High Anxiety

Life is good for me right now. My kids are thriving, I am keeping busy, my husband is kicking ass at work. We live a very blessed life, and we are thankful for it each and every day. I can't help but think to myself that since things are so good in our life right now that something terrible is going to happen - which has led me to have some anxiety issues these past few months.

I think when you become a mother, anxiety, worry and guilt are just par for the course. You are constantly worried you aren't being the best mother you can be, or that you aren't giving your baby what she needs, or (in my case) you have anxiety about something terrible happening to that child 24/7. Maybe it is because of the world that we live in these days, where horrible things happen where  and when you'd least expect it, that I have had such crazy thoughts go through my mind.

When we are in the car I constantly have these visions of us getting in terrible accidents, or of one of the kids opening the car door and falling out of the moving car. Or even last week I looked up in the sky while driving and saw an airplane and then had this horrible vision of the plane falling out of the sky onto the highway and us having to swerve to avoid wreckage. I know, crazy.

When M was at school (or camp this summer) I would have daily moments of panic thinking about something terrible happening to her at school, or of her somehow going missing from school.

Put me in a crowd and the anxiety gets even worse. Hubs and I took the girls to the aquarium yesterday and it was jam packed. Now, I hate to go anywhere when it is crowded, especially a museum or the aquarium. If we go, we go during members hours, or are usually there when the doors open. But we got a late start and arrived to the museum at 11 AM, on Labor Day...madness. It is so dark in the aquarium that all I kept thinking about was someone taking one of the girls. Sure, I had Val strapped into a stroller, and Hubs had M's hand the whole time, but I still couldn't help checking out every suspect that walked by us. "What is that lone guy doing here without any kids? Did that person just look at M funny? That person looks like a child molester..." There was a split second that Hubs wasn't holding M's hand and I of course was all "hold her hand! What are you doing!!" I know, crazy.

But even without my kids with me I have had some anxiety in crowds. I went to the JT/Jay Z concert last month at Fenway, with about 35,000 other people. As soon as we found our seats, in the middle of a row, in a box in right field, I sat and looked around - and started to feel panic. I never used to be one to feel panic, ever, but I sat there thinking "I am trapped. How the hell would I get out of here alive if something terrible happened? Should I just lay on the ground? Where would I exit? Does that guy look like he has something in his jacket he shouldn't? What if I never see my husband again? What if my kids grow up without a mother...yada yada yada..." After a few deep breaths I was fine, but don't think I didn't scope out my best escape route.

I have talked with close friends (who are also mothers) about this in the past, and was surprised that they too have the same thoughts on a daily basis. I think it also comes with getting older, and getting wiser, and not being so naive about the world we live in.

Don't get me wrong - I don't live in a constant state of panic. I sleep very well at night. It is just that when you become a parent, you abandon the carefree life you had before. You now have these precious lives to take care of and that responsibility is not something to take lightly. If anything was to ever happen to one of my children, or my husband, I don't know...actually I don't even want to think about right now.

Deep breath...deep breath...glass of wine...much better. But I think someone just walked by the front of our house so I better go make sure the front door is locked.

I know, crazy.

A SAHM Connundrum

I am the first to admit that I judge other mothers. It is a horrible quality, I know, but I do it. And I am sure you do too, you just don't want to admit it.

Most of this judging occurs in my head of course - how could that mother feed that to her child? Why isn't that mother reprimanding her brat of a child? I can't believe she turned her car seat around already! What kind of mother lets her child run around by himself like that in public! She is still breastfeeding that kid?! Look who is going out again and leaving her kids with another sitter!

And the judgement of all judgements that brings me to the topic of this post - how could they have hired help if she chose to stay at home and raise the kids herself!?

I first want to apologize to all my friends who are reading this who are SAHMs with hired help. Yes, I judged you (notice the past tense). Yes, I thought it was kind of absurd that you are/were paying someone to help with your kids, when you chose to stay at home and be the primary care giver of your children. I considered choosing to be a SAHM as your "job." And I was (again, the past tense) of the mindset that if you were hiring help, you weren't success at your "job."

