Thursday, November 25, 2010

Giving Thanks

Last week I had a miscarriage – my second in 6 months. After getting pregnant so easily with my first child, I feel completely lost and heartbroken by this. As a total control freak, this harsh reminder that there are some things that I have absolutely no control over has been a very hard pill to swallow. It seems that, it being MY body and all, that I should be able to just grit my teeth and clench my muscles and just WILL it to be ok; to stay in place and grow and be healthy. I’ve also had to let go of my preconceived notions of what my family would be and what I wanted for my daughter in terms of gaps between siblings.

This past weekend, as my elevated hormones came crashing down, I found myself stuck in a rut of sadness and frustration, endless tears and lingering morning sickness. I felt no motivation to do anything. I threw out all bedtime rituals and just took my daughter to bed with me at 8pm. The upcoming holidays, usually my absolute favorite time of year, suddenly looked like an endless list of things to be done and obligations to be fulfilled. One morning I cried to my husband, “I just feel so DARK. I just don’t feel like me.”

And then Monday morning, I felt a little bit more like myself. I was able to eat breakfast. Monday night we had dinner at a friend’s house with some people we had never met before. There was good food and wine and casual conversation. And then yesterday I went for a run for the first time in almost 3 months. And it felt so good. And as I ran I felt more and more like me. And I started mentally making a list of things to be thankful for:

• The health and happiness of my friends and family
• The fact that we’ve had the courage to relocate cities and work towards making the life that we want for ourselves and our family
• My mom and dad
• Wine and soft cheeses
• Being able to drink wine and eat soft cheeses with family over the holidays
• A Wegmans turkey sub over Christmas
• Being able to ski and use the hot tub over New Years in Colorado
• In-laws that I not only like but actually love being with
• Sisters who are more than sisters
• That I can, in fact, get pregnant
• And most of all, my beautiful little girl, who is so funny and creative and clever and who brings me joy I never thought possible

The truth is, this sucks. It really does. And it seems unfair. But I am thankful that I do not constantly exist in a black hole of depression like some people do. That I can climb out of it and really appreciate the color and laughter and light all the more for having lost it for a bit.
For that I am truly thankful.

9 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult this is and how hard it must be to grieve and face the holidays. Miscarrying is such a sad, isolating experience, but I hope you know that you are not alone and your braveness to share and ability to give thanks for the things in your life you do have will help you.

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  2. My heart goes out to you as I can relate to how you are feeling in every way. I too went through 2 miscarriages with my 2nd child. I will tell you this.. you will get pregnant again and have a healthy baby. Just take this time and do things for yourself.. because you will! After my 2nd miscarriage, I got pregnant again and gave birth to another beautiful boy. Going through miscarriages is a very lonely thing but as you share your story, you will find more than half of women (and probably friends) have gone through the same. Baby wishes to you.. because you WILL be blessed!!

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  3. I am so sorry, Mama S. That is tough, particularly around this time of year it seems. Your attitude, however, is truly admirable. I hope that you continue to feel better, and that things work out for you :)

    Happy Thanksgiving!

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  4. Thank you Mama S for posting your story for us to read. I am so glad I found it online. I seem to be in that "black hole." I just had my second miscarriage within 5 months. I was further along this time and it seems to hurt (mentally) twice as bad. My husband, family and friends are so supportive but I honestly feel so alone. My body seems to be failing me and there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop this. For someone like myself, who is a complete planner, this has thrown me for a giant loop. I know I can have babies, I already have a healthy, beautiful boy for which I am so unbelievably greatful for. We conceived him so easily, too! It just doesn't seem fair but as my husband so gently reminds me at night, "nothing good in life is easy to attain." Taking a few months off to rest seems like a chore right now. I don't want to wait but my body obviously needs some rest. Maybe in the spring, things will look different but for now, it's really tough just getting up and going through the motions. Reading your post does give me hope that life will move forward and things will get better...

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