Mama Bird’s Top Three Things People Don’t Tell You (About Becoming A Mom...)
*Your child may not look like you. Yes I know, you may think this would be a given. But seriously, “Birdie” is a teeny tiny freakishly identical image of my husband. Really, if he had been hit with the electromagnetic shrink ray back in ’89, and Rick Moranis slapped a pink bow on his head, well I’ll be damned if that wasn’t the little being I pushed out of my vaginal canal into the world!
*Breastfeeding is hard. Okay, maybe not for everyone, but for most people I know. And I cannot stand hearing people say “ if you’re doing it right, it doesn’t hurt,” because you know what? Unless your nipples resemble half chewed off reconstituted raisins, I strongly suggest you start training for the Hunger Games, because I am coming after you!
*You will not sleep when your child sleeps. Really everyone? Thanks for the fabulous advice that I would have never come up with on my own, but do you know how difficult that is to do? As soon as the baby is down, one of two things happens. I either start milking myself like an overgrown saggy-bellied cow, or I’m shoveling food into my pie hole like I am experiencing PTSD from the Potato Famine. And you know what else? The lack of sleep makes you beyond idiotic. Seriously. I’m talking Dumb-and-Dumber, Pee-Wee Herman, Housewives of New Jersey STUPID! Specific examples include but are not limited to...
-Pumping without a bottle attached
-Pouring out a glass of water into the trash instead of the sink
-Trying to fill up the bath tub without plugging it (and being shocked when it wouldn’t fill!)
-Putting the TV remote into the fridge
...and oh so many more to come...
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to watch Honey I Shrunk the Kids while I pump and eat a baked potato.