I can do everything and anything myself. That is how I have always thought when approaching any obstacle. Let me do it, I know what I am doing (even if I don't really, I like to think I do), and I can probably do it better than you can. Lost your keys? I will find them, even if you haven't found them after an hour of looking. Of course I can lift that 100 pound box - step back. Are you kidding me? Of course I can fit into that parking spot. I used to be an awesome tennis player, but haven't played in about 15 years, but of course I am still awesome (this proved not to be true.)

Fast forward to present day. I now have two children, a husband is going back to working crazy hours and will be traveling a fair amount for work, and parents who will be heading down south back to their real lives in a couple weeks. And the cherry on top to all that is our dog who needs at least a 45 minute walk every morning, or else madness ensues.

I never questioned my ability to do it all - raise my kids, take care of my dog, maintain the household -  on my own. M is in school 3 mornings a week, Val is just a baby who sleeps most of the day (unfortunately not at night - yikes) - I will have plenty of time for myself and to regain my sanity. I will find time to walk the dog as a means of getting back into shape. It was going to be a crazy busy life, but it is the life I chose. I accept that the next few years of my life will be devoted to my children, my family and dog, and I, myself, will take a backseat. I can do it all myself...can't I?

Then my husband turned to me the other day and said, "I think you should think about hiring someone to help out with the kids a couple days a week." ERRRHHHHHCCCHHH!! (that is the sound of slamming on the breaks, or a record scratching - you pick.) What did you just say buddy? I immediately took offense. Did he think that I couldn't do this all on my own? Did he think that just because he was going back to work that everything would crumble and I would be a mess of a mother? Of course he didn't think these things, but this is exactly where my mind went as soon as he suggested I hire help.

Not only did my husband say this, but my parents have mentioned it a few times, and of course each time I took offense with them too. Just because they were going back to their normal lives in Florida didn't mean that my family dynamic would go to shit and I wouldn't be able to take care of my kids on my own.

After talking it out with my husband though he made me realize that he just wants my job as Mom to be as stress free as possible, and since we could afford it, why not get someone in to take over once in a while so that I could have some "me" time. I could go grocery shopping alone...I could get a pedicure...I could get back in the gym without worrying about a child hating the daycare...I could get back to designing jewelry...I could finally cross some projects off my list...I could get my hair cut during the week and not miss out on family stuff on the weekends...me time sounds awesome. Ok, he has a point.

I still wasn't 100% sold on the idea, as I immediately thought that I would be judged by my friends just like I had judged them in the past. So the first thing I did was put a post up on GardenMoms to see if and how other SAHMs out handled hiring a part-time nanny or sitter. I could not believe the wonderful heartfelt responses I got. I had expected people to be all "you chose to SAHM, suck it up" but it was the total opposite! There was an outpouring of support and encouragement from the Moms unlike I had ever expected.

One of my favorite comments to my post on GM was one woman explaining how feeling guilty for having help raising kids and judging other women who have help is totally a cultural thing in the US. In most other countries you have generations of families living together, all helping to raise the babies or communities gathering together to help families with newborns. It is just recently that women who chose to stay home are expected to be the primary care giver and looked down upon if they need to hire someone to help them.

A common theme among the comments was happy mom = happy family (see Mama T's post below). As we all know being a mother is the most demanding, and rewarding, job on the planet, but it forces you to put yourself on the back burner, many times leading to regret and guilt. If hiring someone to watch your kids for a few hours a week allows me to do things that I love to do, therefore making me a happier person in general, why the hell wouldn't I do it?

I think I just needed this validation from my fellow Mamas out there. I needed to feel support and acceptance from women in the same position that I am in. I needed to hear that it is ok to not be with your children 24/7 as a SAHM...it is ok to take some time for yourself, for your own sanity. But it is not ok to judge those who make this decision, whether in my head or out loud to friends.

