing things for the new house, which I never thought would take up so much of my time.

I still plan to write about some of the creative decision making for the house, and even poll you lovely people on some choices. Thought it might be cool to have some external opinions on things like room layouts and paint colors.

I apologize (again) for slacking in the posting, and hope that you, my dedicated readers, will stick with me over the next few months during this crazy adventure!

I can hear my mom now - "stop typing and go put away your laundry!"

Climbing the Peak of Life

This past weekend I gathered my college roommates at my parents summer home for a "girls weekend." Funny that we call it "girls" weekend because we are all in our mid-30s, have kids, and pretty tame - it should be called "Golden Girls Weekend." We spent most of the almost 48 hours we were together talking...and talking...and talking...and it was wonderful. We reminisced about college, and old boyfriends, we talked about motherhood and our crazy kids...and we stuffed our faces and drank good wine. It really was a great weekend.

We talked the most about being in our early 20s, as that was before we all had kids, husbands or really an responsibilities besides rent for our cheap apartments that really should have all been condemned. During one

Despite the weather we went for a walk

of the conversations one friend said, "oh to be 25 again!"

I thought about it for a second and said, "I would love to look the way I did at 25, but I would never want to be 25 again. I love being 35."

"Really?" she said, "wouldn't you want to go back to being 25, with hardly a care in the world? And know what you do now?"

"Not really. I love my life now and really wouldn't want it any other way."

My friend seemed pretty shocked that I felt this way. I went on to explain to her that I actually think my life gets better and better every year I get older. Sure, I had a wonderful time in college, and my 20s were a ton of fun, but I don't want to be that young, naive 20-something every again. I seriously love my life right now, and feel like the best is yet to come.

Another friend and I always talk about how her husband "peaked" in high school, and that he feels it has been all downhill from there. Not to say that his life is in a downward spiral or anything, as I know they have a very happy marriage, and incredibly awesome kids, but just that his glory days were 20 years ago, when he was big man on campus. His wife, my friend, feels the way that I do - that each day of her life is better than the next and that she is still on that upward climb to her life "peak." We joke that her upward moving life intersected with her husbands downward moving life (like on a chart) at the perfect time in both of their lives - hence their happy life together.

I can't help but feel a little sorry for those people that want to relive their younger days because their current days aren't bringing them the joy that they felt back in the day. I will be honest and say I don't feel that same joy, because it is a different joy all together. Back then I was having fun whenever I could - going out after work, going on adventures in the city every weekend day, working out all the time, taking impromptu trips to New York City, etc. - and those times were amazing and memorable. I was truly happy in college and in my 20s, but I am even happier now than I was then.

My husband and children complete me. I love the life that we have all built together. I wouldn't change it for anything. My friends from those days are still my friends today. We are all in different places in our lives - obviously not living together in the same mouse-infested apartment anymore, or even seeing each other as much as we would like to - but when we come back together it is just like it used to be. Ok, so we aren't downing the mixed drinks, daring each other to do things, dancing on tables or being carried home like we have on past girl's weekends...we are now enjoying what I like to call Golden Girls weekend, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Sure there are ups and downs in my life (I keep picturing the roller coaster metaphor from Parenthood movie) but I don't feel like I have actually "peaked" in life - and I think that is great! I wish all people could feel that way - to look at the positive in their lives, and not dwell on the good times that have past - to make more good times in their current lives by being proactive and positive. Does that make sense? If so - do it!

My Creative Makeover: Self + Art Class at the iArtist Collective

Some of my favorite shots from Self + Art class

You've seen it a million times. The mother getting a makeover on TV after spending so many years putting her children first, and letting herself go. She hasn't bought new clothes in years, and her hair is an unruly mess. For a few moments she is the center of attention. She is pampered and plucked and made to feel like queen for a day. She once agains feels like her old self.

Not too long ago I let my inner-artist go. I used to design jewelry for a living (and I was good at it) so my work day would be spent doing something creative that I loved to do. Once kids came into the picture I no longer had the time to dedicate to jewelry so I found other creative outlets and crafts that I could spend a few minutes here and there on. But then life got in the way, and my studio got dusty as I was spending what little time I had to myself on other things. I had no creative outlet, besides snapping photos of my kids here and there (ok, not just here and there, but they weren't of the quality of photos that I wished they were) and it made me feel like something was missing.

Week 1 assignment: My little elven fairy in the woods

Over the summer I discovered a community of amateur (and professional) photographers like me on Instagram. I had used IG in the past here and there, but had no idea as to its true potential. My creativity was sparked by participating on Fatmumslim's photo-a-day contests (see this past post for more details) and I was meeting people from all over the globe who shared a common interest in photography and other creative things. Through IG I reconnected with a dear friend from high school who told me about this amazing online iPhotography (meaning with your phone) school she and two other friends were starting - the iArtist Collective. Sounded like just the thing I needed to get my creative juices flowing.

