Friday, June 1, 2012

Sleep Porn

My friends have all been reading 50 Shades of Grey.  I don't want anything exciting to happen in my bed, I just want a night in my bed.  By myself.  And so I have been fantasizing about a good night of sleep.  I'm pretty sure it's 100 times better than anything Christian Grey could do to me.   

Like most parents, I rarely (never) have a night when someone doesn't need water, a binkie, a trip to the bathroom.  There is usually someone pushing their little toes into my stomach or backing their way into my already-compromised-space.  I have tiny, sweaty arms flung haphazardly over my face and someone who wants to sleep, literally, on my head.  Sure, I know about Ferber and all those other things.  But children are like the Others...they creep into your room without making a noise.  And then, at 3 AM when you realize they are in your bed, you are far too tired to do anything.  I'm pretty sure Ferber didn't deal with his children turning into Others, as he actually got enough sleep to write a book, one with words and complete sentences. 

About a month ago, we went to Disney.  The land of over stimulation and thousands of sugary treats you feel compelled to buy your child.  But amazingly, these are the nights I've been dreaming of.  The day of our arrival was a long one.  We were up at 4 AM to catch a flight and naps were sparse to say the least.  After a day of "pushing through" we returned to our hotel at 9 PM.  After quick showers, we climbed into bed.  To mitigate the certain late night wake-ups, we split the kids up.  One in bed with me, the other with my husband.  And that's is where the sleep porn begins...

I dream of the complete darkness of the black-out blinds.  Be still my heart with the staticy noise of the bathroom fan we left on.  Clean, crisp sheets with no crumbs or stray binkies or ten stuffies your child decided they must have.  I could get lost in the spaciousness of the bed; the ability to roll with out hitting a child, the back of the surprisingly hard Twilight Turtle, or a sippy cup that has been slowly leaking water for the last 2 hours.  Breathe in the air, the slightly musty smell of the chilling hotel air-conditioned air with nary a whiff of 4 year old post-nasal drip.  But the real climax of it all was the silence and stillness...of the children.  Pure exhaustion.  No one opened their eyes or even moved until the alarm went off at 8 AM the next morning. 

So like everyone else these days, I'm dreaming about what I can do in my bed.  Sleep.  It's probably the best "dirty" dream I'll ever have.

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