Happy mama = happy family

Yesterday I called the Ogunquit resort our family is going to in a week to ask a simple question, “Do you have babysitting services?”  I was pretty floored by the reply by the front staff.  His response was:

"We don't offer any babysitting. Babysitting is the antithesis of what we do here.  Families come here and rent multiple rooms so they can 'actually' spend time together."

Perhaps it is hard to appreciate the judgmental tone of his reply in writing, but I was completely taken aback and was left speechless for a moment.  Here was a complete stranger, judging my parenting choices.  It seemed to me that it became an "ok" request to make only after I explained that we were planning on spending the entire time with our kids, and were simply inquiring about an evening babysitter to go out for dinner after the kids went to bed at 7pm. After I hung up the phone, I asked myself, why was I justifying myself to this guy anyway?  But to be honest, even if I were to ask for babysitting during the day, wouldn’t that be my prerogative? I mean, it is supposed to be a vacation after all.  And any “family-friendly” resort should be friendly to everybody in the family, even moms and dads who might need a break.
 

Incidentally, I had just finished reading an interesting thread on the online parenting group Gardenmoms about the idea of SAHMs hiring extra childcare help.  I admit too, before having children, being puzzled by the idea of SAHMs hiring babysitters or nannies to help.  Like, isn’t that your job? Didn’t you choose to take care of your kids daily?  But that was before I had children, and now that I have two active, busy young children afoot, I completely understand.  I mean, it didn’t occur to me the concept of the 100% responsibility I would have as a parent. And sometimes, doing even very simple things with my kids  is pretty darn hard—say, talking briefly on the telephone.  Or eating my meal (and savoring, rather than inhaling each bite). Or just going to the bathroom to pee.  We’re not even talking about the bigger things in life:  doing housework, running errands, going to work, working out, or going out to dinner.  To do anything without my children in tow (not even to mention to take a break from childrearing itself), I realized quickly I might need some help. Hence the need for a trusted babysitter.

I was happy to see the many supportive replies from other moms, a lot of acceptance of the different paths we take as parents, and validation of different mamas’ needs (and wants) to have a life…that at times might not include their children. This supportiveness just doesn’t happen enough these days. And it isn’t just “mom on mom crime,” (how I love that phrase!), it’s also judgment we can feel from friends, family, from society. I have wondered if the person judging is insecure about their own choices, or maybe envious that another mother has an opportunity they don't have themselves. Recently I heard a mother say about her adult SAHM daughter, an aspiring writer, “You know, I did it [took care of my children] all by myself...I think she should use that babysitting time to get a real job. She gets a babysitter just to write.” Ouch. Annoyed at the implication that there are only certain situations warranting a babysitter, I retorted, “Good for her, doing something for herself!”

A couple of weeks ago, I myself grappled  about the idea of getting back into yoga at my favorite local studio.  It has been…well, too long.  Walking isn’t really doing it for my exercise routine, if you know what I mean.  Looking at the studio schedule, I knocked out most evening and weekend times--prime family time—and found that the best times for my schedule are Wednesday and Friday mornings.  But I couldn’t get over the idea that since I had childcare then, I should be using that time to work.  I even felt guilty letting my husband and our nanny know my plans. Oh dear.

I’ve been turning it over in my mind ever since.  I mean, I wasn't even proposing using that hour to sit on the couch, watch "The View," and eat cheetos.  But even if I were, shouldn't I be entitled to use that time as I want, if it works?  I am an adult, after all. Oh the internal maternal guilt! But in light of the Gardenmoms thread, and conversation I had yesterday on the phone, this morning I packed my yoga mat and headed off to the studio.  And afterwards I did feel refreshed, ready to tackle the world, including the hustle-bustle of caring for two kids. Yes, ladies and gents, it is that simple: Happy mama=happy family.

(And PS: I did email a complaint letter to the resort and got a "humble apology" from the staff member himself.  I hope he'll think twice the next time someone asks him about babysitting and attempt to be helpful and understanding instead.)