I decided to take the Self + Art class given by the uber talented photographer Carolyn Mara Borlenghi. I will be honest, I wasn't going to take this class at first. I was scared of it. I was scared at how talented Carolyn was and felt I had no business being in her class with my amateur photography skills. But you know what? I needed a challenge. I needed someone to push me creatively. I needed someone to spark that passion in my for something artistic again.

Pants off dance off :)

And damn did she light a fire within me! I know that sounds so cheesy, but this class changed me in some way. It changed the way I look at things through my camera - whether on my iPhone or my DSLR. It changed the way I look at things around me. I feel like when I am driving now I see potential photographic masterpieces all around. I am not afraid to get out of my comfort zone either...I am comfortable pushing my own artistic boundaries. I took off my pants and danced in front
of a camera for crying out loud! And I think it is one of my favorite photos I have ever taken.

Each week she gave us assignments that excited and scared us at the same time. Once we completed the assignments we shared them with the rest of the class online and were given amazing critiques that helped each of us all grow as artists. Each time I posted something new I got a rush of anxiety - will they like it? Will they hate it? What will they say in their critiques? I felt like I was back at school again, but I loved every second of it!

Carolyn's class gave my creativity the polish and pluck that it so desperately needed. My inner artist has been given a makeover! It was an experience that I will never forget, and one that I can't recommend enough.

If you are interested in taking an iPhotography class with the iArtist Collective please visit their site for more details! 






- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

We Never Look Our Age

Here is M and a former classmate. 

Last week in our parent teacher conference M's teacher told us a funny story. One of M's classmates had come up to the teacher and said that M wasn't telling the truth. M had told this child, who is 5 years old, that she is 3 years old, and this child didn't believe her, so he went to the teacher to inform her of what he thought was a lie. The teacher informed the student that yes, M is in fact only 3 years old, but she looks a lot older than she actually is because she is so tall. The kid was stunned. M's teacher then went on to tell us in the conference that sometimes she too forgets how young M is, because she is actually one of, if not the tallest in her class of 3-6 year olds.

This is something our girl is going to have to deal with her entire life.

In just 4 weeks from now M will be 4 years old. She is a head above most of the kids her age. She is in size 6 clothing (due to her crazy long arms and legs - she can only really wear leggings as pants just fall off of her). She is in a size 11.5 shoe. She looks like she is 6 years old.

Whenever I tell anyone how old she actually is they are shocked. But then I go on to explain that her daddy is almost 7 feet tall, and I am 5 foot 9 inches tall, so our kids are going to be giants.

I remember when I was young, I was always one of the two tallest girls in my class. I hated it at the time. All the boys were shorter than I was. All of the girls that were liked by the boys were petite and shorter than I was, and I felt like this big freak show towering over all my friends. It wasn't until high school, when the boys caught up with the girls, and I had many more girlfriends my height, that I actually became comfortable with my size. And then marrying a very tall man changed my world and allowed me amass a fabulous collection of 4+ inch heeled shoes...that I can't stand to wear anymore because I am old and prefer flats. Ha.

But even at a young age, despite my height, I was always mistaken for being much older than I actually was. Guess how old I am in this photo on the left (with my gorgeous mama)...15. I am only 15! I look like I am in my mid-20s. I used to love that people thought I was much older too, but in fact I was usually the youngest kid in my class.

These days I get something totally different - whenever I am out with my mom we are constantly asked if we are sisters. My mother is 61, and I am 34. I will give it to my mom that she looks younger than 61, but sisters? Was I our parents' later in life mistake? I am sure people do it more as a compliment to how good my mother looks, but I get so fired up when it happens - and it happens often. We once even got asked if we were twins. Come on now people!!

I worry about M being perceived as being older than she is. I know she is a smart girl, so she will have no problem academically (at least I hope) but she will always be a little more emotionally young than people think she should be. I am not going to lie, sometimes I forget how young she actually is. I expect her to pay attention to me all the time, and do things for herself, and find myself getting frustrated when she can't do things I ask of her. But then I remember that just a year ago she was in diapers (unbelievable to think about) and only a little over two years ago she was starting to walk on her own (she was a late walker)!

Let's hope M and I both get my mom's genes and at some point do a 180 and start looking younger than we actually are...

If I knew then what I knew now...

