Feeling Old

Recently, Hubs and I joined a country club. It is the same club my parents belong to up here in Newport, and we figured we are at the age where our parents shouldn't be paying for us to golf, eat, etc., so we might as well join. We went out to said club on Saturday night to celebrate our new status as members and the fact that we have made the decision to build our dream house. Lots of big things are happening in our family this year...lots of expensive, grown-up things.

Our conversation at dinner when something like this:
Me: "I feel so grown-up sitting here at (the club) without my parents."
Hubs: "We are grown-up"
Me: "I know, I just feel so old belonging to a country club, building a house..."
Hubs: "We are old. I am 36. I have gray chest hairs."

Ok, so he didn't mention the chest hairs (although that is the truth and I think it is kind of sexy) but he was very matter of fact in saying that he is and feels old. I, on the other hand, forget that I am going to be 35 this year, and sometimes think I am still in my 20s. Then I get to talking to my 24 year old babysitter (who has never seen an episode of Seinfeld - What the what???) and I am basically slapped in the face and brought back to reality.

When I was 24, a 35 year old person was old...no, ancient! I remember some of the "older" ladies that I worked with at my first jobs, who now that I think about it, were probably in their early 30s, but they might as well have been 50. And now I am one of those older ladies, with kids in tow and a messy house, who now considers putting on mascara putting on "make-up."

This is how I feel some times, and how I think I look

There are moments when I feel so young and cool - like when I don't have kids in the car, and I can play my own music really loud and put the windows down and drive fast. But then I get out of my car
and see the two car seats in the back, and the stroller in the trunk. I am a mom. I am old lady in the suburbs and that is probably how other people see me, no matter how cool I think I look jamming out in my SUV.

I actually went out dancing with a group of college friends last weekend. It was the first time I had been dancing somewhere that wasn't a wedding in probably 5 years, maybe more. Now if you want to feel old, go out to a club or bar in Boston. Holy hell. I felt like some of the kids there could have been my own child. There we were, in our conservative dresses and nice heels surrounded by skinny little drunk girls who were "jersey turnpike"-ing every random guy in site. (For those of you that do not know what it means to "jersey turnpike" I found this definition on the web:grinding ur bum into a mans crotch but bent at the waist so ur palms are on the ground) We did our best and actually stayed out until 1 in the morning, but you know what? I would have rather stayed in, drank some wine and talked. That makes me officially old.

And this is how I actually look...and feel today

Twice in the last few weeks, while out with my mother, we were asked if we were sisters. HUH? Now, my mother looks great for her age of 62, but sisters? I think my mom could pass for 50, which I guess means we could be sisters if I was an "accident" baby. I know people say this to be charming and complimentary, but do they realize in saying that my mom looks young that they are also saying that I look old??

And maybe I do look older than I think. My body has changed in crazy ways in the last 10 years: I could probably fly using the arm flaps I have hanging from my upper arms (no matter how much I work out my arms they refuse to go away). I have hair growing at exponential rates in places that no one should have hair growing, especially a woman. I use eye cream. I wear glasses to read and when I use the computer.

When I get dressed up I wear Spanx. My grandmother wore a girdle every day of her life, and I thought she was insane. She would take forever to get herself back into her girdle after using the bathroom, and my brother and I thought it was hilarious.

At this rate, I will be her in 10 years.

I know what you are thinking - 34 is not that old (at least that is what I hope you are thinking). And I know in the grand scheme of things it isn't "old" but when you have so much responsibility, human and canine mouths to feed, and you start making decisions that your remember your parents making when you were younger, you can't help but feel old.

I love my life, and all the responsibilities I have, and wouldn't change a damn thing.

Now my body - that is another story.