Thursday, April 26, 2012

High Anxiety and Crazy Pregnant Dreams

I have always had whackadoodle dreams. They are always very vivid, and of course feel very real at the time, and I remember them for a long time after I have woken up. Even now, at 33, I remember dreams that I had when I was little - the one that sticks out the most is my brother and I hiding in the bushes in front of our house watching this foreign army come and set up camp outside our property walls, and us throwing rocks at them telling them to get away. The funny thing about a large portion of my dreams is that I can pretty much interpret the meaning of them the next morning.

For instance the one from when I was little is pretty much a reflection of what my brother and I used to do as children in our front yard. My father was a famous athlete at the time, and people used to drive by our house and stop at the gate and take photos of our house, or park out front and just stare in at our house while my brother and I were on our big wheels. We would then proceed to ride past the gate giving dirty looks or yelling things like "leave us alone!" - hence us throwing rocks at the invading army.

Of course there are others that are just insane that don't mean a damn thing, and then there are some that I swear actually come true. I remember unpacking at our current house and looking up at my daughter and husband on the catwalk and remember that I had dreamed this exact scenario, in this exact house. It was the strongest sense of deja vu, but I knew that it had actually come to me in a dream a few years back. Call me crazy, but I swear it happened.

Then there are the ones staring my dear sweet husband. While pretty close to perfect in real life, he is the biggest douche nozzle in the history of douchiness in my dreams. More times than not I will wake up and tell him that he cheated on me in my dreams, or divorced me, or had another family living in another state (or like the other night he introduced me to the Asian hooker that he frequents)...dream hubby is a real a-hole, while real life hubby is pretty much Prince Charming. He thinks that I am crazy for having all these dreams about him being such a jerk, but I have recently confirmed with friends who have awesome husbands that they too have the same reoccurring dreams. Of course, unlike one of my good friends I do not remain angry at my husband after I wake up...ha!

But no dreams are more crazy and vivid than the ones that I have during pregnancy, and I think a lot of that has to do with the anxiety I am feeling during this pregnancy. As I have mentioned in previous posts my first pregnancy had a lot of complications so I was monitored a lot during the actual pregnancy. This time around it is the opposite, and while there are a couple things we are watching with the baby and myself (placenta previa), there isn't anything as drastic as last time (very low amniotic fluid, Papp-A, high risk for downs, etc.). So this means that since I am going about as a normal pregnant woman would, with doc appointments every month and just a handful of ultrasounds (as opposed to the 15-odd I had the first time,) that my mind is totally racing with crazy thoughts...which then turn into crazy dreams.

Every twinge of uncomfortableness I get I automatically think something is wrong. What was that pain in my side? Is my bra is too tight, or maybe I am having blood flow problems and there is something wrong with the baby? Did I just pee in my pants? Or is that crotch sweat? Or amniotic fluid? I haven't felt the baby move in a couple hours, something must be wrong! I also stop and look at M, who is almost 2.5 years old and a pretty awesome kid if I do say so myself, and think about what people have told me about it being impossible to have two awesome kids, so then I get all worked up about the hellion that is growing in my womb. What do I have in store for me with this kid?

Then there is the regular every day anxiety that seems to be heightened by being pregnant. When I walk the dog with M in the stroller I am always afraid we are going to be hit by a car, or fall down a hill, or someone is going to try and take the stroller out of my hands - so I am basically holding on to the BOB with a death grip for the entire hour. When we are out and about I hold M's hand at all times, and she is never outside of a foot from me if we are around strangers, because every person that looks my way I think is going to take her from me. Oh and forget about it when we are driving - every worst case scenario runs through my head the entire time I am behind the wheel...I am going to lose control and crash into a tree...the guy behind me is so close he is going to ram us...we are going to run out of gas and then be abducted on the side of the name it, I have thought about it.

But I know I am not alone in thinking these things, as one of my best friends and I had a discussion about this a few months back. She had been taking one of the anxiety meds before she got pregnant and had been off it since the birth of her last child, but had been thinking about it going back on it lately because she has all these crazy thoughts. And I looked at her and said I HAVE THEM TOO! but I have never thought about going on meds, because I feel like most mothers have them. Do you readers have these thoughts as well? I have them normally every day, but being pregnant makes them happen much more frequently and they are much more extreme now.

And the dreams...holy crap the dreams the last two nights. Al Pacino was my mobster father (he was dressed as his character in Dick Tracy) and he was having his thugs do all sorts of terrible things to me, and I couldn't dial the phone to get in touch with my husband, who I then found out didn't exist and I was locked in a basement somewhere. Then last night I dreamed my mother was also pregnant, and she laid a giant egg (I am dying laughing while I write this) and gave it to me to take care of, but I dropped it, and inside was a baby girl who couldn't open her eyes - explain that one! Many times I have dreamed about losing the baby, or not being pregnant at all, which leads me to tears in my dreams, therefore tears in real life, and that sweet relief that comes with waking up and realizing it was all a dream. My dreams have become so exhausting that even when I get 8 hours of sleep I wake up feeling so tired and drained.

Did anyone else experience these crazy dreams when they were pregnant? Not ones staring gangster Al Pacino, but crazy ones of your own? And was your anxiety heightened?

1 comment:

  1. I always worry my house has burnt down whenever we are away on an outing. I'm talking thinking we will be coming home to a pile of ashes burnt down. When we lived in Boston, any time I heard sirens I'd cross my fingers that they weren't headed to our building. Now that we have our own house it seems that fear has become even worse.