Hubs and I got a chance to have our last "golf date" of the season this past weekend. My parents graciously watched the kids, and the two of us took to the links (with margaritas in tow) on a beautiful blustery fall day. We got to reminiscing and I brought up that we had been together for 13 wonderful years (married for 8) and that it has seriously been an amazingly great ride - oh and that we could possibly have a 12 year old child. Let me explain... (and mom you can stop reading now :)

I didn't get my period until I was almost 15 years old, and never got it regularly. In fact I only got it like once or twice that first year. I was put on birth control to regulate my periods at 15, and was on it for the next 12 years until we started to try and have kids. But when I first started dating Hubs I forgot to take some pills, or forgot to renew my prescription and wasn't on the pill for a few weeks. We were careful of course, but when it came time for me to get my period as I thought I would, it never came. Two weeks later, it still didn't come. I was 21 years old, had only been dating my then-boyfriend-now-husband for about 3 months, and thought I was pregnant. Holy shitballs.

I had no idea what to do. I didn't tell Hubs what was happening at first, but I did tell my best friend because I was freaking out. She wanted me to go to the drug store around the corner and get a pregnancy test, but I was too scared. What the hell was I going to do if I was pregnant? I had been out of college for 5 months, I was about to start another new job (that only lasted 3 months because it was the worst job in the world), I lived in a very crappy apartment with 3 friends from college, my boyfriend was applying to law schools all over the country and could possibly be moving away in the next year and the last thing I wanted to do was to have a child - I was a child!!

If I remember correctly, I told Hubs that I was "late" on Thanksgiving. He was hosting at his apartment and I stayed up in Boston instead of going home to Florida. I will never forget feeling like I was going to throw up from nerves when I asked him "if we could talk" in his bedroom for a second. Of course he was nothing but supportive (and has been nothing but that our entire 13 years together) as I sat there and cried, but like any smart person he suggested we get a test and find out for sure. He even offered to get one for me, but again I couldn't go through with it.

I am not sure what happened the next few days, but I remember gathering my roommates one night at our apartment and telling them all what was going on. The next thing I remember is all of us piling into someones car and going off in search of a pregnancy test for me. It was late, and most stores were closed, so I remember driving around town looking for an open drug store, and when we finally found one we all went in...but I couldn't face buying the test myself so one of my other girlfriends bought it for me. It is one of those moments I will never forget - me lingering in the front of the store trying to look like i was interested in the nail polish I was in front of, with the other three girls in the back of the store trying to find the cheapest test possible.

I took the test as soon as I got home and those two minutes of all of us girls waiting for the results, in this tiny disgusting bathroom, were excruciating. What if I was pregnant?  There was no way I was going to have it right? I am very pro-choice, but could I go through with an abortion myself? Would my relationship with my boyfriend change? What would my parents think? Would I move home to Florida? How would I not drink for 9 months?

It was negative, of course.

And for the next 6 years of my life I was diligent about taking my birth control pills.

But then I stopped when we actually wanted to get pregnant, and I never got my period...and didn't get pregnant for months...and found out I had PCOS and could probably never get pregnant without assisted fertility treatments...and went through 2.5 years of different pills and shots and IUIs and IVFs.

I guess I could have saved a lot of money on birth control pills if I knew then what I know now!

I don't want them to grow up

My girls are the perfect ages right now. M is almost 4 (in December) and has blossomed into this amazingly funny and creative little person. She loves to help me do anything and everything. Sure there are moments when, as my mom used to say, "the horns" come out (aka devil child) but for the most part she is a great kid. She is at the age where she can entertain herself for long stretches of time - I love to see her sitting in the playroom, acting out scenes with her dolls and figures: "Oh Cinderella, your hair

looks great! We should go see what Woody is up to." "Thanks Slinky Dog! I like your tail. Let's build you a house out of Legos..." and so on, and so on.

I especially love that she is so observant and inquisitive these days. She is always asking me what things mean, and why things are the way they are. And has lately been very curious about how things are spelled, and what sounds letters make. It is so amazing to be a part of her learning process - "Flight. Fl...fl...flight. That sounds like the world 'night' mom! N...Nnnn...night."

And Val...what a character she already is at just about 13 months old. No, she isn't walking yet, and no, she doesn't talk much (lots of pointing and lots of bah bah!). She already has this hysterical personality, full of stink eye faces and belly laughs and "beefcake" poses. My mother seems so concerned that she isn't walking or talking yet, but you know what? I don't care! I don't want her to walk or talk just yet.

I am desperately holding on to her "baby-ness" - she is starting to get thinner and lose her belly, and her once chunky monkey thighs are thinning out too and I can't stand it! I feel like every time I get her out of the crib she is an inch taller. It is killing me how fast time is flying by.

I can't wait to see how my girls turn out. It is hard for me to imagine them older than they are now, but I am excited to see what kind of people they become. But on the other hand, I don't want them to grow up! We have such a great combination of baby and little girl right now in our house. They both still love to be held and hugged and kissed. They both think that my husband and I are the greatest people on earth (well, except for my mother who is queen bee in M's eyes). They both need us to get them dressed, and fed and hold their hands. I think about the day when they are both independent and I want to cry. Sure my back feels like it is going to break at the end of the day, but I will hold Val in my arms until I can't stand up anymore because I know soon enough she will be up and running away from me.

