Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Some day you might hate me...

To my dear sweet baby girls,

It is late October of 2013. The leaves have almost all fallen off the trees, the wind has a chill to it and Mama has been drinking some pumpkin spice lattes (my weekly treat - so not paleo friendly) - we are in the thick of Fall.

Marlo, you will be 4 in less than 2 months, and Val you are just 14 months old. I wish I could freeze you forever at these ages. You are both damn near perfect in my eyes. Sure there are fits being thrown, and lots of drama, and we are still a little sleep deprived, but your Dad and I couldn't be happier being your parents. You bring us so much joy on a daily basis, and you might not believe it now that you are grown up enough to read this, but you both think we are the greatest humans on the planet.

Last night I read you both books before bed, as Daddy was working late. Val you snuggled up in my arms and giggled along to this silly book you love about a witch throwing a party for the neighborhood kids. Before bed you gave me one of your adorable hugs and open-mouthed kisses and said "Mama" as I left the room. And Marlo as I was tucking you in after your 3 nightly books you threw your arms around my neck and said "I can't leave you Mama! Please lay in bed with me! I don't want you to go!" I laid down with you and you proceeded to give me kisses all over my face and tell me how much you love me.

No, I am not making this up to make you feel badly right now, this is just how it is. We live in a house of hugs and kisses and non-stop love towards you girls right now and we are thankfully each day for our blessed life.

So why am I writing this? I know it won't always be like this.

Time is flying by at an unbelievably fast speed. Before I know it you will be bigger and more independent. You won't want me to be around you 24/7 like I am now. You will want to start doing things for yourself. I apologize ahead of time, because that will take me a long time to get used to.

I know that in a few years I won't be the end all be all for you. And honestly it breaks my heart a little.

I was your age once. I grew apart from my mother as I grew so close with friends and was so busy with school and other activities. I saw my mom in the morning before school and for dinner after school, but mainly retreated to my room to do homework, or talk to friends on the phone for most of the night. I didn't want my mom in my room. I didn't want my mom driving me places either.

I got mad at my mom, just like you are going to get mad at me. When I take away your iPad30 so you can't hologram message with your boyfriend anymore, you are going to hate me. When I tell you you can't take out the Hover Car past 10 PM, you are going to hate me (yeah that's right, in 12 years we are going to drive flying cars - get on it Toyota!!). When I try to talk to you about your boyfriend, who I think isn't good enough for you, and whom you deep down know isn't good for you but you would never admit it - and me talking to you makes you "love" him even more - you will probably hate me even more.

I am going to do a lot of things to make you mad, even feel like you hate me, but I am doing them for your own good. You won't realize it now, you won't even realize it in a few years. It won't be until you become a parent yourself that you realize that all the terrible things I did to you (your words, not mine) were out of nothing but true love.

I look at your little faces now and can't imagine you both not loving getting your bellies tickled, or being carried up the stairs, or not love having stories read to you at night...but I know that day will come.

And when that day comes, cut your parents some slack when we ask for kisses or hugs (which you will think are gross). Try to remember that not too long ago you thought your Dad and I were the bees knees (yeah I don't understand that saying either.) I am sure now you just want us to get out of your sight, but remember that there was a time that when all you wanted to do was be held in our arms.

It is that feeling of being unconditionally loved and being needed by something so precious that makes being a parent the best experience. Remember we will always be there for you and your sister, whether you really want us to or not. And remember I know that you might say you hate me, but I know they are just words, as I said them to my mother when I was your age in a fit of rage and never really meant it. Of course your Grandma would then fire back with something like "that's fine, I am going to trade you in for a new daughter anyway." That always led me to believe there was some mystical place where you could bring your children and have an exact replica of them made, except they were like a new model and were nothing but nice - like Electric Grandmother (anyone remember that movie?)

I love you two girls with every inch of my being, and can't wait to see what kind of women you turn out to be. I will always remember your loving smiles at this current age, and for now will take advantage of kissing you as many times as I possibly can. If only I could bank those kisses for a later date when you don't want anything to do with me because I can't stop singing along to the music in the car in front of your friends. Oh wait until they see my car dancing moves....

...oh, they already have? And that is why you hate me today? Want to go live with your grandparents for a few years?

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