Last week I had a miscarriage – my second in 6 months. After getting pregnant so easily with my first child, I feel completely lost and heartbroken by this. As a total control freak, this harsh reminder that there are some things that I have absolutely no control over has been a very hard pill to swallow. It seems that, it being MY body and all, that I should be able to just grit my teeth and clench my muscles and just WILL it to be ok; to stay in place and grow and be healthy. I’ve also had to let go of my preconceived notions of what my family would be and what I wanted for my daughter in terms of gaps between siblings.
This past weekend, as my elevated hormones came crashing down, I found myself stuck in a rut of sadness and frustration, endless tears and lingering morning sickness. I felt no motivation to do anything. I threw out all bedtime rituals and just took my daughter to bed with me at 8pm. The upcoming holidays, usually my absolute favorite time of year, suddenly looked like an endless list of things to be done and obligations to be fulfilled. One morning I cried to my husband, “I just feel so DARK. I just don’t feel like me.”
And then Monday morning, I felt a little bit more like myself. I was able to eat breakfast. Monday night we had dinner at a friend’s house with some people we had never met before. There was good food and wine and casual conversation. And then yesterday I went for a run for the first time in almost 3 months. And it felt so good. And as I ran I felt more and more like me. And I started mentally making a list of things to be thankful for:
• The health and happiness of my friends and family
• The fact that we’ve had the courage to relocate cities and work towards making the life that we want for ourselves and our family
• My mom and dad
• Wine and soft cheeses
• Being able to drink wine and eat soft cheeses with family over the holidays
• A Wegmans turkey sub over Christmas
• Being able to ski and use the hot tub over New Years in Colorado
• In-laws that I not only like but actually love being with
• Sisters who are more than sisters
• That I can, in fact, get pregnant
• And most of all, my beautiful little girl, who is so funny and creative and clever and who brings me joy I never thought possible
The truth is, this sucks. It really does. And it seems unfair. But I am thankful that I do not constantly exist in a black hole of depression like some people do. That I can climb out of it and really appreciate the color and laughter and light all the more for having lost it for a bit.
For that I am truly thankful.