M is now in school 5 days a week, 8:30-2:30 - real school hours! She gets out of the car at school, and her teachers take her to the front door, but from there she is on her own to walk to her classroom, put away her things and start her day. She is no longer a toddler, but becoming an independent little lady. Val is my baby, and will always be my baby, but she won't technically be a baby for much longer and I am struggling with that. One of my children is already in school full time and before I know it the other will be too...and then what.

What is this stay at home mom to do once her kids aren't staying at home? Do I go back to making jewelry and traveling all over to jewelry shows? Do I want to do that again? Do I find a part time job? Will I join the PTA? Will I decorate our house? Will I write more? Will I open up that bakery/flower shop I have always wanted to start? Will I go back to school (not that I have anything I want to go back to school for, I have just been thinking a lot lately about how I wasted my college education...more on that in another post)? Who knows what the hell I am going to do.

It is scary to think about that time in my life only being 2 years away really. I will only be 36 once Val is old enough to go to pre-school. It is exciting, yet terrifying, to think that in just a few short years I will have all this me-time on my hands. Maybe I will volunteer...maybe I will work with a non-profit. I know, I am lucky to have such choices in life. I know it, and I am grateful for it every day.

A few things I know for certain are that our house will be cleaner, more organized and I will be in the best shape of my life, as I won't have my kids as an excuse for not working out.

To all you stay at home moms out there, what do you plan to do with yourselves when your kids are in school? Are you going back to work? Trying something new?

High Anxiety

Life is good for me right now. My kids are thriving, I am keeping busy, my husband is kicking ass at work. We live a very blessed life, and we are thankful for it each and every day. I can't help but think to myself that since things are so good in our life right now that something terrible is going to happen - which has led me to have some anxiety issues these past few months.

I think when you become a mother, anxiety, worry and guilt are just par for the course. You are constantly worried you aren't being the best mother you can be, or that you aren't giving your baby what she needs, or (in my case) you have anxiety about something terrible happening to that child 24/7. Maybe it is because of the world that we live in these days, where horrible things happen where  and when you'd least expect it, that I have had such crazy thoughts go through my mind.

When we are in the car I constantly have these visions of us getting in terrible accidents, or of one of the kids opening the car door and falling out of the moving car. Or even last week I looked up in the sky while driving and saw an airplane and then had this horrible vision of the plane falling out of the sky onto the highway and us having to swerve to avoid wreckage. I know, crazy.

When M was at school (or camp this summer) I would have daily moments of panic thinking about something terrible happening to her at school, or of her somehow going missing from school.

Put me in a crowd and the anxiety gets even worse. Hubs and I took the girls to the aquarium yesterday and it was jam packed. Now, I hate to go anywhere when it is crowded, especially a museum or the aquarium. If we go, we go during members hours, or are usually there when the doors open. But we got a late start and arrived to the museum at 11 AM, on Labor Day...madness. It is so dark in the aquarium that all I kept thinking about was someone taking one of the girls. Sure, I had Val strapped into a stroller, and Hubs had M's hand the whole time, but I still couldn't help checking out every suspect that walked by us. "What is that lone guy doing here without any kids? Did that person just look at M funny? That person looks like a child molester..." There was a split second that Hubs wasn't holding M's hand and I of course was all "hold her hand! What are you doing!!" I know, crazy.

But even without my kids with me I have had some anxiety in crowds. I went to the JT/Jay Z concert last month at Fenway, with about 35,000 other people. As soon as we found our seats, in the middle of a row, in a box in right field, I sat and looked around - and started to feel panic. I never used to be one to feel panic, ever, but I sat there thinking "I am trapped. How the hell would I get out of here alive if something terrible happened? Should I just lay on the ground? Where would I exit? Does that guy look like he has something in his jacket he shouldn't? What if I never see my husband again? What if my kids grow up without a mother...yada yada yada..." After a few deep breaths I was fine, but don't think I didn't scope out my best escape route.

I have talked with close friends (who are also mothers) about this in the past, and was surprised that they too have the same thoughts on a daily basis. I think it also comes with getting older, and getting wiser, and not being so naive about the world we live in.

Don't get me wrong - I don't live in a constant state of panic. I sleep very well at night. It is just that when you become a parent, you abandon the carefree life you had before. You now have these precious lives to take care of and that responsibility is not something to take lightly. If anything was to ever happen to one of my children, or my husband, I don't know...actually I don't even want to think about right now.

Deep breath...deep breath...glass of wine...much better. But I think someone just walked by the front of our house so I better go make sure the front door is locked.

I know, crazy.

