As most of you know, because I talk about it all the time on here, I struggled for 2 years to get pregnant with M. I started trying for a second child in May of this year with the hopes of being pregnant in August or September. I had it planned so that I would do an IVF cycle using my frozen embryos, from the IVF in 2009, and would complete our family by May or June of next year. That was the plan.
Here I am mid-September, and the plan seems to be falling apart. Normally with a cryo cycle you start injections, take a few pills for a few days, get a couple ultrasounds and have some blood work done 2 or 3 times. Your uterine lining grows and around day 18 they will implant the defrosted embryo inside you, and start cooking that little sucker.
Well, here I am...day 44. My uterine lining is not growing as it should. It didn't grow for the first 25 days, so for the last 19 days I have had to put the pills you take orally up my hoo-hah. That's right - pills up my lady parts in the morning and night - not easy. This method of pill taking started my lining to grow, but at a snails pace. So here I am, 44 days of pills and injections later, with a uterus that won't behave. BAD UTERUS!!
I have been to the hospital countless times over the last 7 weeks for ultrasounds and bloodwork. Every time I go I await the dreaded call from my nurse with the results that always starts "Hi. How are you holding up? Well, we aren't there yet..." in this sad wooooaaah-woooaaah voice. Every week she tells me to "hang in there" and to keep sticking myself with needles and sticking things up my junk. I have come to expect the bad news, but deep down inside I still hope that she will tell me that today is the day, and we can come in tomorrow to get pregnant. Not so much.
I had written a post last month about being ready to take on this whole process emotionally, but I will tell you right now, I am not. If you don't have experience with taking injections and hormone pills, you can't understand what this all does to your body. I am an emotion mess. I find myself crying all the time at the littlest thing. I get angry at the silliest things. I feel annoyed by everything and every one.
My poor husband is getting the brunt of it too. He couldn't be more supportive and loving, but sometimes if he looks at me funny I snap at him. I came home from going to a movie with friends yesterday and our house was spotless. This wonderful man, who works 80-100 hours a week, took the time when M was asleep to clean our house!! WHAT? And the first thing I said to him was (in a passive aggressive tone) "wow M, looks like daddy is trying to make mommy look bad." What kind of bitch have I become?
So this morning I went for what is most likely my last ultrasound of this cycle. If my lining hasn't grown to a certain width we have to cancel this cycle. As to what happens next I don't really know. I assume we will start again, more aggressively this time to try to, as my doctor says "whip this uterus into shape!" But I cannot stop thinking about the fact that my body isn't doing what it should. Am I going to find out that I will never be able to get pregnant? I already know I can't on my own, but now will IVF not even work for me? I can't stop thinking about this 24/7. It is the reason that I break into tears spontaneously during the day when I see a woman that is pregnant or see someone with two kids.
Being the supportive man that he is, my husband tries to remind me that it took us 2 years to get pregnant with M, and we are just starting again now. But then I have to explain to him that we are starting now with what worked the last time, so this is a whole new ballgame.
I know I am just feeling sorry for myself, but it is hard when things don't go as you planned, or hoped. I thought I would be ready for disappointment, but I was totally kidding myself.
So here I sit, with my cell phone by my side, awaiting that dreaded phone call from the nurse. Maybe this time it will be good news, but I am not getting my hopes up!
Cocktail time might start at 2 PM today.
So things didn't go as planned. The IVF was canceled. My uterine lining actually shrunk! Which the nurse said doesn't happen often...something you don't want to hear from a medical professional! Now I have to start Provera to get a period and then I go on concentrated estrogen patches. Watch out world.
Feeling a little defeated, understandably so, but we will see what happens when we start guns blazing this time. Thank you for all your kind words!