Time flies when you have kids

When you first have kids everyone tells you, "before you know it they will be walking," or "you're gonna blink and they'll be teenagers!" You smile and nod and think how you actually wish time was flying by faster so that your baby would be older, and sleeping through the night, and possibly giving you a break from the crazy. At that moment you feel like the clock is in slow motion as your baby is taking forever to finish the bottle, or your kid is sitting on the potty for 30 minutes but refusing to do her business outside of her diaper. And damn do you wish you had a time machine when it is the "witching hour" on a day when no one napped, and no one likes what you made for dinner, and your husbands train is delayed...and you are out of wine.

But then you do blink, and (if you are me) that baby who took so long to sleep through the night will be one year old in 2 weeks and about to take her first step. And that child who never wanted to use the potty has been out of diapers for almost a year, and will be going to school 5 days a week in a few
weeks, and wearing size 6 clothing! Holy shit, where has the time gone?!

They say time flies when you are having fun, and while being a parent isn't all fun and games (I would say about 50% is and the other 50% is blood, sweat, tears and poop), from the moment you become a parent you feel like your life is in fast forward. When you are pregnant it is like your life is in slow motion, but as soon as that baby comes out someone hits a button and life speeds by. I wish I could grab hold of my life remote and just press pause for a second, because I absolutely love my daughters at their current ages.

M will be 4 in December. FOUR! Over the summer she has blossomed into this amazing little lady. She wants to do everything for herself, and is constantly asking if I need help. She actually asked to do laundry the other day. WHAT? I gave her a hamper full of clothes and she put everything in the washing machine, added the soap I gave her in the little cup, turned the dial to the picture of the shirt, and then pressed the triangle button (her favorite step). She just asked me if I wanted her to do the dishes that are in the sink? I don't know what has come over her, but I love it.

Val will be a year in just a few short weeks. I seriously feel like it was just yesterday that my water broke. I still remember every second of being in the hospital, my epidurals not working, and finally meeting my little smushy faced, brown-eyed beauty. And here we are a year later and she will be taking her first step any day now. I can't get enough of her at this age though - she is so affectionate and happy and easygoing. She spends most of her day laughing and crawling towards things where she can pull herself up (be it the ottoman, toy storage, my legs or the dogs body, which is her current favorite) and once she is standing she just flashes that 4-toothed smile
and giggles that giggle which makes my heart melt.

Before I know it my babies will be teenagers, and while I really don't want them to get older than they are now, I seriously can't wait to see where their lives take them. If the way they act now is any indication of how their lives will turn out, in 25 years M will be accepting the Academy Award for Best Actress for her portrayal as Rapunzel in the life action version of the fairy tale, and Val will be preparing for the upcoming US Open and hoping for her third straight win (this actually has nothing to do with the way Val acts now, I just know she will be the athlete of our family, and with the junk in the trunk she has now I picture her having the body of Serena Williams...and maybe her money too.)

Feeling Old

Recently, Hubs and I joined a country club. It is the same club my parents belong to up here in Newport, and we figured we are at the age where our parents shouldn't be paying for us to golf, eat, etc., so we might as well join. We went out to said club on Saturday night to celebrate our new status as members and the fact that we have made the decision to build our dream house. Lots of big things are happening in our family this year...lots of expensive, grown-up things.

Our conversation at dinner when something like this:
Me: "I feel so grown-up sitting here at (the club) without my parents."
Hubs: "We are grown-up"
Me: "I know, I just feel so old belonging to a country club, building a house..."
Hubs: "We are old. I am 36. I have gray chest hairs."

Ok, so he didn't mention the chest hairs (although that is the truth and I think it is kind of sexy) but he was very matter of fact in saying that he is and feels old. I, on the other hand, forget that I am going to be 35 this year, and sometimes think I am still in my 20s. Then I get to talking to my 24 year old babysitter (who has never seen an episode of Seinfeld - What the what???) and I am basically slapped in the face and brought back to reality.

When I was 24, a 35 year old person was old...no, ancient! I remember some of the "older" ladies that I worked with at my first jobs, who now that I think about it, were probably in their early 30s, but they might as well have been 50. And now I am one of those older ladies, with kids in tow and a messy house, who now considers putting on mascara putting on "make-up."

This is how I feel some times, and how I think I look

There are moments when I feel so young and cool - like when I don't have kids in the car, and I can play my own music really loud and put the windows down and drive fast. But then I get out of my car
and see the two car seats in the back, and the stroller in the trunk. I am a mom. I am old lady in the suburbs and that is probably how other people see me, no matter how cool I think I look jamming out in my SUV.

I actually went out dancing with a group of college friends last weekend. It was the first time I had been dancing somewhere that wasn't a wedding in probably 5 years, maybe more. Now if you want to feel old, go out to a club or bar in Boston. Holy hell. I felt like some of the kids there could have been my own child. There we were, in our conservative dresses and nice heels surrounded by skinny little drunk girls who were "jersey turnpike"-ing every random guy in site. (For those of you that do not know what it means to "jersey turnpike" I found this definition on the web:grinding ur bum into a mans crotch but bent at the waist so ur palms are on the ground) We did our best and actually stayed out until 1 in the morning, but you know what? I would have rather stayed in, drank some wine and talked. That makes me officially old.

And this is how I actually look...and feel today

Twice in the last few weeks, while out with my mother, we were asked if we were sisters. HUH? Now, my mother looks great for her age of 62, but sisters? I think my mom could pass for 50, which I guess means we could be sisters if I was an "accident" baby. I know people say this to be charming and complimentary, but do they realize in saying that my mom looks young that they are also saying that I look old??

And maybe I do look older than I think. My body has changed in crazy ways in the last 10 years: I could probably fly using the arm flaps I have hanging from my upper arms (no matter how much I work out my arms they refuse to go away). I have hair growing at exponential rates in places that no one should have hair growing, especially a woman. I use eye cream. I wear glasses to read and when I use the computer.

When I get dressed up I wear Spanx. My grandmother wore a girdle every day of her life, and I thought she was insane. She would take forever to get herself back into her girdle after using the bathroom, and my brother and I thought it was hilarious.

At this rate, I will be her in 10 years.

I know what you are thinking - 34 is not that old (at least that is what I hope you are thinking). And I know in the grand scheme of things it isn't "old" but when you have so much responsibility, human and canine mouths to feed, and you start making decisions that your remember your parents making when you were younger, you can't help but feel old.

I love my life, and all the responsibilities I have, and wouldn't change a damn thing.

Now my body - that is another story.

A Mother's Day letter to my 21 year old self

Dear 21 year old self, 

This is the future you, writing to you from the year 2013, the year you will turn 35. No, cars are not

I'm talking to you baby-faced-
great-skin-having-no-stretch-
marks-perky-boobed young
sexy thing.

flying, and we are not getting places via hoverboards (we still have two years for that, duh.) The world is pretty much the same, except now we have phones that are also cameras/computers and there is an African American president - pretty cool, huh? 

I write to you to let you know that your life may not turn out the way you thought it would, but it is still one hell of a life. This Sunday (in my time) you will celebrate your fourth Mother's Day- I know you probably thought it would be something like your 6th or 7th, but I will get to that in a bit. 

You know that handsome tall drink of water you just met at your summer job at the Red Sox? Well, soon the flirtatious relationship you have will quickly progress into something amazing. And that something amazing will lead to a relationship like you have never had - you will be treated like the queen you are, and loved like you have never been loved in your life. Just remember to get him out of those tapered stone-washed jeans, and off that motorcycle ASAP!!

I hate to ruin the story for you, but you will be walking down the aisle with said man, and it will be the best night of your life, followed by the vacation of your life...and then it is back to reality and the start of your new life together. 

That amazing condo you purchase together? It will cost you, both in repairs and pest control, but it will bring you years of joy and good times. 

That dog you adopt because you want a try at being a parent to something? She will bring you a love like you have never known (different from man-love and kid-love). You will treat her like your first-born, calling yourself her "mother" and she your "dog-ter." She will teach you to be patient and compassionate, but she will also drive you insane and cost you thousands of dollars. You know all that new furniture you got for your wedding? Get ready for it to be chewed up and ruined in a matter of days. And no matter how sick, or hungover or tired you are, you will have to get your lazy ass out of bed and walk that crazy dog, for at least an hour every day - in the rain and snow - because if you don't...well, you will find that out for yourself. 

Once you have gotten the handle of taking care of the pooch, you and your hubs will decide it is time to  have a human baby...this is tough part. 

It will take much longer than you expect to get pregnant. Much much much longer. You will see many doctors, and be on many medications, and be given words of encouragement by professionals and family and friends but you will want to stay in bed and cry because what comes so easily to others will not come so easily to you. You will watch your friends get pregnant without even batting an eye - but be strong and be happy for them, because you will experience the joy they are feeling...just be patient. 

You will have some really trying times during these two years - like throwing your best friend's baby shower while you are hopped up on fertility meds. This may seem like a cracked out idea at the time, and you may actually leave the shower halfway through it because you can't contain your emotions, but it will bring you closer to your friend than ever before. 

After multiple procedures, and probably 50 pregnancy tests, you actually get the news you have been waiting for...and your life is changed forever. A perfect baby girl will soon be put in your arms and you will love her with every fiber of your being. You might think you could never love another child as much as you do your first, but then 2.5 years later, you will have another baby girl, whom you love just as much...and your family will be complete. 

This all might not happen soon enough for you, but believe me, it all happens at the right time. 

Your "job" in 2013 will be to take care of these little munchkins, and let me tell you - it is no easy feat. You will get tired, and cranky, right along side your kids. You will think there is no way you can get up at 4:30 AM one more day, but then you go in to your daughter's room and see that gigantic smile she has on her face when she sees you, and it will all be worth it (just do what everyone says and nap when she naps.) 

You might feel like somewhat of a failure for not having a career while you are raising your kid. You might sometimes feel like you have given up by becoming a stay at home mom, but that isn't the case. What you are doing is the most rewarding and challenging job that there ever was - you are shaping the lives of two humans! You are not just a mom, but a teacher, a counselor, a cook, a chauffer, a shoulder to cry on and an entertainer. 

Your journey to motherhood will not be an easy one, but in all honesty, because it is a bumpy road, the destination is all that more rewarding. What you have to go through to become a mother will test your relationship with your friends and family and bring you even that much closer to your husband. 

These next 13 years will fly by. FLY BY. Be sure to cherish every moment you have with your future boyfriend/husband. Have an amazing time with your friends, before you have real responsibilities like a mortgage and children. Be nice to your mother - not always an easy feat I know - but think before you speak to her and your relationship might be as great as it is now even earlier in life. 

And those kids you will eventually have - they are the best. The family you will have...there are no words. You will love every second of being a mother, even when your kids drive you to drink (PS - you learn to love tequila!)

Oh, and stop eating all that fried crap and go to the gym more often when you are pregnant. Your future self thanks you. 

Cheers, 

Future You

PS. I tried to find a photo of my current self, but every one I found would scare the bejesus out of you. 

The end of an era

Last week I purchased Val a convertible car seat. She is 20 pounds, and her weight in combination with our old Graco car seat was hard on the back to carry around, plus she is crazy long, so I figured it was time to move her to the big girl car seat. It arrived the next day (thank you Amazon Prime), and I installed it in my car after both girls went to bed one night. I came back into the kitchen and took one look at her infant car seat sitting there on the floor, and I burst into tears. And now I am tearing up again while writing this...damn you mother hormones!

I feel an overwhelming sadness when I think about Val being my last baby. She is growing incredibly fast - she is almost 9 months and already in size 18 month clothing. She is eating everything in sight. She is about to crawl any second now and not far off from walking. And now she is in a big girl car seat, just like her older sister. I feel like time is moving way too fast for me, and lately it has been making me incredibly sad.

Pretty soon her adorable, chubby, kissable baby feet aren't going to be so cute and soft. She isn't going to laugh at me making a silly face, or pull on my lip and think it is the funniest thing in the world. She isn't going to smile and kick her legs when I come in to get her out of the crib. She won't have that amazing smushy bum that I love to chew on every time she gets naked (seriously it is the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life.) Or even if she does have all those things, she won't let me chew on her like she does now. I wish I could stop time and keep her this size forever...

Well, not really, because I can't wait to see what the future has in store for my girls, but I seriously love the ages they are now. I have M who is 3.5 going on 30. She makes sure to remind me to put my scissor away and not leave them on the counter because it is dangerous. And she tells me to clean up my messes. She can also recite every episode of Doc McStuffins by heart and does the best fake laugh I have ever heard. And she wants to help me do anything and everything I do, and I just love it. And Val...she is just the happiest smushiest baby in the world. I am blessed to have such wonderful children.

But when I think about the fact that they are only going to get older, and I will never have another baby in the house I get terribly sad. My husband and I agreed that we would only have 2 children from the beginning. Two is the perfect number - man to man defense. Everyone gets their own bedrooms. Traveling will be easy. Plus kids are crazy expensive, and with only two we can give them the best of everything.

Life is crazy enough with two right now, I could never imagine having another one. And I am not saying that I would want another kid at all. I am happy with two. Two is our number. But when I think about the fact that I am done having kids, and I will never be pregnant again, it really makes me sad.

What adds to the sadness is that I still have two frozen embryos after doing the IVFs. I still have to two babies on ice - a potential brother or sister for M and Val, or both.

When trying to get pregnant with Val last in 2011 I learned that I was non responsive to the fertility drugs, and would most likely not be able to produce viable eggs again, so the frozen embryos that I had were my last chance to ever get pregnant. The fact that there are two potential babies on ice, that I will probably never use, really makes me sad.

Not sad enough to try and get pregnant again, but sad that I will ultimately have to make that final decision to discard the embryos and come to grips with the fact that I am done having kids. I think I would be even sadder if I did decide to go through with an IVF again and it didn't end in pregnancy - something I want to avoid altogether.

I have friends now that already have two kids and are either pregnant with, or trying for their third child. They keep asking me if I am done, and of course I say yes, because I am, but just saying that out loud makes my heart sink a little.

When M would out grow her clothes I would put them in a plastic tub, and set them aside for her potential sister. Now when Val out grows her clothes (and damn does she grow out of things quickly) I still pack them up, but now in hopes that one of my friends will have a baby girl to wear them. The baby swing has gone to the basement, along with the bassinet, the snap n go, the Moby wrap, the Boppys...all to either be donated or lent to friends in the future. Tear...

I love our life right now. We are finally getting sleep again. I finally feel comfortable in my own skin again. We have a good thing going right now. It just makes me sad to realize that soon my babies won't be babies anymore.

It is the end of an era, but the beginning of another exciting adventure.

The lone daffodil

Last week, we should have been ushering the long-awaited coming of spring with Patriot’s Day and Marathon Monday. Instead, all of Boston and the nation was in shock, grieving.  And it didn’t stop with the Monday’s tragedy.  The eternal worrier, I had a sinking feeling that it wasn’t over. I wish I were proven wrong, but indeed it wasn’t, with spasms of senseless violence Thursday evening through Friday night. 

 We were all left exhausted, spent, and with a million questions unanswered.  I have struggled, unsuccessfully, to maintain my equilibrium and have wondered how all this has affected our children. The dude is thankfully too immersed in his Thomas trains and visit by his “Auntie Soso” this past weekend to pay much attention. Little miss, on the other hand, has picked up on my internal distress and has been clingy and even distraught at times.

So as we pick up and try to process all that has happened, I have taken solace in the small things.  Enjoying walking the dude to preschool and back, holding his little hand tight.  Yesterday morning on the way to school, we both admired a lone daffodil that had sprouted up in an otherwise barren flower bed.  By lunchtime, the bloom was gone.  Someone had senselessly pulled it from its stem, leaving it wilted and forlorn on the side of the sidewalk.  The dude was so upset.  He asked me, “Why mama, why would someone do something so sad to the flower?  Why?”

As my eyes filled with tears, I responded, “I don’t know love. I don’t know why someone would do something sad like that.  It’s so hard to understand.”  

To lean or not to lean, that is the question

Sheryl Sandberg’s book Lean In has created a veritable firestorm.  Maureen Dowd called her the "pom pom girl for feminism";  other women accuse Sandberg of being out of touch—how dare a Harvard double-degreed, successful business executive (with a mansion in Silicon Valley and a mini-army to conquer the daily childcare and household tasks) tell us about how to live our lives? Why is she telling women that they are their own worst enemies?  Isn’t she blaming the victim? 

Personally, I like Sheryl Sandberg and what she has to say.  I recently watched her talk at Harvard Business School’s 50th anniversary of officially admitting women into their MBA progam (an aside: has it really been only 50 years since HBS started admitting women to their B-school? That in itself says a lot about the current state of gender equality).  What she had to say was: yes, there are institutional challenges; yes, there is plenty of ingrained sexism there, starting from when girls are barely old enough to walk or speak; and yes, we need to work and solve all these problems.  But her point about “leaning in” wasn’t that we all should work more or abandon our families.   Her point was quite simply: set your own personal goals, and don’t be afraid to pursue them.  Ambitiously. Don’t let people’s ideas about how women should behave or your own fears (I’m not qualified, I won't be a good mother, it’s unseemly for women to appear "too ambitious") keep you back. 

I found it downright inspiring. She was intelligent, witty, poised, a great storyteller, and also…a serious knockout in the red dress she was wearing (if I were President Obama, I’d get flack for that comment). I thought to myself, “wow, why wouldn’t anyone agree with her?” And that’s when I realized, perhaps it’s precisely because of all her success that we can’t bear to hear her message.  She herself brought up an example of how as men become more successful, they become more likeable, while as women become successful, their likeability drops (cf Barack vs Hillary 2008).  And maybe that's what’s happened to Sheryl Sandberg. 

Why don’t we like her? Is it our own insecurity as women, our own tendency to compare, to disparage and critique when we feel envious? Is it our own internal “stuff” keeping us from supporting other smart, successful, hard-working sisters out there?  I do think so. It reminds me of a pretty funny, candid conversation I overheard between two women recently. One woman said about another friend: “She has a flat stomach and a great butt. I hate her.”  Instead of the envy, girlfriend, why don’t you ask your friend what diet and exercise regimen is getting her so toned?  Why don’t we let ourselves learn from other women’s great examples?

Gloria Steinem was recently asked about her thoughts on this Lean In phenomenon in the New Yorker.  Wisely, she said:

“Only in women is success viewed as a barrier to giving advice. Meanwhile Trump, whose brain is deteriorating under the heat of his toupee, is fine giving advice.”

You might not agree with everything Sheryl Sandberg says, nor might you want to live your life the way she has, but at least give a successful lady a chance to contribute to the conversation.  She’s accomplished amazing things in her meteoric career, and personally, I’m going to buy the book, lean in, and learn from her wisdom. 

And I’m going to do some squats.